Reflections

An obligatory pre-New Years Eve blog post. I feel like I've spent a lot of time looking back on the past recently, reviewing the significant events of the past year and also realising some details have been lost, perhaps due to repressing certain events. So, for anyone that may be interested here is an outline of the peaks and troughs of 2014 for me.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Photos of My Little Box's November 'Cosy Box', mentioned below. 

Tis the season of giving and loving, and having, and sharing, and receiving (Joey's minster speech, anyone?) Its just over a week to go until its the most wonderful time of the year. But for some it can be an incredibly lonely time, even when surrounded by family and friends, those living with anxiety and depression can feel incredibly isolated and generally feeling like no-one really 'gets' them, especially if its still all a big secret. Obviously Christmas is a time that we spend with loved ones, we get a bit merry, have a few heated moments over "why won't this bloody gadget work?!" and at the end of a day a bit of lull as we slump down after feasting in front of some Christmas telly. I think we're all so concerned about pleasing others at this time, which is wonderful of course, but we do need to think of ourselves too.

Doctor, Doctor

Deer in the headlights pictured above.

Last week I was left feeling incredibly shaken and well, feeling like a deer in the headlights. I'd had a very bad encounter with my GP, someone whom I believed had my best interests in mind, perhaps they still do but that particular appointment left me feeling downtrodden and hopeless. Its extremely difficult for me to even schedule an appointment as I have no idea how I'll feel by the time it comes around, and social anxiety cripples me with fear to the point I'm unable to actually ring up the surgery myself. This appointment was supposed to just be a check up after coming off one of my medications. However, it turned into more of a confrontation and altogether unpleasant experience. 

Hooked On A Feeling

Sat out in the sun for too long! Kidding, but it should be clear why I did this once you start reading the post!

The human body is a very clever thing. I'm aware that isn't a groundbreaking statement, but it's something I've been thinking about recently so bare with me. Our bodies are capable of telling us when something is wrong. If it's a sunny day and our skin starts to burn we know its time to head into the shade, if we've been feasting on junk food and start to feel sluggish and bloated we know its time to eat a bit healthier, and if our urine (sorry!) is looking a bit too yellow its time to get a big glass of water.

In Sickness

I'm very sorry to say that there won't be a 'proper' post this evening. I have been struggling for the past few weeks with withdrawal symptoms from a drug I've been slowly getting off. I seem to get knocked with the brunt of most possible side effects with anything I take! I've been struggling with little or no sleep for a few weeks now and side effects which combined resemble the flu and migraines. But I managed to rally through to get a post up to avoid disappointment, to avoid disappointing myself if no-one else. I do write my posts in advance but I always like to come up with some form of face art to bring the concept of each post together. And I can't bring myself to post something thats incomplete. In a way this is a good reminder that there is a person behind this blog that is still incredibly unwell. Sometimes it can seem like I am merely recapping my experiences of depression rather than showing that I am still going through this in a big way. I am nowhere near 'in the clear' yet, I doubt that I will live a life completely free of depression, it's an illness which is likely to pop up again throughout life once someone has experienced it initially. I'm OK with knowing that, when the bad periods come around it will be a reminder to cherish the good moments in life and I will truly know that life out of the shadows is and can be so much better than it is right now.

Jar of Hearts: "You're Gonna Catch a Cold From the Ice Inside Your Soul"

 Queen of Hearts? The blog title is a direct reference to the Ice Queen whom I'll be referring to in this post. 

So this is a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute to just sit right here and tell you all about how I became the...well, not the prince of a town called Belair.   Damn. Not my original writing unfortunately! That just seemed like the perfect way to ease into this blog post. My life definitely got turned upside down, and most days I'm still hanging from the earth like a bat. I've written a fair bit about how it feels to be depressed, but I haven't written about when I first started experiencing symptoms of depression and what caused them.

Changes

No face art today, the inspiration was there but my hands and head wouldn't cooperate. So here's a cheery face instead.

When I am especially unhappy in myself I seek to change physical things. In the past year my hair has been a variety of colours, I've been tattooed and pierced. Most of these changes I have embraced and haven't regretted. I will certainly never regret my tattoos, both of which happen to be floral and could mistakenly be seen as being 'girly', which isn't an issue but a girly tattoo wasn't the outcome I was looking for.

Let It Go

Frozen face art in keeping with the blog post title. 

The past six years of my life have been incredibly testing, I have grown a lot as a person and have certainly become more knowledgable. However, I have also become a recluse, an introvert. Since my primary school days of being incredibly shy and reluctant to volunteer, being labelled as "mousey" for being so quiet, I have developed a severe social anxiety disorder. I struggle amongst large groups and also amongst small groups, even when those include family members and close friends. It is an incredibly tiring life, constantly worrying about what people think of me, fidgeting during uncomfortable social situations, and how my throat starts to close up at the thought of having to say something. Its like living life being allergic to the world around you. It can be a situation, a particular place or an uncomfortable conversation that triggers the sensation of being at the top of a roller coaster and waiting for your stomach to fall. But it doesn't. That sensation stays in my stomach and rises to my throat leaving me feeling even more uncomfortable and unable to speak.

Killing Me Softly

The shadows under my eyes are an illusion, but the smile is genuine after successfully making a roulade, and first attempt at making meringue! 

When I'm having particularly bad days I like to surround myself with comforting things, be that my favourite foods, a good blanket, a Grey's Anatomy marathon or baking my favourite recipes. I frequently bake, its something I really enjoy, mostly because I like giving my treats to others and sharing the happiness. I love the process of baking, IF I'm referring to a recipe that I've used time and time again. Those recipes are a comfort for the hectic days when I really can't bare for anything to go wrong.

Roar

Having severe anxiety can make every day challenging. Some days I have so much anxiety bubbling away in my stomach I can barely leave the house. But some days I have a bit more energy and feel like I can have a little adventure, albeit to the corner shop! I've recently started driving again, I hadn't driven since I passed my test 3 years ago so I was pretty nervous.

New Beginnings

Not the best of photos, but a rare good day was captured on an especially bouncy tree!

I may only be 21 years old but I've come to the point in my life where I need a mid-life breather. I've already had to deal with some very testing moments and some dark struggles. Unfortunately for the past 6 or more years I've been in pretty poor physical health, my immune system has been shot to pieces and I've also been experiencing mental health issues. I will go on to write more about my mental health in future blog posts as the primary focus of my blog is to address conditions such as social anxiety, panic attacks and depression, all of which I have and still experience daily.