Motivation and Small Victories

For a long time I wasn't able to see the progress I was making in my recovery. It required a lot of energy, effort and mental soundness for me to even leave the house. I'd go out to walk my dog in a beautiful wooded area, I was ready to fill my lungs with fresh air to blow through the cobwebs that had accumulated over many months. Despite the seemingly serene picture I've painted for you, I'd feel overwhelmbed by the wind catching the leaves, the creeks of the trees and the dizzying green canopy that threatened to fall down on my head. I'd somehow begin to feel claustrophobic in the most natural, open spaces.

Despite those suffocating moments threatening to jeopardise any progress I was making, I eventually managed to see that I was achieving things. They were small steps, perhaps not monumental victories but they all accumulate towards feeling better. Not long ago I would have been consumed by what seemed like a failed outing and would have trudged upstairs, drawn the curtains and shut myself vements away for hours, sometimes days. Now I can see that I managed the following: I left the house, I may have driven to the National Trust site for the walk, I took my dog on a walk, I walked a fair distance after being static on the sofa for months on end. It's easy for these things to be overlooked. For most people they are seemingly easy actions and sound like a pretty uneventful day. For those with mental illness they can be the biggest achievements you've noticed for a long time.

There was a time when I had a sticker chart to reward actions like having a shower, getting properly dressed or putting on a fresh set of pyjamas. To some that might sound pathetic. Screw those people. I needed that sticker chart in those days, and I still do. Despite being able to achieve solo dog walks, driving somewhere without having planned the trip in every detail the day beforehand or even managing to kickstart my exercise routines, there are still days when I fall down and feel as if I'm a nobody, that my life is meaningless and that I'm a massive nuisance and liability to all those in my life.

I've become a HUGE fan of the 30 day habit cards made by the same people that produce the Happiness Planners. I started off with small goals such as eating breakfast every day, I was pretty bad at feeding myself for a long time! If I jumped to setting myself goals that were too big I could definitely tell, there would be days between me earning a sticker on the chart and that was an easy indicator that I wasn't ready to be pushing myself that hard yet. I've since managed to maintain a regular chart for exercising. 6 months ago I would have struggled to workout once a week. Since March I've been exercising up to 5 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes twice a day! I always make a note of my start date on the habit cards so I can see how quickly I filled up the cards. Upon completion of each habit card I will keep them as a record for me to look back on, a nice reminder to have as your collection grows as you make progress and also a reminder of how much you are capable of achieving if you have another down period. The 30 Day Habit cards are availbale here.  If you are a new customer of the website you can get 10% off your first purchase!

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Fading Fitness

Depression takes over the mind and the body. The invasion begins in the mind, it takes away all of the joy we once felt for life, our favourite hobbies and interests fall down around our feet and we skirt past them. In the days that I felt marginally better I longed for ways to maintain the high. I ate all the wrong things, I'd gorge myself on sugary things to get that sweet hit only to end up feeling terrible about my body image. The low moods made it difficult for me to leave the house let alone exercise on a regular basis.
Since then I've managed to introduce some simple habits in my everyday life such as getting up at the same time each day, taking Toby for a long walk or completing some kind of housework. Ultimately I wanted to feel like I had achieved something at the end of the day. It took me a long time to stop comparing my day to those of others who went out to work in the city each day. The things I do, I do for them and it enables them to come home and feel at ease or so they have a weekend free of housework chores. I've finally started to feel like I have a purpose.

I've been afraid of failure for as long as I can remember, be it exams, losing a friendship or falling of the waggon whilst on a healthy eating kick. Whilst I was at university I attempted to do something to improve my fitness. I started running in the evenings which helped for a while. I could only go when it was really late, in near darkness and when there were very few people around due to my anxiety about other people seeing me. It helped for a while until I started getting excruciatingly painful shin splints.

My pursuit of feeling fit, healthy and a bit lighter has followed my rising and falling moods. Doctors love to remind patients that exercise can help alleviate symptoms of depression. Unfortunately it isn't always that easy, it requires the right conditions. I never felt able to walk into a gym, I was too self conscious and knew that all the effort I should be exerting on the machines would be spent feeling anxious. Instead, I opted for an at home exercise plan. Insomnia and Teleshopping make for fantastic partners, or rather money robbing crooks! I'd be sucked into the paid for adverts displaying some fitness models and some real life examples of people using some fitness equipment or following a DVD and getting great results. I'd be convinced within 15 minutes of the 30 minute segment.

