Your Words Cut Deep

 Image from https://instagram.com/colourpopcosmetics/

 Image from https://instagram.com/colourpopcosmetics/

 I saw the images from Colour Pop Cosmetics a few weeks ago. Perhaps it's just my mind and vision that made me see something different. Usually make-up swatches are done on the back of the hand to show how the colours look against skin tones. Perhaps I was in some bad head space but it reminded me of something different. This isn't a bad thing I think if that's the intention (as mine was) and as a creator you are looking to produce a strong image, you've got it right there. I am sorry if this causes offence or provokes negative thoughts for anyone. I will now warn you that the following post is on the subject of self harm. I have been working on this post for months. I've created numerous drafts but was never entirely satisfied with the outcome. Unfortunately it took a relapse (last Saturday) for me to be able to create a balanced piece of writing on the subject; I have been both the outsider seeing the scars of self harmers and the participant. I have looked for too long and also been looked at by others. It is my hope that I've discussed the subject sensitively and hopefully it won't trigger any negative thoughts for those who have self harmed in the past or currently still do so. I know how damaging it can be to come across pieces of writing composed in the wrong way about self harm. I have refrained from going into detail on my experiences of self harm to avoid producing triggers or relapses. I hope that people can benefit from reading this. If you are concerned that you could be triggered, I'm sorry, but please try to scroll to the bottom of the post and find the 10 bullet points that I hope will be motivational and inspire happy thoughts.

Self harm isn't an easy topic to talk about, it's a complex thing to experience and to fathom. Some people may believe that self harm is limited to a certain group of people, wrong. These people may also believe there is only one method of self harm, also wrong. It was something that was associated as being "emo" whilst I was in high school (six years ago), the words "depression" "depressed and "depressing" were used colloquially; used casually and didn't mean that those people were genuinely depressed. When I was 16/17 years old I wasn't entirely sure what it meant to be depressed, I knew that I was sad, alone and feeling empty. Somehow I manage to walk around and muddle through life at that time, but at the time I felt like an empty shell, I allowed people to talk to me in ways that aren't acceptable, I was treated badly and I just took it. I didn't process what was happening, the damage had already been done prior to this, they'd beaten me into submission with their words, shunning and not allowing me to pass by without acknowledging them in some way. The damage was done, they'd hit a home run but weren't satisfied with that, they continued to swing away and the balls just bounced off my empty shell.

After a while, I became desperate to feel something. I had felt a lot of pain before, but now it couldn't touch me. I was invincible or indestructible, I was scared that I didn't feel human any more and just didn't feel anything. The Internet is a fantastic resource for many things, in an emergency we can look up how to put a spare tyre on our cars when one is flat, we can search for how to remove certain stains when our parents aren't available to help us with their wealth of knowledge. It's a fantastic resource, but in the hands of someone feeling depressed and desperate to feel some kind of emotion it can become a dangerous tool. I went searching for answers about what was happening to me, why did I feel like an empty shell? How could I feel something again? Type a question into Google or any other search engine and an enormous amount of information is churned out in front of you. I managed to find myself on a website that was essentially a wordy tutorial of ways to harm myself. If I couldn't feel anything why not inflict pain upon myself to feel?

I'll never provide exact details of what I did to myself, partly because I never want anyone to stumble across this blog and see it as a tutorial to harm themselves, I don't want to became part of that system I discovered. It's also a very private thing to go through, I do get asked questions about it and sometimes I will begrudgingly provide some answers to reassure people. Self harm can occur for a variety of reasons. People harm themselves because they desire to feel pain, some people enjoy the pain and crave it, others use it as a form of punishment for things they've done or failed to do. It's associated with a variety of health problems including (but not limited to) depression, anxiety and eating disorders. I self harmed for a combination of reasons, mostly because I longed to feel something, but also as a form of punishment. Strangely enough I punished myself for thinking certain things about myself, the depression was whispering in my ear and more often that not I believed the degrading things it churned out in my mind. Sometimes I felt the need to combat these negative thoughts by punishing the dark monster of depression, its words cut me deep. I inflicted pain upon myself and subsequently said 'monster', and it would go away for a time. I was temporarily slaying the beast.

