Therapy in my Underwear

My counsellor lives 200 miles away from me and we've never properly met each other. Sounds odd? We haven't met in person but we've had near weekly calls since April, making this the most successful period of counselling I've ever had: my previous record was 5 sessions with a counsellor. I struggled to find the right fit with a counsellor much like the struggle to get the perfect skinny jeans: slim in the legs without going baggy over the knees or suffocating my hips. I've had counsellors that have made a good first impression only to end up being disappointing, didn't fit well for long, appalling quality (I'm really stretching the jeans analogy) and over-all a waste of my money.


Over the years I've seen counsellors at college, I visited university talking therapists, I attempted to use a phone service recommended by my doctor when I was at uni (it was appalling) and I've seen some private counsellors too. I took breaks in between because I was left feeling deflated and even more helpless than when I started. After one last attempt at NHS counselling, I decided to search for someone who would hopefully be a good fit for me. But my choices were limited by my location and at the time I was also restricted because I couldn't drive due to severe anxiety.


I decided to widen my scope and look into Skype counselling. If you check out the online counselling directory here you'll see that you can search by location but you can also specify qualities of the counsellor that would be ideal for you such as gender, age and for my search I selected to see those who offered Skype sessions. I found someone whose website really impressed me and fortunately they were just as impressive.

If you live outside the UK an alternative service available is Modern Therapy. They are based in the USA offering counselling services in person and online depending upon your preferences and location. They even offer a free consultation to new clients to help assess what you are looking for from therapy and to assign a counsellor who could be a good fit for you. I really admire the service they are offering. As much as we'd all like to be able to receive free counselling, we often can't stand the wait on the never ending lists. Modern Therapy offer a quality service without charging beyond a patients means. Check out their charming back story here.


FYI I've never actually done a session remotely whilst sitting in my underwear (!) but one of the many advantages of Skype counselling is that you totally could do that. I got so tightly wound when I sat in cold, bland counselling rooms with minimal furniture. I never really managed to feel comfortable. Whereas with this I can be fully dressed or in my pyjamas, sans make-up if that's what I need that day, sat on the sofa cuddling a pillow with a glass of water and a cup of tea in front of me. There's also the bonus that I don't have to avoid eye contact; I never knew how long I should hold it for and there was never anything hanging on the walls that I could look at instead. The only shortcoming with this kind of therapy is that sometimes the internet cuts out and the picture freezes but that's easily fixed. Just ensure that you test out where your connection is best in the house before you start having regular sessions so you can avoid any major disruptions.


I know that having counselling privately isn't possible for everyone but if you're able to spend a bit of money on it each week or once a fortnight it can be worth it. I did spend a lot of time on waiting lists for NHS talking therapies but I was in such a bad way: I needed to get some help urgently not in x amount of months time. The convenience of the setup has been transformative for my progress with counselling as I no longer get into an anxious and stressed state over travelling to my appointments or sitting in waiting rooms. I'd highly recommend it if this sounds like something you'd be open to considering and if you can afford to spend the money on treating your mental health.

Life Update

A hearty hello to you all, I know it's been a while since I lasted posted. As I explained in my last post I was having a difficult time after the death of a beloved pet, if you didn't see the post I have linked it here for you to read. I've had a break from both of my blogs as I needed some time to adjust without having the little critter around, that and his little home was in my office so the space left in his wake has been enormous and I haven't wanted to face that room for a while.

Since my last post I've been regaining some control over my life. I say some as it seems as if I have a fair few things hovering beyond my grasp and I can't reach out and grab them all at the same time! I've been seeing an acupuncture therapist for a few months now which has been incredible for me. Just having somewhere else to go during the day is nice and I've established a good relationship with Tracey who presses needles into me like a pin cushion for one hour a week. I'll talk more about that in a future post so if you have any questions about acupuncture please send them to my e-mail cheerfulchelsea@outlook.com or comment below and I'll answer them in that blog post.

