Challenging Myself

 

The theme of this month has been 'pushing myself'. I had a week more or less alone each day, so I had to be there for Toby (my dog). Now, most dog owners would say 'well yeah, don't we all?' and of course I am but since I've been struggling so much recently I've skimped on the morning walks. Other members of the household enjoy taking him out in the mornings anyway, so in a way I rested on that and became somewhat complacent. I'd go out with him as often as I could in the afternoons, but some days I'd feel horrendous and the last thing I was thinking of was putting my wellies on and going for a long trudge. Alas no more. I will at least walk him once a day, stretch his legs and mine, breathe in some clean fresh air and actually attempt to reach my daily recommended step quota!

I can head off with good intentions, plug one ear into my iPhone and listen to an audio book. That has been my method recently, listening to a good audio book which I reserve only for when I take Toby on a walk. That way I'll get out with him as I should and I'll be jumping at the chance to continue listening to the book. My books of choice are usually something comical or something on depression, quite the contrast eh? Not always, sometimes the two coincide. One minute I can be tearful as I relate to their story so much and the next I can be chuckling at their mishaps as they so often sound like something I too have done. As I said, I go off with good intentions, but that doesn't mean I am calm and collected. Oh no, anxiety is a fickle companion. I can be stumbling along only to hear a rustle, most likely the wind or a squirrel but my mind will say 'someone's following you' my head snaps around to see where the attacker will come from. No one there. My head is still going through the self defence acronym from 'Miss Congeniality' 'SING' Solar-plexus Instep Nose and Groin. Knowing me I'd end up doing it only to apologise frantically as I panic that I might receive a lawsuit despite it being self defence!

Today it wasn't me that was panicking, not me initially anyway. Toby had his defences up as he saw a man that according to him did not belong on the green opposite our driveway. We had to continue walking towards him as that was our walking route. He started barking and howling at him and what appeared to be an industrial hoover that he was dragging to the back of his van. I am incredibly short sighted even with glasses or contact lenses. All I could see was a man in blue work overalls with a prominent thick moustache and a matching thick mop of curly hair. My eyes were seeing a comical Pixar worthy character, not dissimilar to the dad in 'Sunny With a Chance of Meatballs' except his comical bushy eyebrows had migrated to the top of his head. The man chuckled and tutted as we came closer and as I attempted to drag Toby along, he said "don't like me eh? I don't like you much either" I just apologised quickly as I attempted to bribe Toby to walk further along the past at a fast pace. We just about made it a safe distance for him to stop barking, only I stumbled and stepped on one of his paws causing him to squeal and yelp loudly. 'Fantastic', I thought 'now everyone in a close radius thinks that I abuse my dog to stop him barking'. Of course my mind jumped to that assumption. Anxiety you fickle bitch.

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Stepping Out

For the past month I have been religiously wearing my FitBit again. Last Summer was a big struggle, but I got a small amount of joy each day from seeing my tracker smile at me and showing how much I moved. Bare in mind that I would be pretty chuffed if I managed around 1,000 steps a day. At that time I wasn't going out much and struggled to remove my blank stare from the TV and slight comfort of the indent I'd made in the sofa.

Nowadays I'm moving around a bit more. I push myself further each day, even if that's just from chasing Toby (our dog) around the table or doing one more lap of crazy dancing around the island in the kitchen. Some days I venture further afield for a medical appointment- of which there have been many over the past two months- or to pick up some food shopping, walking back and forth along shopping aisles aimlessly AND forgetting multiple items, having to loop back really builds up the steps! I thought it would be an interesting way to keep track of my moods over the months if I translated my daily steps into a graph to post on the blog each month. In a line graph you can clearly see the peaks and troughs of my moods. Towards the end of the month I introduced the magnesium supplements to improve my sleep, which has in turn meant that I've been getting up earlier and having longer days. I always keep track of my day-to-day activities in a planner/diary. My mind is like a faucet at the moment, I can barely remember what I did yesterday never mind last week. I can use my daily notes alongside the graph to identify which days were really bad, which days I pushed myself despite crying most of the morning and the odd day where I forgot to put my tracker on until 4pm! As I said there were days that I cried a lot, I was on my own in the house and was feeling extremely anxious. In the past I would have drawn a line under the day and headed back to bed. However, I had a few responsibilities as I was looking after to Toby and some chickens down the road, the small walk to feed them left me feeling sick, trembling and crying by the time I reached our house again. I had a couple of those days and I 'rallied' through to the end until Robbie got back from work. I often end up baking my way through the depression...although that doesn't always work in my favour as I'll try a stupidly hard recipe and be left crying over a failed bake and a kitchen covered in a sticky mess.

The path to progress isn't always smooth, and you won't be seeing me consistently reaching 10,000+ steps a day anytime soon. As you can see towards the end of the month I had some really big days, followed immediately after by a lull or a rest day. As good as the victories feel, you need to remember that you are ill and you'll feel the aftermath of a fantastic day when you wake up in the morning. My body usually feels like it has been run down by a bus on my rest days...I couldn't move far even if I wanted to. Just remember it's OK to feel that way and don't allow anyone to push you beyond a pace that's comfortable for you.

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Get Walking

As I write this I've just crawled out from beneath my duvet after having a particularly rough day. Technically I haven't seen any of the day to know that it was been rough. For once it isn't depression related. Everyone in the house that realises I've been absent for a day assumes that I'm beating myself up in my head. Today was simply feeling like I had the flu, feeling trampled and having only been tired enough to fall asleep at 7am.

Anyway, today's post isn't about that. This week was the start of FitBit's 'Big Billion Stepathon' for Sports Relief. I don't need to tell you what a fantastic cause it is. FitBit's idea is that for every 20,000 steps each person completes they will donate £1 to Sport Relief. The daily recommended steps for a person to be fit and healthy is 10,000 per day. Should be pretty easy to start raking in the money through doing something we do every day, right? The answer is yes for most people. For people such as myself it might be slightly more difficult. It's not that we are lazy, or don't care. I'll actually be pushing myself harder than normal in attempts to do my bit for the Stepathon! Feeling too low to get up and out of bed? Put on your FitBit and jiggle those legs around in bed, do the warm bed dance! Going out to walk the dog anyway? Give the little fella or lady a treat by stomping around a bit further than normal. Need a few bits from the shop? Don't go out in the car, make use of the local corner shop- getting the steps in AND supporting a local business at the same time, RESULT! Still in your pyjamas, working from home, feeling low or under the weather? Head to the kitchen, put the radio on, switch on the kettle for a lovely warming brew and whilst you wait DANCE IT OUT. Dancing isn't a cure I must say, but dancing like a loon free of all inhibitions is pretty damn satisfying.


The Stepathon is running until the 31st of March, so get moving! Check out the website here for all of the details. If you don't already own a FitBit, they are knocking off some money on all some of their products purchased during the Stepathon! I really recommend them. You don't necessarily need a super flash one. I own the 'Zip' as pictured above. It's easy to set up, can be clipped onto your bra strap, the waistband of your jeans or whatever and can be linked via Bluetooth to an app on your phone which shows you how many steps you're achieving throughout the day! So go on, give it a go! I'd love to hear how many steps you achieve!

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