Unfortunately I learnt the hard, and expensive way that you can't jump from not exercising in years to attempting a full on, intense exercise program. I understand that some people are the exception, that they can achieve amazing results through commitment and determination. Sometimes there are those who have other factors working against us. As much as I wanted to feel and look better I struggled to get past the warm up routine for some of the programs I attempted. Slightly disheartening. It left me in a sweaty mess debating whether to sit down in the shower or just collapse onto the bed. The key is to start at a low level, reduce your expectations, save time and heartache by choosing a lighter workout plan. I like DVDs that work through different levels allowing me to progress to a higher intensity when I'm ready. Even if they say you should graduate to the next level after 10 days, only do it if you're body feels ready. I often get anxious about progressing to level 2, I worry that I'll struggle with the new moves and that a slip will send me into a spiral that causes me to stop exercising for a week or more...putting me back to feeling unfit. Panic not, watch the next level over and over until you understand how to do the moves, even take the time to practise them at a slower pace to familiarise yourself with them.

To summarise, my top tips are:

• take your time to feel ready to exercise again
• don't pursue an intensive exercise plan if you haven't worked out in a long time
• as excited as you may be to feel ready to get active again don't set yourself up for a fall by pushing yourself beyond your capabilities
• developing fitness and stamina takes time, you'll soon be breezing through work-out moves that you initially found challenging 
•  move up the levels as and when you feel ready, listen to your body and don't be disheartened if you see others making progress faster than you, you haven't seen their journey to that point, it probably took them a long time too!
• feeling that rush of endorphins after exercising isn't always the norm. Doctors often talk about it as being fantastic for combating depression but I rarely feel the hormonal rush they describe. 
• focus on how you feel after the workout regardless of endorphins! You finished it, WELL DONE! You are a magnificent sweaty beast. You are slowly but surely kicking your depression to the curb. Your body might ache the next day but we all know it's a satisfying feeling. Start up a sticker chart or tick chart for each time you workout, it soon builds up and gives you an extra boost if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere.

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Life Update

A hearty hello to you all, I know it's been a while since I lasted posted. As I explained in my last post I was having a difficult time after the death of a beloved pet, if you didn't see the post I have linked it here for you to read. I've had a break from both of my blogs as I needed some time to adjust without having the little critter around, that and his little home was in my office so the space left in his wake has been enormous and I haven't wanted to face that room for a while.

Since my last post I've been regaining some control over my life. I say some as it seems as if I have a fair few things hovering beyond my grasp and I can't reach out and grab them all at the same time! I've been seeing an acupuncture therapist for a few months now which has been incredible for me. Just having somewhere else to go during the day is nice and I've established a good relationship with Tracey who presses needles into me like a pin cushion for one hour a week. I'll talk more about that in a future post so if you have any questions about acupuncture please send them to my e-mail cheerfulchelsea@outlook.com or comment below and I'll answer them in that blog post.

After a couple of acupuncture appointments in which I have a 10 minute talk through the previous week's activities, highs and lows, I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of seeing a counsellor again. I've had some pretty horrendous experiences with health care professionals from various departments including counsellors. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to trust someone in that way again after having my words twisted back on me which made me feel worse than ever and guilty about everything I had disclosed to them. Seeing Tracey and becoming so comfortable with her made me realise there are genuinely nice people out there who want to listen and help, it's not just about getting paid at the end of the hour! I'll also be writing another post on how I found my new counsellor and how the experience feels so different this time.

Finally, I've been getting on top of my physical health problems of which there are many! It's hard to believe that I am only 23 years old some times as I feel pretty rusty, broken down and generally in need of a full service and oil change! I've had a bit more energy since I've kick-started my sleeping pattern with the help of magnesium supplements. As a result I've finally felt able to start exercising again. I often discredit myself for the amount of exercise I get just from walking Toby every day, but I haven't felt properly fit or comfortable in my skin for so many years now. It's the classic case of summer is coming and I'm not ready for it. I don't think of it as getting "bikini body ready" because that is applicable all year round, you've got a body, get a bikini and bam done. For me it's about not wanting to have another summer come around only for me to feel uncomfortable, wanting to hibernate and chuck on some winter clothes to cover every inch of my body and wondering why I didn't make some changes sooner.