When I am in that mind frame it's difficult to think good things about myself, I am the queen of put downs for myself. Not a title anyone should strive to achieve. I've struggled to believe that I deserve happiness, friends,  or a future. I struggle to accept compliments because of the hate and put downs I was pelted with by bullies. Perhaps the voice of the dreary dark monster is the bully or at least echoes the voices of those bullies. Do they now exist within me? As is struggle to be kind to myself I find it hard to follow my own advice. A very wise person told me to write down things I'd say to someone who had self harmed so I present you with those musings:

1. Don't listen to the people that say you're doing it for attention. 
2. I know you are hurting right now, but you are strong.
3. When you are ready to do so, make sure that you take care of your wounds, wash them, pop on a plaster if need be (a super awesome colourful one if you can) and carry on. 
4. If anyone asks about the plasters just say a) its an awesome plaster, why wouldn't I wear it? b) tell them the truth about whats its covering, c) say you scraped yourself on a tree branch or make up some badass war-wound story and be the legend you deserve to be known as!
5. They aren't really staring at you, your brain and the illness is making you a wee bit paranoid and wants you to hurt some more. DON'T allow it to!
6. Perhaps they are staring, or they've drifted off into a day dream and their gaze just so happened to rest upon your badass plasters. 
7. If they genuinely are staring and you feel confident enough give THEM the look up and down, "yeah, what you looking at punk?".
8. It's not a sign of weakness, you are not weak. Yes you harmed yourself and I'm sorry that you felt so badly and that this happened to you. I think you are strong, you may have been sad, angry, desperate but you didn't try the alternative. You were so determined to feel something, you are determined to live and to survive this. 
9. Cuts and bruises will fade, the biggest wound of all would be if we lost you. 
10. Wear your scars with pride, you survived, you've healed and you've defeated.

Little Miss Sunshine

 Photos from Maldives trip September 2014

The sun is shining, the sky is bright blue and I'm just as 'blue' as it. For the past few days I've been trying to adapt to a new routine, and despite it only being a few days I'm already exhausted and have been on the edge of breaking. I try my best, I eat as best as I can, take some energy supplements and stick my nose into some women's health and fitness magazines to find more sources to help my energy levels and stomach problems. Alas, no luck so far. Perhaps I just have to find the right combination. Some days I feel so weighed down by depression that it feels like I'll fall through my bed and continue to fall through the levels of the house like an anvil in a cartoon. 

I really love writing this blog, its my way of dealing with some of my problems and feelings, and hopefully in the process I help others too. I've had some feedback from people from school, sixth form and university, all of which has been incredibly supportive. I've also had feedback from people I've never even met who now feel like they know me, which is incredible. Obviously you all only get a snapshot look into my life which could present a skewed image. Things aren't always rosey, but they're also not always incredibly tough. Depression isn't always constant, it has its ups and downs and just loves (!) tripping you up when you least expect it. Unfortunately I've stumbled recently and despite my efforts to hide it, the worries have been breaking through the facade. I'm certainly not faking good moods because I'm afraid of what people will think, if anything I'm more interested in protecting the feelings of those I love. Hopefully I'll be back with a slightly more informative and exciting post soon, I have a few lined up but I was lacking the correct mood to post one of those today. Enjoy the sunshine if it has managed to reach where you are!

Growing Pains

 I got snap happy over my Venus Flytrap!

 I'm not always the best at looking after myself, if I'm having a down-day, week or month I often begin to feel useless and get frustrated due to feeling like I can't do the 'normal' things others can. However, I manage to get myself up for the day if I have certain responsibilities or things I've committed to. Sure I'm not the best at getting up and feeling peppy over going to see my doctor, mostly because of some of the things they've said to me in the past. When it comes to having to be there for other people or my pets I just know I have to find the strength within myself to be there. Its certainly not easy if I've been stuck in that head space for a while, but I've had a support system around me for a long time now. This support system has been responsible for looking after me when I just don't care about my own welfare, they make sure I take my medication, check that I have enough of my prescription, help me get to places if I need to pick something up that I fancy but just don't feel strong enough to drive myself. They mean a lot to me and do so much for me without even having to be asked. Its not easy living with depression, but we must also remember to think about those who stick by us, they may understand our illness and want to help but its not always easy watching someone suffer. These people may well feel equally as exhausted as we do. So, whenever they need something from me, I try to put my worries and wallowing aside to be there for them.

Its a process, adjusting from being looked after to being the one that's taking care of someone else will take time. I've been lucky enough to have been able to look after the most adorable hamster (Ruben) and our puppy (Toby) since January. I don't want to miss any time with them, so I try to make my days as long as possible to spend time with them so I don't miss any of their 'firsts', I don't want to just hear about them from others. Looking after pets has given me more of a structure to my day, something which I have previously written about in the post linked here. Having something else to look after can be great for someone with depression, obviously its not a decision to be made impulsively and there are many aspects to be considered before committing to having a pet. There are many factors that prevent people from getting pets such as allergies, financial and time constraints, a busy work schedule or if you live in rented properties that do not allow pets.

