15 Things

Some people suffer from word vomit; a lack of filtering what they say, which can be incredibly insensitive, frustrating and awkward for all involved. I've had more than my fair share of being on the receiving end of generic insulting comments about depression, panic attacks and anxiety. I also heard a lot of offensive jokes made at the expense of mental health patients whilst I was secretly living with one myself. I can excuse those who genuinely do not know anything about depression, but those who ignore the facts and seek to intentionally insult people with these illnesses...well, I'd quite like to give them a quick upper-cut to the jaw. The small over-used phrases like "chin up", "its not that bad",  "its not the end of the world" etc. can be just as frustrating and hurtful to hear. Even those with the best intentions can say things that aren't meant to be hurtful but end up causing damage. For me it seems that even hearing the words "you seem to be better recently" can cause damage, it can push me right back down into the pit of depression, most likely because I'm actually terrified of life without the crutch of depression. My advice is to try to ask those you know with depression or anxiety what triggers their downfalls, and also what can actually help them, that way perhaps we can avoid some additional trips to laying face down on our beds! So, here is my list of 15 things you should not say to someone with depression and/or anxiety. Apologies for the lack of post last week, and for the change in style of post this week, I'm attempting to vary the content from now onwards.

1. Chin up, its not as if you're dying of this "illness".
2. There are people in the world in far worse positions than you, appreciate what you have.
3. Its not a real illness like cancer or diabetes.
4. Maybe you need to take more vitamins, because I heard this study on the news...
5. Those anti-depressants don't seem to be working, you probably shouldn't put those chemicals in your body anyway.
6. Have you just tried being happy instead? Or maybe you could just pretend.
7. You can still live a normal life, people with actual illnesses carry on normally.
8. If you just stop worrying all the time you wouldn't be anxious, problem solved!
9. You seem better today, perhaps you were never actually depressed, maybe you just had a 'blue' day.
10. I bet you self-diagnosed your problem, like a hypercondriac or something.
11. People that kill themselves are so selfish, plus they're cowards taking the easy way out. 
12. Cutters are so attention seeking, why don't they just walk into a room being loud and entertaining instead?!
13. Depression isn't a real illness though, its all in your head. Real illnesses can be detected from blood tests and stuff. 
14. On the bright side loads of depressed people are really creative and successful...eventually, or they're finally understood when they're dead. 
15. I SAW HER SMILE AT THAT JOKE HE MADE ON COMEDY ROADSHOW, SHE'S NOT DEPRESSED HURRAH!

Little Miss Foodie

She's not wrong! Deliciously Ella's sweet potato and date brownie recipe.

Typically my head is still stuck in this time last year, it was horrendous in every possible way. Although I had sought the help of a GP and a counsellor I was only coming at my condition from one direction through medication and rehashing the past over and over again. I had unintentionally isolated myself from my uni friends and even my housemates in THE pokiest house, I'd convinced myself that they no longer liked me and would only ever want to be around me once I'd had a few drinks in me, which sadly was the only time I felt as if I had anything interesting to say, when my senses were slightly numbed. That of course is not the way to go, I certainly didn't have a problem with drink, if anything I held back. During that time I also had a bad relationship with food, I avoided being in the kitchen at the same time as my housemates as I felt incredibly awkward, and despite them being the loveliest people I was in constant fear of being judged for my meal choices. I'd go through phases of attempting to be super healthy, I started a juice cleanse, I crashed after a few days and caved in when I smelt someone else's takeaway in the house, I'd order a pizza and then be a nervous wreck about going to the door to get it, I somehow even developed an intolerance towards Dominoes pizza a.k.a. a student's cheap dinner saviour. Perhaps this was because I'd get so worked up about it coming and I'd made myself so tense that I was then physically incapable of enjoying it, I'd usually only manage once slice and end up sending the leftovers over the road to my boyfriend and his housemates. I was constantly punishing myself from every angle; for not working hard enough although I was actually killing myself over assignments and projects requiring skills I'd missed out on learning in seminars, I hated that I missed out on seeing my friends, and I eventually hated the way I couldn't enjoy food and yet my body was out of control.
 

Beautiful colours! Home made fruit leather, it takes hours to dry out in the oven but its SO worth it!

I've always been an incredibly fussy eater, I'd eat THE plainest most boring meals ever, but if I went over to a friend's house I'd eat what I was given and somehow chow down the bits I'd usually pick out. I've been a vegetarian since I was 12, due to meat making me very ill. I then went on to develop IBS after an operation on my abdomen when I was 18. I've been left with a limited amount of food groups that I can enjoy, and even some of those meals I still struggle to get through without a lot of pain in my stomach. I've attempted a variety of diets, all of which were far too restrictive and resulted in a massive binge after a week or so and subsequently an enormous amount of self-loathing. I'm so tired of being tired, I haven't been getting the right fuel for my body to function properly, but I also don't want to add to my body woes through eating too much and doing too little. Since I got Toby (our beloved and rather naughty Puggle puppy), I've been moving about SO much more. Depression brings on a lot of physical effects as well as mental ones, one of those being that I lack the energy to even run up the stairs, and a hot bath can cause me to faint. Having a lively puppy has transformed the structure of my days, I'm clocking at least 2.5km a day on my Fitbit from chasing him or being chased around the house and running him around in the garden once an hour. Some days are a massive struggle as my body isn't quite used to all this activity after being on standby for so long, I'm lucky to have other people around during those times to help out so I can get some rest before I burn a fuse in my brain and collapse in a corner. Due to the increase in activity my appetite has reawakend, but instead of chowing down all the wrong things or restricting myself I've turned to some recipes that taste good, look good and sound incredibly naughty but are actually packed full of goodness! Thanks to Ella Woodward's new book "Deliciously Ella" I've been eating without the guilt, I've actually been going to bed with an aching back from standing up in the kitchen for most of the day cooking and crouching over her book choosing my next recipe to try! The recipes are gluten free and vegan, but I'm not following them religiously, if I don't have gluten free rice flour in the cupboard I'll reach for plain flour instead. I have tried some of the recipes using all of the correct ingredients and they are SO tasty! I'm not declaring myself as now living as a vegan and eating gluten free, I refuse to refuse myself of things as I'm already restricted in so many other aspects of my life. I'm finally excited to cook and share my creations with others, especially the sweet potato brownies which are so gooey and delicious its hard to believe they contain vegetables! Its nice to finally be able to eat food without religiously following a diet plan which will inevitably become one of those fads I went through and didn't quite see through to the end, I hate to seem flaky! I'll never preach about what I eat attempting to convert others, I simply offer them up because I can't believe how scrumptious they are. You can check out some of my culinary triumphs and disasters on my Instagram, search for cheefulchelsea93 or click on the Instagram button at the top right hand corner of the blog. I jumped for joy this morning when I saw that Ella Woodward liked one of my photos depicting my disastrous dinner last night! I've made that recipe of hers before but Tesco greaseproof paper failed me and it was slam dunked and stabbed repeatedly in the bin!

The unforunate incident with last night's dinner, and below afjkkadsehhha *compose self* SHE liked it!

Total Life Overhaul

My life has been completely transformed recently, my usually quiet days spent mostly in isolation have come to end. There are many aspects of my life that have changed dramatically in the past year. Last February I had a major breakdown due to living in isolation for so long, feeling incredibly lonely and as a result of the lack of results from being on a variety of different drugs for depression and anxiety. As you know I ended up leaving university in the summer and I haven't looked back since.