It seems as if taking some time off can be good for the blog! I've got a lot to write about, a lot to share and hopefully some of it will help someone else. I'm also working up the courage to start filming videos. I think the majority will be beauty based. However, I have a few ideas for some videos that could help the readers of this blog. Some will be me recounting things I've already discussed on the blog. Sometimes people struggle to read long pieces of text and take in details, particularly when they are depressed so hearing those words being spoken and seeing someone they could relate to could be beneficial to them. I'll also produce some videos on things I haven't discussed before. My real aim is to show you that there is a real person behind this blog, that you can trust and confide in me if you wish. Much in the same way as this blog, you will only see what I allow you to see through videos, you still don't get the entire story or what someone is really going through when you only see a small viewfinder of them and their life. Anyway, I think it will be beneficial for me too, being able to flex my creative muscles in a new way through producing and editing videos.

No matter how many breaks I take from the blog I hope you all know that I'll always return to it, the exception being if I fall out of love with writing. I can't see that happening any time soon. In the last post I disclosed that I've been working on something big. I don't want to jump the gun so lets just say it's an extended piece of writing that I've been working on for over a year...

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Hiatus

As some of you loyal readers may have noticed I didn't post anything last week. I'd like to think that you understand me well enough now to realise something was wrong. Last week I was away on holiday which was lovely. I had prepared some content to schedule for whilst I was away, unfortunately on the Saturday before we were due to go away on the Sunday I experienced a loss. Now, to some it might not seem like a significant 'loss' but to me it felt colossal. I have previously written a post about my pets on the blog so you will know that animals feature in my day to day life. Sadly my hamster Ruben passed away on Saturday. I expect some of you to be sitting here reading think "seriously? She's had a wobble because her rat died?!", not a rat cheers he was a hamster.

I got Ruben at a time when I was feeling very much alone in the world and felt no reason to carry on getting up every day to greet a life dominated by depression. Ruben was my companion in the many sleepless nights brought on from insomnia, he was something I could focus on, something I could take care of when I didn't feel like taking care of myself anymore. He gave me a purpose and brought smiles, all-be them brief ones at times, to my face when I didn't feel like I'd ever smile again. He was a cheeky little chappy that liked being fed from my hand and refused to eat from his bowl. He preferred running on top of his wheel rather than in it. He greeted me when I walked into the office and found him standing on his back legs with his front paws clasped together looking like a waiter waiting to say "I have an excellent table for you here". He scared off predators such as Toby (our puppy) and Kitty (our adopted feline friend) when he rolled around in his ball. He gave me a sleepless night when he escaped from said ball and was nowhere to be found. I loved him very much and he'll be sorely missed. For now I will grieve for him, for his gorgeous expression, silky soft fur and the way he tickled me as I let him walk along my shoulders and back. In the dead of night Robbie and I found a lovely spot in the garden for him where wild flowers grow. He was the first pet we had together, the first pet we've had that has died and so we are very sad about it. However, we have lovely memories with him and in time we will be able to welcome another furry critter into our lives. It can be very hard when you lose a pet, you might feel like you will never be able to have another pet again. That is the grief talking, because we all know that we can feel that kind of joy and love again. Pets will never be replaced, they'll always be remembered and cherished.

I will return to posting regularly, although for now I cannot say when that will be. I need some time to feel teary and work through my low moods. Rest assured that I will be working on content when I can I'm definitely writing something BIG right now *wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more*.

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Stepping Out

For the past month I have been religiously wearing my FitBit again. Last Summer was a big struggle, but I got a small amount of joy each day from seeing my tracker smile at me and showing how much I moved. Bare in mind that I would be pretty chuffed if I managed around 1,000 steps a day. At that time I wasn't going out much and struggled to remove my blank stare from the TV and slight comfort of the indent I'd made in the sofa.

