I Went To See a Clairvoyant

 


Not a blog title a ever expected to be writing. There are some things in life that I try to avoid discussing, mostly areas that tread into the territories of politics and religion as they can cause heated discussions and conflicts amongst friends. Generally I used to describe myself as an atheist until I realised that would mean that I didn't believe in anything spiritual. I don't follow a religion but when it comes to discussions on what happens after death I do have some particular beliefs, mostly that this can't be all there is, surely we can't live for decades only to fade into nothing once we die. I'd never preach my views nor would I dismiss those of others, we can disagree without being disrespectful of one another.

I never would have thought I'd be going to see a clairvoyant, it's a word that summons images of palm readings, tarot cards, rabbits feet, crystal balls and an episode of 'The Simpsons'. I've felt like my life has been lacking direction for a long time, my mental health has affected what I can do on a daily basis. My crippling anxiety prevents me from even contemplating filling out a job application and I've always known that life in an office would never be for me. My head frequently tells me that I'm lazy although I know that I don't truly believe that. At the age of 24 being out of the education system with support on career advice and people assisting you towards a particular direction, I've felt lost. I have various interests and hobbies but can any of those become a career? Would I even be able to consistently do something without falling out of love with it? It has happened before back when I was on track to heading off to study art only to realise that I wasn't enjoying churning out artwork for good grades and the approval of certain people.

There is always the option of going to see a careers adviser or life coach if you need a change of pace or direction in life. It's always worth keeping in mind that it is never too late to start a new career, hobby or passion. It will take a lot of work, time and patience but if it will bring happiness it's certainly worthwhile. I started looking into clairvoyants after watching 'Holywood Medium with Tyler Henry', something which was initially just another trashy TV programme; part of my self care routine. I became engrossed in the episodes as I saw how he was genuinely connecting with loved ones that had passed on, he was receiving information that he could never have obtained via Google and he also made predictions on the clients futures which were spot on too. Whilst I'd love to be able to connect with lost loved ones, I knew that getting my life on track was the main priority. Mediums are able to connect with the deceased whereas clairvoyants are able to address future concerns. I like to think that I'm an open minded person, but sometimes it can be difficult when you hear of con artists or when the people around you are sceptical. I set up my first appointment and said that I was going to see a life coach, partially truthful as they were going to advise me on areas to pursue or concerns to address. Of course I'd still recommend that you give someone the address of where you're heading to if it is a private address to be on the safe side even if you have thoroughly done your research on who you're meeting with.

I went into my appointment with an open mind but decided to keep be as vague as possible when asked questions as I wanted the experience to be as authentic as possible. She could sense how anxious I was so we started the session with a 'spiritual cleansing' I was asked to hold onto a crystal and close my eyes as she communicated with the spirit guides, it was an incredibly calming experience and my entire scalp went tingly with vibrations. Once this was done I felt much more relaxed for the remainder of the session as we progress to the reading. I was asked to select 10 or 12 tarot cards which were spread face down across the table, strangely I felt certain ones caught my attention more than others. Without saying a word to her she revealed the cards and would see how certain relationships in my life were good or strained, she described characteristics of my partner to 't', she could see that I didn't have a conventional job but had talents in creative areas, she tapped into my writing a book that could be beneficial to others 'like me' which she followed up with by saying that she thought I had struggles with anxiety and depression as she could see darkness and isolation throughout the cards I was selecting. She somehow knew all of these things and many more without me ever supplying information beyond a nod of the head or a 'yes' here and there. I was in awe. It provided me with reassurance on what I was doing and also indicated that the summer would be difficult for me but that I'd come through it OK. She also predicted some big changes in my relationship which may transpire towards the end of next year. I have no idea what that would be but I'm interested to see if it happens!

Since that session in April I felt a lot better about where I was heading, however I then decided to start coming off my anti-depressants which affected how I felt about everything. I've just come back from having my second session with her and once again have a good outlook on life. She strongly encouraged that I get back to working on my book, return to blogging and maintain my Youtube channel (something which I hadn't told her before). If you are sceptical, know that all she knows about me is my first name and my phone number so we can set up appointments. I'm still astonished by the experience. It's not something that I'd do regularly like acupuncture but I'd definitely consider going to see her if I need advice or guidance in the future.

