Hiatus

As some of you loyal readers may have noticed I didn't post anything last week. I'd like to think that you understand me well enough now to realise something was wrong. Last week I was away on holiday which was lovely. I had prepared some content to schedule for whilst I was away, unfortunately on the Saturday before we were due to go away on the Sunday I experienced a loss. Now, to some it might not seem like a significant 'loss' but to me it felt colossal. I have previously written a post about my pets on the blog so you will know that animals feature in my day to day life. Sadly my hamster Ruben passed away on Saturday. I expect some of you to be sitting here reading think "seriously? She's had a wobble because her rat died?!", not a rat cheers he was a hamster.

I got Ruben at a time when I was feeling very much alone in the world and felt no reason to carry on getting up every day to greet a life dominated by depression. Ruben was my companion in the many sleepless nights brought on from insomnia, he was something I could focus on, something I could take care of when I didn't feel like taking care of myself anymore. He gave me a purpose and brought smiles, all-be them brief ones at times, to my face when I didn't feel like I'd ever smile again. He was a cheeky little chappy that liked being fed from my hand and refused to eat from his bowl. He preferred running on top of his wheel rather than in it. He greeted me when I walked into the office and found him standing on his back legs with his front paws clasped together looking like a waiter waiting to say "I have an excellent table for you here". He scared off predators such as Toby (our puppy) and Kitty (our adopted feline friend) when he rolled around in his ball. He gave me a sleepless night when he escaped from said ball and was nowhere to be found. I loved him very much and he'll be sorely missed. For now I will grieve for him, for his gorgeous expression, silky soft fur and the way he tickled me as I let him walk along my shoulders and back. In the dead of night Robbie and I found a lovely spot in the garden for him where wild flowers grow. He was the first pet we had together, the first pet we've had that has died and so we are very sad about it. However, we have lovely memories with him and in time we will be able to welcome another furry critter into our lives. It can be very hard when you lose a pet, you might feel like you will never be able to have another pet again. That is the grief talking, because we all know that we can feel that kind of joy and love again. Pets will never be replaced, they'll always be remembered and cherished.

I will return to posting regularly, although for now I cannot say when that will be. I need some time to feel teary and work through my low moods. Rest assured that I will be working on content when I can I'm definitely writing something BIG right now *wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more*.

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Bitten In the Butt

It's scary how quickly things can turn around with depression. Despite having to take care of things by myself for a week, I'd been doing pretty well. Ever since we've had Toby (our pup) I've been getting out of the house more than ever before. However, I find it really challenging to take him for a walk by myself. I like to have a route in mind, somewhere with lots of space where I can see if other dog walkers are coming up ahead so I can try to avoid them. I did a few practise runs with Robbie before my solo walks. They went fairly well, one major challenge was driving as I hadn't done any for a while, since my operation at the beginning of October actually.

Surprisingly I didn't have too many blunders during that week. The unexpected trip up came when everyone returned home and we had a full house again. I know that I get anxious during transitions from being alone after being surrounded by people, and also when returning to a full house again. I finally get used to enjoying the space rather than fearing it, then it all returns to a busy chaotic minefield again.

I'd been printing off all of my old blog posts, which turned out to be quite the stack of paper! I'm currently working through them for something I'm working on at the moment. For me it's a strange process, blogging has always been fairly strange for me. I'll write about things that have happened recently and events that happened a long time ago but I've only just processed them. Some posts might have been written weeks ago, others perhaps the day of publishing them. I always check through them one last time before making them 'live'. However, even if I've just read through them all of 30 minutes ago, I couldn't tell you what they say. My short term memory has been shot to pieces by this illness. During some of my lowest times I can recall watching an entire season of a TV programme, but I have no recollection of what happened. I can remember rough plot lines of books I read, but I have no idea who the characters were, what the book cover looked like or even what the title was. I think this is the process of my brain trying to protect itself (bare with me). There are so many 'stressors' (traumatic events, memories, people etc.) that can build up to cause a breakdown or a period of depression. I believe that those 'stressors' take up so much space in my head, so there is little or no room for trivial information to be stored during those times. Even if one of those trivial things is something I have written, something I really ought to be able to remember but I just can't.