Nowadays I'm moving around a bit more. I push myself further each day, even if that's just from chasing Toby (our dog) around the table or doing one more lap of crazy dancing around the island in the kitchen. Some days I venture further afield for a medical appointment- of which there have been many over the past two months- or to pick up some food shopping, walking back and forth along shopping aisles aimlessly AND forgetting multiple items, having to loop back really builds up the steps! I thought it would be an interesting way to keep track of my moods over the months if I translated my daily steps into a graph to post on the blog each month. In a line graph you can clearly see the peaks and troughs of my moods. Towards the end of the month I introduced the magnesium supplements to improve my sleep, which has in turn meant that I've been getting up earlier and having longer days. I always keep track of my day-to-day activities in a planner/diary. My mind is like a faucet at the moment, I can barely remember what I did yesterday never mind last week. I can use my daily notes alongside the graph to identify which days were really bad, which days I pushed myself despite crying most of the morning and the odd day where I forgot to put my tracker on until 4pm! As I said there were days that I cried a lot, I was on my own in the house and was feeling extremely anxious. In the past I would have drawn a line under the day and headed back to bed. However, I had a few responsibilities as I was looking after to Toby and some chickens down the road, the small walk to feed them left me feeling sick, trembling and crying by the time I reached our house again. I had a couple of those days and I 'rallied' through to the end until Robbie got back from work. I often end up baking my way through the depression...although that doesn't always work in my favour as I'll try a stupidly hard recipe and be left crying over a failed bake and a kitchen covered in a sticky mess.

The path to progress isn't always smooth, and you won't be seeing me consistently reaching 10,000+ steps a day anytime soon. As you can see towards the end of the month I had some really big days, followed immediately after by a lull or a rest day. As good as the victories feel, you need to remember that you are ill and you'll feel the aftermath of a fantastic day when you wake up in the morning. My body usually feels like it has been run down by a bus on my rest days...I couldn't move far even if I wanted to. Just remember it's OK to feel that way and don't allow anyone to push you beyond a pace that's comfortable for you.

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Sleep Hygiene

A strange phrase I heard this week from my GP, 'sleep hygiene'. Essentially this entails having a good routine before going to sleep, or attempting it in my case. As you may have already gathered I frequently have insomnia. I can either go to bed feeling exhausted, fall asleep at 10pm and be wide awake at midnight. Other nights I simply can't get to sleep. On average I've been getting 3 hours of sleep a night for...well over a month, possible two months now. So, I set about improving my 'sleep hygiene'.

Good sleep hygiene includes:

• having a long, hot bath (also good for general hygiene)
• freshly washed bed sheets- no need to change them every night (!) but it's a nice feeling when you do
• no tech before bed, switch off the screens and don't be tempted to scroll through Instagram one last time
• read a book for half an hour before bed, preferable a physical book rather than on a Kindle or tablet
• light a candle with a relaxing fragrance
• anything on your mind? Scribble down a note rather than letting things run through your mind

Since I mentioned Insomnia in last week's post, a friend recommended that I take magnesium supplements (thank you!). I looked into it and discovered that a deficiency in magnesium can present itself in the body with eye twitches *check*, cold hands and feet *check*, insomnia or chronic fatigue *big fat check*, anxiety *check*, depression *hello old friend* and irregular heartbeats *thank god there's an explanation*. That's just naming a few symptoms, so check it out and see if any of them apply to you! Taking one or two supplements half an hour before bed can improve the quality and length of sleep. Some people experience WILD dreams as a result of taking magnesium, I already have enough of those thanks to my anti-depressants but if it will perk them up (actually crazy nightmares not dreams) then go ahead. Please ensure you do your research before taking anything, seek advice from your GP and buy any supplements from a good source.

As for candles, be safe! I will not be held responsible for any house fires. However, I will recommend the following candles:

• Heavenly Sleep candle from This Works. Some people love the pillow sprays they do. I tried them and came out in a pimply rash, probably due to sensitive skin but worth a mention. The candle is gorgeous and the smell lingers long after it has been blown out, getting a waft up the nostrils is rather nice. 
• Real Luxury 3 wick candle by Neom. I received this one for my birthday, a totally unexpected gift from Robbie. It is a smidge pricier but the fragrance is SO nice, it burns really well and the scent stays in a room for a few days after it has been lit. 

I've linked where you can purchase the candles above, just hover over 'This Works' and 'Neom'. I hope you find something that works for you if you are having sleepless nights. Let me know if you have any other tips and tricks!