After a couple of acupuncture appointments in which I have a 10 minute talk through the previous week's activities, highs and lows, I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of seeing a counsellor again. I've had some pretty horrendous experiences with health care professionals from various departments including counsellors. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to trust someone in that way again after having my words twisted back on me which made me feel worse than ever and guilty about everything I had disclosed to them. Seeing Tracey and becoming so comfortable with her made me realise there are genuinely nice people out there who want to listen and help, it's not just about getting paid at the end of the hour! I'll also be writing another post on how I found my new counsellor and how the experience feels so different this time.

Finally, I've been getting on top of my physical health problems of which there are many! It's hard to believe that I am only 23 years old some times as I feel pretty rusty, broken down and generally in need of a full service and oil change! I've had a bit more energy since I've kick-started my sleeping pattern with the help of magnesium supplements. As a result I've finally felt able to start exercising again. I often discredit myself for the amount of exercise I get just from walking Toby every day, but I haven't felt properly fit or comfortable in my skin for so many years now. It's the classic case of summer is coming and I'm not ready for it. I don't think of it as getting "bikini body ready" because that is applicable all year round, you've got a body, get a bikini and bam done. For me it's about not wanting to have another summer come around only for me to feel uncomfortable, wanting to hibernate and chuck on some winter clothes to cover every inch of my body and wondering why I didn't make some changes sooner.

It seems as if taking some time off can be good for the blog! I've got a lot to write about, a lot to share and hopefully some of it will help someone else. I'm also working up the courage to start filming videos. I think the majority will be beauty based. However, I have a few ideas for some videos that could help the readers of this blog. Some will be me recounting things I've already discussed on the blog. Sometimes people struggle to read long pieces of text and take in details, particularly when they are depressed so hearing those words being spoken and seeing someone they could relate to could be beneficial to them. I'll also produce some videos on things I haven't discussed before. My real aim is to show you that there is a real person behind this blog, that you can trust and confide in me if you wish. Much in the same way as this blog, you will only see what I allow you to see through videos, you still don't get the entire story or what someone is really going through when you only see a small viewfinder of them and their life. Anyway, I think it will be beneficial for me too, being able to flex my creative muscles in a new way through producing and editing videos.

No matter how many breaks I take from the blog I hope you all know that I'll always return to it, the exception being if I fall out of love with writing. I can't see that happening any time soon. In the last post I disclosed that I've been working on something big. I don't want to jump the gun so lets just say it's an extended piece of writing that I've been working on for over a year...

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Happy Birthday

The official date of my blog birthday is the 14th of October, so this would have been an ideal post for last week as it fell on a Wednesday (my normal blogging day). As I previously mentioned on the Cheerful Chelsea Facebook page, I recently had an operation on my nose (not a nose job thanks) and I decided to extend my blogging vacation. Fear not! I have not abandoned the blog, I just felt like I was beginning to repeat myself. Even though I'm often sharing my personal history and experiences with you, it can take me a while when writing about certain events and topics. This is usually due to me suppressing things over the years so I'm slowly uncovering details and rediscovering memories. Fortunately for others out there, I am in a better place to deal with things now so hopefully my words will provide some relief if you've been through similar experiences.

Anyway, it's been one year since I started the blog! I just wanted to take the time to say thank you to everyone that has supported me this year and has read any of my blog posts. Due to the nature of this blog I understand that most readers might not be in the position where they feel comfortable to comment. I felt the same a few years ago, I was worried about certain people seeing me 'like' and comment on things to do with mental health. Despite not getting many comments, I am still in awe of how many views I receive! So thank you very much for listening (?) to me all year long.

It may not come as a surprise that I have been worrying about how long I will be able to continue writing in this way. Will it only last for as a long as I have depression? Will my readership start to fall as it begins to look like I've covered everything? Of course there is SO much to cover on mental health, and I only cover a small percentage of that as I can only write about what I've experienced. Writing has been so beneficial to my recovery as it has allowed me to fill the void left from not seeing a counsellor anymore. I didn't have the best experience with counsellors, I went through six different counsellors and decided that was enough. I'm not saying that anyone should forgo seeing a counsellor, it is definitely something that should be tried. All illnesses have a variety of treatments to alleviate the symptoms, one size does not fit all when it comes to the treatment of depression, and the same applies to so many other medical conditions. I may return to counselling one day, but for now being able to write allows me to work through my problems and process them in a way I never did in the past.

