A phrase about love is thrown around a lot, that being "we accept the love we think we deserve". In my case I'm frequently rejecting the love I (possibly) deserve. I'm often trying to convince Robbie that he needs to find the receipt and get an exchange due to receiving faulty goods. When I'm in a really bad place I'll consistently do a few things: I'll eventually reach out to Robbie, usually with some kind of cryptic message rather than saying "I'm balling my eyes out, come help". I'll sob uncontrollably and almost choke on the amount of liquid pouring out of my face and saturating my pillow. I'll somehow choke out the words "I can't do this anymore", "it hurts so bad", and "just let me die". None of which are pleasant phrases to hear from the person you love.
There have been many times when I have pushed Robbie away. I say hurtful things because I want to protect him. Twisted logic. I want to protect him from me, from 'it'. When I'm in that state I decide that hurting him is the only way to convince him to leave me. Regrettably on a couple of occasions in the past I have physically pushed him away. Something which ended up causing me more pain. All of this is to no avail. What actually hurts him the most is finding out that I've been suffering and haven't told him. He only ever wants to help, finding out too late is what truly wounds him.
To all those suffering and still have loved ones that remain by your side, do not push them away. Their love should be accepted. As resilient as they may seem, if you (we) continue to push them they may just let you defeat them one day. Learn to accept the love that is present in your life, the love you obviously deserve.
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