Consider my alternative. On a slightly easier day when your mood has lifted from the depths of depression, try to head out to a garden centre or even a supermarket and have a nosey around their plant sections. You can usually find some small houseplants in supermarkets, them always have an abundance of orchids (!) usually for fairly reasonable prices. Orchids certainly aren't the easiest to look after, but they are beautiful. I was gutted when mine started losing it's flowers, but I've manage to re-pot it and I've even seen a few more leaves sprout out, ITS STILL ALIVE YESSSS! There seems to have been an surge in bloggers and Instagramers posting photos of their cacti and succulent plants, and I've been hooked by those posts too. These plants are relatively low maintenance, incredibly hard to kill off and can be really pretty! Even if you don't think they are particularly pretty perhaps set aside some time to DIY some regular terracotta pots, I picked some up for 40p each from a garden centre. Head over to Pinterest for some inspiration on decorating some plain pots. Just adding some colour to your environment, having some aerate the room and being responsible for something can be a small step towards giving your days more structure and perhaps taking the steps towards looking after others on your stronger days. Yes, I'm aware that plants are a major step down from looking after pets, its nothing like being greeted with a lick across the face. BUT, you also won't get nipped when a chew toy isn't available, and no poops to pick up either!

Pot Kettle Black

 Just a few of the Tweets that fuelled this blog post.

This certainly isn't the post I had planned on doing this week, but current affairs pop up on my radar and I just can't keep quiet! It is quite obvious that I understand my illness, after years of being convinced that I deserved it and that it wasn't a 'real' illness, someone finally told me it was real. Just because you can't see the illness doesn't mean it isn't real. If someone scanned my brain they wouldn't find a big dark tumour-like monster sitting in there feasting upon my happy memories and convincing me that I'm an unlikeable person. I know its a real illness. If you see someone with a plaster cast on their leg you don't question whether their leg is truly broken and hurting, why would we? I really hope that if anyone saw me on my bad days that they'd worry and wonder what was wrong. I hope that they don't see my grey toned face, dark under eye circles, and extremely casual dressed in the dark type attire and think "she's a lazy bitch",  and "why isn't she at work somewhere?!".

Of course most people will have heard about the devastating German plane crash that occurred last week, and may have seen or heard coverage of the event since then. I can't stand that there are people in this world that judge that co-pilot so much. HE has a name, he had a family, he was important to someone. Most importantly and tragically, someone out there knowing he had a mental illness allowed him to continue working as a pilot. The airline should be getting slated for failing to protect an employee's welfare. And a great number of lives were lost because of that poor decision. Of course the families of the victims might struggle to feel sorry for the co-pilot, but I hope that some people out there believe that he was a vicitm too.

My blood is boiling right now because of a certain attention seeking woman whom refuses to be considerate of most of the human race. Katie Hopkins. Oh the things I could say about her, all of which will remain in my head as I do not wish to stoop to her knee scraping level. Some of you may remember the post linked here in which I thought that Katie Hopkins may have finally been able to empathise with some of the people she's insulted so much. After her dramatic weight gain project she broke down in a psychiatrist's office as she realised how hard it is to wake up every day to a body she wasn't happy with. In her documentary we also saw how self conscious she felt when she attempted to resume her exercise routine, she had anxiety over being seen and judged by others. Pot kettle black! Yes I understand that exercise and moving more is good for a great many things, even depression can be relieved (not cured!) by exercising due to the hormones it releases. In her words "people with depression do not need a doctor and a bottle of something that rattles. They need a pair of running shoes and fresh air", perhaps that works for some people, and of course some patients and doctors prefer not to use anti-depressants when possible. Accepting that you need to take anti-depressants isn't an easy way out, it isn't a sign of weakness or admitting defeat. However, sometimes its needed. I certainly wouldn't be in any position to lace up my trainers and go for a run without the assistance of medication. And even whist I have been on anti-depressants I struggle to consider doing this, sometimes I truly am housebound, paralised by anxiety and the phsyical symptoms that come with depression. The medication does more good than harm, yes there can be some nasty side effects, but I've weighed up the pros and cons, and after experiencing life without medication, having a breakdown and seriously considering whether I ought to be admitted into a psychiatric facility I'd say they help me!

 In her usual fashion Hopkins jumped in on the conversations sparked by the German plane crash, unfortunately the more outrageous things she says the more attention she gets and so her career has established on the back of her running her mouth. I understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there ought to be room for a little sensitivity and restraint especially if those opening their mouths have never experienced what they are bashing. In Hopkins's words depression is a fashionable illness for lazy people and is used as a quick diagnosis to get rid of paranoid people in doctor's waiting rooms. Excuse my language but that is bulls**t. She also stated that stigma against mental illness does not exist, I wish that was true. However she managed to contradict her statement all over Twitter, so Katie...the stigma doesn't exist and yet there you are bashing a mental illness and cowardly attacking thousands of people with said illnesses. And the blood is boiling again, the ignorance and arrogance of this woman is unbelievable. I wish I could ignore her, acknowledging her only keeps her career alive, but I can't stand the idea of keeping quiet and allowing her to potentially convince others that her statements are facts.