Changes

No face art today, the inspiration was there but my hands and head wouldn't cooperate. So here's a cheery face instead.

When I am especially unhappy in myself I seek to change physical things. In the past year my hair has been a variety of colours, I've been tattooed and pierced. Most of these changes I have embraced and haven't regretted. I will certainly never regret my tattoos, both of which happen to be floral and could mistakenly be seen as being 'girly', which isn't an issue but a girly tattoo wasn't the outcome I was looking for.
I have a lotus flower on my wrist, the location seemed appropriate as prior to the time of getting the tattoo I had started self harming, a point that I never saw myself coming to. I thought that if I was ever that distressed again I'd be able to look at my wrist and remind myself to stay strong, the tattoo was almost a reward for finally holding my hand up and admitting that I needed help. Five petals for five years of suffering in silence, five years of self-loathing and living in isolation. The lotus flower lives in murky waters, usually pretty boggy places, they settle at the bottom of the water where the light cannot reach them. But each day the flower rises to the surface of the water, it seeks the light and starts anew each day; a new beginning. I also have a floral piece on my side along with the words "every flower must grow through dirt", even the most beautiful of creations sometimes have to live through bad conditions. Unfortunately I am still living amongst the dirt, waiting to bloom and tilt my face towards the sun.

I certainly never thought that I would ever get tattoos. When I was younger I was brought up to think that they were ugly, that they wouldn't age well and were associated with certain groups of people. But now I appreciate that some people need a solid reminder to stay strong or to have hope when things get tough, and if that prevents someone from breaking down or self harming then so be it. I've never had much confidence in my body, I still struggle to like the way I look. But since having my tattoos I've felt a lot more comfortable in my skin.

Some of the other changes I've made or attempted haven't helped me as much. They have all been attempts to help me feel more comfortable in myself and perhaps to gain confidence. I had to force myself to see past the 'my little pony unicorn' hair and see the reflection of a broken girl staring at me, pleading me to address the problems caused by the stubborn sting of depression. The bitter reality is that I've lost who I was, I still don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do. I'm sure that most of us go through these periods, but for some of us these periods are a long and brutal road to discovering our purpose and our identity. When you lose the sense of who you are, it can be difficult to stay in the present. I often look back to when everything changed, whether I should have made some different decisions and then perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation now. Changes can be unsettling, they can involve some regrettable decisions, but some changes are for the better. I can't keep my mind in the past. Every decision I made six years ago and up until today have shaped the person I am, those decisions have caused a lot of pain, but they have also lead to me meeting some of the greatest people, finding my partner and best friend, allowing someone to etch my artwork on my skin and most importantly have allowed me to experience this cruel illness. And I truly hope that my experiences, letting those moments be heard and providing the smallest solutions and insights to getting better, I really hope they can help someone.