Jar of Hearts: "You're Gonna Catch a Cold From the Ice Inside Your Soul"

 Queen of Hearts? The blog title is a direct reference to the Ice Queen whom I'll be referring to in this post. 

So this is a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute to just sit right here and tell you all about how I became the...well, not the prince of a town called Belair.   Damn. Not my original writing unfortunately! That just seemed like the perfect way to ease into this blog post. My life definitely got turned upside down, and most days I'm still hanging from the earth like a bat. I've written a fair bit about how it feels to be depressed, but I haven't written about when I first started experiencing symptoms of depression and what caused them.

People become depressed for a variety of reasons, be it an extension of grief, a consequence of unemployment or postpartum depression. It took me a long time to realise that I was depressed. I was slightly too young to comprehend what I was feeling and the reasons behind it. By the age of sixteen I had turned into a self conscious wreck. I had become isolated at the worst time, I was sad and tearful without reason and I sought comfort in the form of food. Food became my worst enemy, at that point I gained two stone in the space of a month or so, which left me feeling incredibly uncomfortable in my skin and also caused rapid growth in a certain *ahem* area. Perhaps I was paranoid and already on the brink of anxiety attacks, but I felt eyes on me all day long at school, I felt stares burning into me, criticising the weight gain and sudden bustiness. I only felt some relief when I finally got home from school.

The reason behind these sudden changes and insecurities was because of bullying. At the time I wouldn't have called it bullying, it wasn't the bullying I had known to fear and report to teachers. I wasn't beaten, or cornered in classrooms and playgrounds. It was 100% manipulative psychological and emotional bullying. Whenever I have recapped those events I feel like I'm referencing a scene from Mean Girls or any typical teen girl bitchy drama. A rumour was started so that the bully could keep someone at their side, close friends I'd known for years through hard times had been turned against me, and it almost came to a choosing of sides standpoint. Despite telling the bully that the whole situation was ridiculous and that we should get on for the sake of our friends, this made no difference, they were "happy with the way things were", those words stung me like a bitter winter's night. She spat out that retort in a way that made it clear that there was no room for me in that group anymore. I made a choice, I walked away. It was the year of GCSEs and no-one needed that kind of crap going on. I isolated myself for what I thought was for the sake of my friends' sanity. I never thought that those events and the fallout would plague my life for so long.

On my stronger days I refuse to allow that person the satisfaction of affecting me. Some days I wish the worst on them. Other days I'd hear how bullies usually have problems of their own and so I should almost feel sorry for them. It's a difficult inner turmoil. My mental health issues aren't the sole product of those former school days, but they certainly tore a sizeable chunk from me, they took a toll on my physical health and appearance, it planted doubts in my mind of whether I'm a good or likeable person, I questioned if I was the one with the problem and it rattled me to the core causing extreme social anxiety.

I was fortunate enough to have other friends to help me through those days, not that they knew how much I needed them at the time. I am still so grateful to them and they are responsible for many good memories during any otherwise dark time. I've been asked if I would have made a different choice back then now that I know how much damage my original choice made. The reality is that I can't regret any of the choices I've made, they have shaped the person I am today. If I had remained where I was things may have become a lot worse for me, I might have failed my GCSEs and continued in a downward spiral fuelled by food. I also wouldn't be able to empathise with others who have been on the receiving end of bullying or those who also have the same illnesses. I can't say I'm grateful for those things and events for shaping the person before you. But I can say that I have no regrets.