As for the future of the blog. Who knows. I definitely want to and WILL continue to write here. Perhaps Cheerful Chelsea will become a less ironic blog name over time! In the way that life evolves I'm sure the blog will develop too and it will be a way to document the time-line of my life. There might (probably will) be happier times to come, such as Robbie and I choosing to get married some day in the future. Hopefully posts on those kinds of developments in my life will encourage others to hope and believe that there will be an end to their depression. After-all, storms can't last forever.

Time To Talk

A counsellor's office is thought to be a safe place, somewhere you can surrender all of the thoughts that have been recycled over and over again in your head. Perhaps those thoughts and feelings can also later be aired in attempts to help others or to let people know that there are others out there just like you, facing similar problems, someone who can empathise. I hope I can be that someone, so I've decided to share my experience of the first time I said it out loud, three words. I have depression.

I hope that it is already apparent that I'm an advocate of talking about mental illness. It matters, many people experience these conditions and yet there are very few conversations being had about it. For those who have recently realised they have such an illness it can take a while to be able to talk about it with others. I was one of those individuals. It took me three years to fully understand what I was suffering with, and to discover the full extent of my condition. I went through a process of wanting to find out everything I could about it, I probably could have written a dissertation with the amount of research I did! There was also a long period of denial, and eventually acceptance. Perhaps my circumstances were unique in some ways, so please do not fret, it doesn't take everyone that long to realise whats going on and to seek help. I wish I could say that realising what I had was the hardest part, but for me saying it out loud was extremely difficult. I wasn't aware of anyone in my life whom had experienced anything like what I was going through. Perhaps that's because others were afraid to speak up too.

I sought the help of a counsellor at my sixth form college, a service which wasn't well advertised and I had to go searching for. I took advantage of being able to communicate through e-mail. Initially I wanted to know what kinds of problems they could help with. Eventually I let go of what I was holding on to, I wrote about everything that had happened and was still happening to me. I continued e-mailing the counsellor for months, sometimes I'd e-mail daily updates because things were so bad and the counsellor wanted to be informed of anything that was occurring in my life good or bad to help them help me. Eventually I scheduled an appointment only to cancel it after a restless night thinking about it or sometimes I'd cancel it the morning of the session. After a while I managed to make the walk towards the door of the counsellor's office, progress, except I'd then continue walking past the door and would be firing off a quick apology e-mail. Unfortunately stigma against mental illnesses was present within the sixth form, I'd even heard such stigma voiced by someone in my friendship group there. The counsellor's office was in such a public, well-used space with students flowing through and meeting people nearby. Eyes were everywhere and I was very conscious of that. Eventually I found a time when the area was quieter so I could quickly dash into the counsellor's office. The door I'd be so afraid of passing through, turned out to lead into a room akin to the size of Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's house. An ideal place for a highly strung, anxious, fidgeting individual, not. I really hope they didn't encourage claustrophobics to go see them there.

After all of the months of deterring the one-on-one session I said my piece only to receive many "mmms", "mhmms" and "how does that make you feel?" in exchange for my heavy burden. I left crying and headed into the nearby staff toilets to vomit and come face to face with an initially stern member of staff, I think my appearance made them reconsider scolding me and they scurried off. I washed my face and returned to my friends in the library with the lie that I'd been meeting with a staff member about areas for revision. And so I returned to the facade that all was well and the impression that I was "cheerful Chelsea' remained intact.

I don't mean to deter anyone from seeking the help of a counsellor, talking through problems really does help. The first time will always be the hardest, and unfortunately one counsellor does not fit all. Sometimes people get lucky and the first person they meet with will be a perfect match. Unfortunately some people will give up after trying one counsellor that just didn't quite understand them or didn't provide them with the type of help they were looking for. Frustratingly the wait list for meeting with counsellors on the NHS is long and slow, but making the move to get on a list is positive progress and hopefully it means you are one step closer to beginning your recovery. I was initially put off counsellors after my awful session. I never went back to see that counsellor and it took me a long time to accept the amount of help I needed. Sometimes people can pick themselves up on their own and carry on with life. Others struggle a bit more and need to raise their hand and say "I'm stuck here, I could use some help". Ask for help and usually it is given, I certainly like to think there are more good people in this world than bad, and since I started writing this blog I've found those people all over the place. So give it go, take a deep breath and let all of it out.