I felt like I needed reassurance from someone impartial. Praise and assurances that people see big things in my future don't really lift me up, even if I hear it from a friend or family member. I struggle to believe that I can achieve anything, yet seeing a complete stranger and hearing their view gave me the boost I needed at that time. 

 It is important to know that you should never jump the gun on life decisions based only upon what a clairvoyant has told you, readings are for guidance purposes and clients are advised to use their own judgement.

If you have any questions about my experience or would like to know the details of my clairvoyant based in Surrey then please let me know.

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Progress Report

Example of mood tracker using bullet journal system, photo from Pinterest.

As promised at the end of my last post, this week I will be discussing how I track my progress. Around the turn of the new year I was seeing a lot of blog posts and Instagrams about bullet journals. I'm aware that the concept has been around for a while but it seems to have taken off recently. If you search for 'bullet journals' on Pinterest you'll see dozens of beautifully illustrated pages that have been painstakingly planned ahead of time. People go to town on their journals using various pens, fonts, doodles and numbering the pages. Despite being a creative person myself, I couldn't get my head around spending hours on setting up the structure of the journal. I respond best to simple plans with some kind of easy to read visual scheme, which is exactly what I created for myself. I decided to take the general concept of the bullet journal; using a dot paged journal and creating a code to easily decipher progress in various topics.

My main areas that I wanted to track included my mood, quality of sleep and daily activities in terms of fitness. Each page contains a view of the entire year ahead, each square represents a day and is coloured in at the end of day according to how it went, whether I had insomnia and how active I was. Over time I can see patterns emerging such as how my activity levels drop if I've had a period of insomnia or a number of low days in a row. I decided to also created a two page view of each month to show how many steps I was wracking up and summarising what I got up to each day. I have to make a note of what I've been up to as my short term memory is terrible. If I forget to sit down and fill the pages in, I really struggle to think back on what I did a few days ago. For the step count pages I've been writing down the numbers provided by my Fitbit. At the end of each month I total up the steps and compare how well I've done against previous months. So far the total monthly step count has increased each month which is brilliant.

Using this type of journal has been a great way for me to track my progress. It also shows how well I'm doing in terms of meeting my fitness goals. I've always known that I experience a particularly bad period of insomnia each month and this has helped to outline when it happens. I love that I can see so much information from month to month on one page. I also find these tables a great way of keeping track of various chores I need to keep on top of such as when did I last change the bedding or clean the bathroom as well as things like when I last gave the pets their flea treatments or whether it's time I changed my toothbrush! I definitely recommend giving it a go, it isn't too late to set one up either!

  

Uphill Struggle

This time of year is particularly difficult for those with depression. January went by all too quickly as did February. I was willing myself to really kick start my 'health kick' all the while feeling incredibly down, exhausted and hopeless. This desire to feel fit and healthy isn't a new year fad, it is a constant desire to be the best version of myself for me. I'm not doing it for anyone else, I'm not attempting to meet anyone elses standards or views of the 'ideal' body. I just want to like what I see reflected back at me, I don't want to feel the pinch of too skinny jeans, I don't want the constant reminder that I'm slightly unfit as I can't catch my breath as I walk up a steep hill. Long ago I mastered the wrong ways of losing weight. I was thinner, I weighed less but I felt awful.

For the past few weeks I've been walking as much as I can. It's alarming to see how little I moved when I was really depressed. I walked my dog as much as I could, others subbed in for me when I was particularly tearful. Other than that my movements were limited to going back and forth between my bed, the bathroom, the kitchen and occasionally venturing out for a food shop with someone. A weekly trip to Waitrose (any other supermarket works just as well) really racked up the daily step count! Nowadays if my step count is lagging a bit I'll go off to ASDA because it's HUGE and pace up and down every aisle, even the ones I don't need to go along, just to push towards my step count. Most people can achieve the daily recommended 10,000 steps fairly easily if they work in the big city or are generally on their feet for most of the day. For me it is one of the achievements that I need to remember and hold on to when I am feeling useless and worthless. The small goals soon add up and as time goes by you'll forget when you last felt out of breath. Despite my good intentions, depression can still get to me, infiltrate my goals and set me way back along my line of progress.

