It can be hard to realise that you've made progress during recovery from a mental illness. I'm definitely the last to acknowledge and admit that I've gained some ground after all of my baby steps. When you are so consumed by depression and anxiety it can be hard to see outside it. Last year was the real start to my recovery, and even the start of acknowledging that I was really unwell. I've lived the majority of my life feeling nervous and shy, I never had much confidence in my abilities at school or when socialising with people. I'd be the last person to join in and would be terrified that the party music would stop on me holding the package in pass the parcel. There seems to come a time when being shy isn't 'cute' or acceptable anymore. Eventually the word 'anxious' gets pinned onto people. In my case this is 100% accurate. During a conversation with anyone, even family members, I need something to fiddle with, usually jewellery. All of my anxiety is projected onto an object, I'll play with my necklace and bring it up to my face to cover my mouth during conversations. I'm not sure if people understand when I say this, but whenever I'm out with my puppy and he's acting a bit loopy, taking all the new scents in with his nose, twirling around on the lead and bouncing around I say "he's exposing my anxiety'. What I mean is that he is showing how I feel externally for everyone to see, it makes me panic even more because I feel so exposed AND I have to attempt to calm him down.
A sign of the progress I've made is that I've realised that I can be comfortable around people after spending time with them in small groups. Even those I used to genuinely believe hated me. I projected negative feelings onto myself, assuming that everyone hated my awkwardness as much as I did. I'm not completely comfortable yet, I still need something to keep my hands busy with. The progress also seems to come crashing down when someone else comes into the group. It suddenly feels like a massive imbalance to me, I don't know how to act around them and I dread the questions they might ask me if they don't know anything about my situation. The worst question for me is "so, what do you do?" cue a hammering heart in my chest, a sweaty brow and upper lip, and crossing and un-crossing my legs frantically. I'm doing pretty well right now, the house is full to the brim with people. I'm OK if I know that I have a space carved out for me when I need to retreat. We're currently in the process of moving house right now (a first for me!) it's pretty chaotic and there are strangers about as they're helping us pack everything up. So far I haven't dived headfirst into my bed because it's become too much for me, yet.
The biggest difference I've noticed this year is that I actually notice things! Last summer I didn't take in my surroundings at all. I remember having a conversation about this with my psychiatrist (when I saw one), he asked me what colour the flowers were at the front of the building. I stared blankly at him and just said "there were flowers outside?", the front of the building was covered in them. Oops. I just had no enthusiasm for life. I wasn't living, I was just existing. Nowadays I'm the first to notice the new blossoms coming out, I see that the tadpoles have become teeny tiny frogs crawling through the grass. I was even happy to go to Hampton Court flower show last week, it was heaving with people and we were fighting against a crowd the entire time. The HUGE tent was boiling hot so I had double the amount of sheen across my face what with the heat and the anxious sweats. Surprisingly I enjoyed myself. I used my camera as a barrier, I almost saw everything through the lens but I did remember to look up and enjoy what was going on around me. I didn't think twice about squatting down and getting right up close to the flowers and cacti (eeee!) to get the shot I wanted. I also discovered that apparently I've come of an age where I squeal over cactus plants and a beautiful piece of wood, just regular wood in an interesting naturally formed shape!
It takes time to see the changes and the progress. This can be disheartening, but I prefer to see it as the opportunity to see everything again with fresh eyes.
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