Mental Health In The News

My response to an article in The Times 'Schools calling in therapists as stress soars among pupils'. 

Last week an article written in The Times was brought to my attention, the subject being that of mental health issues in children and young adults. Our generation has seen an increase in the amount of pressure placed on us whilst we are in the education system, even more so now as young adults must go on to sixth form education and in the face of exam systems changing and becoming harder. As the pressure to achieve high grades increases, students are becoming more stressed. Where does this stress go and where do students go for help? In the aforementioned article it is stated that 'top schools' are seeking help for their students through professional psychiatrists, including Priory group clinics, a privately based group of psychiatrists of whom I have sought help from in the past. The article solely focuses on private/public schools as opposed to state schools, they say that there is an increased amount of anxiety present in children facing entrance tests to elite preparatory schools. Perhaps such institutions ought to address the problem at the source, placing such an amount of pressure on such young children isn't the best thing for their health, and could impact their ability to learn later on. I certainly wasn't seen as an academic during my time at secondary school, I wasn't at the top of my classes, I flew under the radar but I certainly felt the pressure of having to achieve high grades. This pressure wasn't due to me having high expectations, nor was it my parents breathing down my neck due to a fear of me not going on to further education. It was the school itself, they weren't intentionally creating a stressful environment for their students. However, state schools, just like public schools, face an increased pressure to achieve a certain standard indicated by OFSTED reports, they're either aiming to maintain a certain level or even rise from a poor report. This determination tends to have a negative affect upon the students, teachers want to be seen to be creating model students with high grades, or risk facing criticism for their quality of teaching. 

The article refers to how some public schools are seeking the help of professionals to help with students experiencing stress related problems and high levels of anxiety. Its understandable that a school would want to seek the help of the very best for their students, but paying for private help isn't possible within all schools. The state school I attended didn't even have enough funding for an in-school counsellor. Even if this service was available within a school, would children take advantage of it? My biggest issue with using a counselling service (later in sixth form) was the fear of being seen near the counsellor's office in a very public, busy part of the sixth form. Some children may deter seeking help due to fear of stigma, which unfortunately is present within schools. I believe that the use of psychiatrists by private schools might not be in the best interests of the students. Perhaps these schools are actually attempting to protect their backs, attempting to maintain their 'top school' status through producing Oxbridge students. Private help certainly is not the only answer, in fact my experience with private assistance was not the best, everyone's experience is different and I'm open to other opinions, however I believe they did more harm to my mental health than good. 

I am of course very happy to see more media coverage on mental health issues, particularly coverage of mental health care of young people. However, it ought to be addressed across all areas of education. I know that as a broadsheet newspaper The Times is generally considered to be a 'middle class' publication and so it is more likely for them to cover these issues in a way that address their target market. The Times have implemented a campaign for training teachers to help identify at risk children within schools, something which I wholeheartedly support. There ought to be room in schools' budgets to accommodate the mental health needs of their students. I certainly wish there had been a counsellor available in a secure, and discrete location within my school, perhaps I would have been able to prevent my problems from spanning across my years within higher education. Mental health specialists certainly should not be forced upon children. If teachers can receive training to identify at risk children they ought to only act when they are 100% certain and perhaps when the parents of the minor have been contacted. Singling out a child in the wrong way could do more damage, particularly if they haven't yet established what is wrong with them for themselves, or if the teacher is wrong about their suspicions. As is said before, help should not be forced upon them as this could create a negative association or a trigger for the child involved. I believe that mental health education ought to be taught within schools as part of their PSHE lessons (personal, social and health education) and certainly not breezed over as a topic covered quickly.