The photo above depicts one of my greatest achievements last year. Surprisingly not mastering how to ski. I tried, I really put every ounce of effort in that I could muster. That doesn't mean that I will never try again. I hope I will. That trip was almost a disaster for me. I didn't feel like I deserved to be there, I failed at skiing therefor I didn't deserve to eat the lovely food or go out to beautiful places with everyone else. My subconscious was punishing me further when I had already been kicked down. I've recently realised that my subconscious frequently meddles with my thoughts.  Any compliment I receive is immediately squashed in my mind, declarations of love are translated into pity, even my own ambitions of losing weight and exercising more are stomped on by the voice telling me "there's no point, you'll always be chubby". It will take me a long time to reprogramme my subconscious, it has been polluted by anxiety and voices that really did tell me I was useless, fat, undesirable, the second choice and first to lose. I'm doing my best to stay on track by creating motivation boards displaying the things I really want to achieve, words reminding me what I enjoy doing, reminders of what I regret not doing during the days I feel down. I've also drawn up the next few months so I can see when we have social events coming up, my motivation to keep doing something physical each day so I feel comfortable and possibly confident when I have to dress up. I'm not going to let another summer come and go by with me feeling uncomfortable in summer clothing, feeling ashamed as my thighs chafe after being liberated from jeans only to feel super uncomfortable in shorts and dresses. Fingers crossed these thoughts carry me through the bad days. I just completed a 30 day squat challenge, I can't say that I've ever done 1,900 squats before! It felt great and after a rest day I will be progressing to level 2 of the squat challenge and adding a abdominal challenge into the mix too!

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Motivation and Small Victories

For a long time I wasn't able to see the progress I was making in my recovery. It required a lot of energy, effort and mental soundness for me to even leave the house. I'd go out to walk my dog in a beautiful wooded area, I was ready to fill my lungs with fresh air to blow through the cobwebs that had accumulated over many months. Despite the seemingly serene picture I've painted for you, I'd feel overwhelmbed by the wind catching the leaves, the creeks of the trees and the dizzying green canopy that threatened to fall down on my head. I'd somehow begin to feel claustrophobic in the most natural, open spaces.

Despite those suffocating moments threatening to jeopardise any progress I was making, I eventually managed to see that I was achieving things. They were small steps, perhaps not monumental victories but they all accumulate towards feeling better. Not long ago I would have been consumed by what seemed like a failed outing and would have trudged upstairs, drawn the curtains and shut myself vements away for hours, sometimes days. Now I can see that I managed the following: I left the house, I may have driven to the National Trust site for the walk, I took my dog on a walk, I walked a fair distance after being static on the sofa for months on end. It's easy for these things to be overlooked. For most people they are seemingly easy actions and sound like a pretty uneventful day. For those with mental illness they can be the biggest achievements you've noticed for a long time.

There was a time when I had a sticker chart to reward actions like having a shower, getting properly dressed or putting on a fresh set of pyjamas. To some that might sound pathetic. Screw those people. I needed that sticker chart in those days, and I still do. Despite being able to achieve solo dog walks, driving somewhere without having planned the trip in every detail the day beforehand or even managing to kickstart my exercise routines, there are still days when I fall down and feel as if I'm a nobody, that my life is meaningless and that I'm a massive nuisance and liability to all those in my life.