As I said, I was reading through old posts I'd written. I felt sad for the person that had been through these things. And I realised it was me! People often tell me that they find it difficult to read some of my posts, that they make them teary eyed at times. For me, I've lived through those moments already, they were hell to experience when they happened and in some cases it has taken me years to be able to even recall all the details of those events. In my mind I've already experienced that trauma, patched myself up and moved on. Imagine my shock when I sunk into a depressed mood over reading about something I've actually experienced, yet the words made me so sad and suddenly re-live it. My movements became very slow, I lost my appetite after being ravenous moments before, all I wanted to do was sleep. I trudged upstairs ready to fall into bed, but I'd misplaced my phone. And somehow I was suddenly losing my breath, feeling flustered, leaning into the door frame of our bathroom clutching at my chest that felt like it was on fire. I was having a HUGE panic attack, over a bloody phone! I know now that it wasn't just over a phone, it was a number of factors. It was not being prepared to feel this saddened and low over something I've already lived through, written about and moved on from. I was being attacked by my past. I was crying on the floor curled up into a ball clutching at my chest. It was all too familiar to the breakdown of February 2014. It felt like nothing had changed, I had fallen to my knees sobbing, howling and not caring about how it must have looked or sounded to other people in the house.

I don't want anyone to run to my aid now. I'm OK now. Over time I have learnt to recover quicker from panic attacks and low periods. A sign of progress! Of course it's alarming to me and anyone else in my life when this happens. It's unexpected for all of us, and yet it shouldn't be. Yes, I've made progress in many areas and some days it may seem like I'm well again. But, I still have an illness,  I am still very, very unwell and need to bare in mind that I can't run a marathon without training for it first! My project (very secret I'm afraid) will not stop because of this incident. I just need to take things slowly and remember that even my own words can hurt me.

Growing Pains

 I got snap happy over my Venus Flytrap!

 I'm not always the best at looking after myself, if I'm having a down-day, week or month I often begin to feel useless and get frustrated due to feeling like I can't do the 'normal' things others can. However, I manage to get myself up for the day if I have certain responsibilities or things I've committed to. Sure I'm not the best at getting up and feeling peppy over going to see my doctor, mostly because of some of the things they've said to me in the past. When it comes to having to be there for other people or my pets I just know I have to find the strength within myself to be there. Its certainly not easy if I've been stuck in that head space for a while, but I've had a support system around me for a long time now. This support system has been responsible for looking after me when I just don't care about my own welfare, they make sure I take my medication, check that I have enough of my prescription, help me get to places if I need to pick something up that I fancy but just don't feel strong enough to drive myself. They mean a lot to me and do so much for me without even having to be asked. Its not easy living with depression, but we must also remember to think about those who stick by us, they may understand our illness and want to help but its not always easy watching someone suffer. These people may well feel equally as exhausted as we do. So, whenever they need something from me, I try to put my worries and wallowing aside to be there for them.

Its a process, adjusting from being looked after to being the one that's taking care of someone else will take time. I've been lucky enough to have been able to look after the most adorable hamster (Ruben) and our puppy (Toby) since January. I don't want to miss any time with them, so I try to make my days as long as possible to spend time with them so I don't miss any of their 'firsts', I don't want to just hear about them from others. Looking after pets has given me more of a structure to my day, something which I have previously written about in the post linked here. Having something else to look after can be great for someone with depression, obviously its not a decision to be made impulsively and there are many aspects to be considered before committing to having a pet. There are many factors that prevent people from getting pets such as allergies, financial and time constraints, a busy work schedule or if you live in rented properties that do not allow pets.

Consider my alternative. On a slightly easier day when your mood has lifted from the depths of depression, try to head out to a garden centre or even a supermarket and have a nosey around their plant sections. You can usually find some small houseplants in supermarkets, them always have an abundance of orchids (!) usually for fairly reasonable prices. Orchids certainly aren't the easiest to look after, but they are beautiful. I was gutted when mine started losing it's flowers, but I've manage to re-pot it and I've even seen a few more leaves sprout out, ITS STILL ALIVE YESSSS! There seems to have been an surge in bloggers and Instagramers posting photos of their cacti and succulent plants, and I've been hooked by those posts too. These plants are relatively low maintenance, incredibly hard to kill off and can be really pretty! Even if you don't think they are particularly pretty perhaps set aside some time to DIY some regular terracotta pots, I picked some up for 40p each from a garden centre. Head over to Pinterest for some inspiration on decorating some plain pots. Just adding some colour to your environment, having some aerate the room and being responsible for something can be a small step towards giving your days more structure and perhaps taking the steps towards looking after others on your stronger days. Yes, I'm aware that plants are a major step down from looking after pets, its nothing like being greeted with a lick across the face. BUT, you also won't get nipped when a chew toy isn't available, and no poops to pick up either!

Total Life Overhaul

My life has been completely transformed recently, my usually quiet days spent mostly in isolation have come to end. There are many aspects of my life that have changed dramatically in the past year. Last February I had a major breakdown due to living in isolation for so long, feeling incredibly lonely and as a result of the lack of results from being on a variety of different drugs for depression and anxiety. As you know I ended up leaving university in the summer and I haven't looked back since.