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Absence

At this rate I'll be a fortnightly blogger! I'm afraid there won't be a post this evening. Insomnia has finally taken it's toll. I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, it certainly hasn't happened in February. I suppose this is the risk you take reading my blog, it's the nature of the illness, it doesn't care for schedules no matter how important your day is. I never want to let anyone down, I'd hate to think of someone that relies upon the blog gearing up to read a post only to find there isn't one. Then again, it would fill me with immense pleasure if I knew that I was helping someone, that they eagerly anticipated my posts each week. When times are tough I usually try to rally. Even if it's been a hard day, I can usually bring something together for a post. I never want to give up on this, writing has helped me so much. However, I also don't want to lose the joy I have for the process. Putting too much pressure on myself risks flattening that joy and myself in the process. Fear not, I will return. I'll always make an effort to let you know what's going on the Facebook page. I look forward to getting out of this period of insomnia so I can be running on (almost) full cylinders again!

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Book Review vol. 2

I'm back with another review of a mental health memoir. I'm hoping that you like these posts as I have a shelf full of these books waiting for me to read. I've already managed to read more books in just over a month than I was able to read in the entirety of 2015. Depression has really affected my concentration levels, even when it comes to watching TV or flipping through a magazine. I tried to distract my mind with fiction books last year but I couldn't keep up with the plot. Whilst reading novels I'd end up spending an hour reading and re-reading the same two pages because the information just wasn't going into my head. I seem to be having more success with non-fiction, particularly these books written about personal experiences of depression. It might sound like a tough read, but they've really helped reinforce the message that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do.

This week's review is on 'The Devil Within' by Stephanie Merritt. This book covers several stages of Merritt's life, through the brutal bullying she experienced in school to the alien world of extravagance in her sixth form and through to how earlier problems effected her in her adult life. Merritt shows how much strength she had as a teenager. Initially she avoided confronting her bullies and sought refuge in some of the quiet parts of her school. Bullies target the strange, the abnormal, sometimes things we are deeply insecure about and also things we'd never noticed about ourselves. Merritt eventually realised that no matter how many physical changes she made to her appearance, the bullies wouldn't relent. Instead of letting them pick her apart she stood up to them and removed any power they once had. She could have left the school, it was an option at one point but she decided to tough it out until she could leave and progress to sixth form. It was when she started sixth form that problems started to arise. She found herself attending an all girls sixth form college, one in which a uniform of luxury labels were worn and a certain body image was present across the school. What initially began as a way of attempting to fit in whilst also improving her health, Merritt developed an eating disorder. Her parents thought that she was going through a faze and was claiming her independence through cooking separate meals from the family. When she didn't see the results she had hoped for, her diet became even more restrictive and her exercise regime became obsessive.

An interesting dynamic of this book is that she grew up in an Evangelical Christian community. This was something that she once embraced and enjoyed. As the church started to develop and turned towards new practises she became skeptical of the church. The adults of the community started undertaking exorcisms which involved speaking in tongues over someone writhing on the floor as the devil within them was extracted from them through their mouth. Her parents believed that she needed the help of a church counsellor for guidance with her 'difficult' period believing that she required an exorcism due to her acting out. I wasn't expecting to be able to get through this part of the book, I wasn't sure I'd be able to process the religious content. I was happily surprised to find it very interesting.

Merritt's memoir also discusses her experiences of loss, her own depression as well as the secret illness of a friend, alcoholism and depression during and after pregnancy. Anyone that has experienced eating disorders or alcohol dependency might find some of the content difficult to read and could be a trigger. Although I've never had a problem with alcohol I have had an eating disorder and found some of the writing to be a slight pull towards those practises again. If anyone is interested in reading this book but would like to avoid that content I will happily tell you which pages to avoid. The reflections upon her time being pregnant were particularly interesting to me. Although I'm not ready to start a family just yet, I have worried about my increased risk of developing depression with pregnancy. There aren't any tips and tricks provided to avoid it, but her account enabled me to think about the environment and support network needed to help mitigate any symptoms of depression whilst pregnant and after the baby is born.

I was pleasantly surprised by this book. I purchased it based on reviews on Amazon. From reading those reviews I knew that she discussed her issues with alcohol but I hadn't expected some of the other issues she dealt with in her life. I found her account of her life at university particularly helpful for my peace of mind, it seems that we encountered similar difficulties. As well as being a fantastic memoir of depression, this book is also an engaging coming of age story, one which most of us will be able to relate to in some ways.

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