I've become a HUGE fan of the 30 day habit cards made by the same people that produce the Happiness Planners. I started off with small goals such as eating breakfast every day, I was pretty bad at feeding myself for a long time! If I jumped to setting myself goals that were too big I could definitely tell, there would be days between me earning a sticker on the chart and that was an easy indicator that I wasn't ready to be pushing myself that hard yet. I've since managed to maintain a regular chart for exercising. 6 months ago I would have struggled to workout once a week. Since March I've been exercising up to 5 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes twice a day! I always make a note of my start date on the habit cards so I can see how quickly I filled up the cards. Upon completion of each habit card I will keep them as a record for me to look back on, a nice reminder to have as your collection grows as you make progress and also a reminder of how much you are capable of achieving if you have another down period. The 30 Day Habit cards are availbale here.  If you are a new customer of the website you can get 10% off your first purchase!

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Fading Fitness

Depression takes over the mind and the body. The invasion begins in the mind, it takes away all of the joy we once felt for life, our favourite hobbies and interests fall down around our feet and we skirt past them. In the days that I felt marginally better I longed for ways to maintain the high. I ate all the wrong things, I'd gorge myself on sugary things to get that sweet hit only to end up feeling terrible about my body image. The low moods made it difficult for me to leave the house let alone exercise on a regular basis.
Since then I've managed to introduce some simple habits in my everyday life such as getting up at the same time each day, taking Toby for a long walk or completing some kind of housework. Ultimately I wanted to feel like I had achieved something at the end of the day. It took me a long time to stop comparing my day to those of others who went out to work in the city each day. The things I do, I do for them and it enables them to come home and feel at ease or so they have a weekend free of housework chores. I've finally started to feel like I have a purpose.

I've been afraid of failure for as long as I can remember, be it exams, losing a friendship or falling of the waggon whilst on a healthy eating kick. Whilst I was at university I attempted to do something to improve my fitness. I started running in the evenings which helped for a while. I could only go when it was really late, in near darkness and when there were very few people around due to my anxiety about other people seeing me. It helped for a while until I started getting excruciatingly painful shin splints.

My pursuit of feeling fit, healthy and a bit lighter has followed my rising and falling moods. Doctors love to remind patients that exercise can help alleviate symptoms of depression. Unfortunately it isn't always that easy, it requires the right conditions. I never felt able to walk into a gym, I was too self conscious and knew that all the effort I should be exerting on the machines would be spent feeling anxious. Instead, I opted for an at home exercise plan. Insomnia and Teleshopping make for fantastic partners, or rather money robbing crooks! I'd be sucked into the paid for adverts displaying some fitness models and some real life examples of people using some fitness equipment or following a DVD and getting great results. I'd be convinced within 15 minutes of the 30 minute segment.

Unfortunately I learnt the hard, and expensive way that you can't jump from not exercising in years to attempting a full on, intense exercise program. I understand that some people are the exception, that they can achieve amazing results through commitment and determination. Sometimes there are those who have other factors working against us. As much as I wanted to feel and look better I struggled to get past the warm up routine for some of the programs I attempted. Slightly disheartening. It left me in a sweaty mess debating whether to sit down in the shower or just collapse onto the bed. The key is to start at a low level, reduce your expectations, save time and heartache by choosing a lighter workout plan. I like DVDs that work through different levels allowing me to progress to a higher intensity when I'm ready. Even if they say you should graduate to the next level after 10 days, only do it if you're body feels ready. I often get anxious about progressing to level 2, I worry that I'll struggle with the new moves and that a slip will send me into a spiral that causes me to stop exercising for a week or more...putting me back to feeling unfit. Panic not, watch the next level over and over until you understand how to do the moves, even take the time to practise them at a slower pace to familiarise yourself with them.

To summarise, my top tips are:

• take your time to feel ready to exercise again
• don't pursue an intensive exercise plan if you haven't worked out in a long time
• as excited as you may be to feel ready to get active again don't set yourself up for a fall by pushing yourself beyond your capabilities
• developing fitness and stamina takes time, you'll soon be breezing through work-out moves that you initially found challenging 
•  move up the levels as and when you feel ready, listen to your body and don't be disheartened if you see others making progress faster than you, you haven't seen their journey to that point, it probably took them a long time too!
• feeling that rush of endorphins after exercising isn't always the norm. Doctors often talk about it as being fantastic for combating depression but I rarely feel the hormonal rush they describe. 
• focus on how you feel after the workout regardless of endorphins! You finished it, WELL DONE! You are a magnificent sweaty beast. You are slowly but surely kicking your depression to the curb. Your body might ache the next day but we all know it's a satisfying feeling. Start up a sticker chart or tick chart for each time you workout, it soon builds up and gives you an extra boost if you feel like you aren't getting anywhere.

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When I Grow Up

There's a funny smell and a constant tickling sensation in my nose...

I've broken free of the template, I'm no longer ticking my way through life's objectives of passing through various levels of education, seeking an internship, graduating and getting a 'proper grown up job'. I've found myself singing to my own tune, driving along my racing line and cooking without a recipe. I don't have any secure plans for my future, I'm engaged but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a wife any time soon. We're creating a life along our own time-line, making decisions when problems or opportunities arise. I seem to have a discussion with various individuals every couple of months or so, it sounds something like this: I grew up a certain way, I lived with two supportive and extremely hard working parents who wanted the best for my brother and I. I'd say that I come from a working class background, I know how to 'muck in' and I know what hard work looks and feels like. I've always seen myself having an alternative type of career, I'm not seeking the mega money pay cheques and I don't want to live to work. I choose to work to live my life. Or at least that's the idea. I used to see myself working in a creative role. From a young age I wanted to be an artist, I'd draw until my pencils were teeny stubs and until my felt tips were exhausted and could only wheeze out ghostly bits of ink onto a page. However, as I grew up I realised how hard it would be to live in that way, it would be hard to carry out an independent life if I couldn't sell artwork to pay the bills. I've always said that the Foundation Art and Design course felt alien to me, spending hours cutting up bits for a random collage and using up an entire biro for a doodle didn't feel like art to me- the teachers loved it! When I looked around at the other students there, they seemed so enthusiastic, they looked the part and seemed to live and breathe art. I didn't feel like I wanted it enough, so how could I be an artist? I can remember being quite smug when I sat in the library revising for A levels, I only had to worry about getting fairly decent grades for the Foundation course whereas my friends were fretting about UCAS points and conditional university offers. I never foresaw ending up at university. I'm glad I did, I don't regret any decision I've made so far as its got me to this point in my life. I may be weighed down by depression and anxiety sometimes but it isn't constant, I do have a very good life. I'm incredibly fortunate for what I have and that I'm in the position where I can take the time to heal myself after a lot of years of (self) neglect.

Its got to the time of year where I'm becoming surrounded by people that are heading off to 'grown up jobs', they're graduating as undergraduates or finishing PHDs, heading off on summer internships or starting their year in the workplace. Of course its an exciting time for them and I'm happy for their successes. However, its quite unsettling for me. Once again I will have the conversation about where I am in life. I'm hanging out in 'gap year' limbo, I'm focusing on my health, fitness and happiness. I'm making rugs, writing, rearing a puppy, growing sunflowers and entertaining a hamster. I belittle those things, when I compare my position to others. Ask me any other day and I'll be proud of those achievements, seriously check out my sunflower plants, look at the stem on that beasty! But the doubts do creep in and I do find myself asking whether its OK if I end up being a housewife or if I never have a stable career. The answer is always 'yes' and that the support will be there. I've started to realise that perhaps I'm the one that has a problem with it. Why should I be able to have a cushy life? But the sociologist, and feminist in me says that it will still be hard, staying at home isn't easy and there has to be someone to fill the creative roles in the world. I'm struggling to make the transition in my mind, I've gone from living with two hard working role models and believing that I'd live the same way, to considering a very different lifestyle. Neither choice is bad, some of us need more structure in our lives whilst others prefer to be able to drift towards a more unstable but free lifestyle, go where the mood takes them and accept any exciting and interesting opportunity that comes their way. Whichever way I end up living, I'll never see money as a measure of success, happiness on the other hand...