Doctor, Doctor

Deer in the headlights pictured above.

Last week I was left feeling incredibly shaken and well, feeling like a deer in the headlights. I'd had a very bad encounter with my GP, someone whom I believed had my best interests in mind, perhaps they still do but that particular appointment left me feeling downtrodden and hopeless. Its extremely difficult for me to even schedule an appointment as I have no idea how I'll feel by the time it comes around, and social anxiety cripples me with fear to the point I'm unable to actually ring up the surgery myself. This appointment was supposed to just be a check up after coming off one of my medications. However, it turned into more of a confrontation and altogether unpleasant experience. 

Having had depression for the past 6 years now, I definitely know how bad life can feel, at times I've felt completely hopeless and naturally questioned why this was happening to me. Perhaps I'll never understand why I get so down, so frequently. However, I can attempt to climb out of the darkness. This is what I've been trying to do, and because I left it so long before seeking help it is making it all the more difficult to escape this depression. Unfortunately I can't just slap on a smile, pick up my slumped shoulders and skip merrily on through life, that would be living a lie and naively running away from my problems, eventually I'd hit a wall again and be back to square one. I'm aware that recovering from this is going to take time, time which I've set aside for myself this year by leaving university to focus on my health and wellbeing. After-all, what would the point be in working towards a future at university when I can't even see myself getting past tomorrow. Taking things day by day is the way I have to live right now, which can be incredibly frustrating when I see what those around me are achieving whilst I wait in the wings. 

My GP seemed adamant to tackle my entire future in that appointment, something which is next to impossible for most people let alone someone who has previously been suicidal and gets anxious about the next trip to Sainsburys let alone contemplating my life plan. I have no plan, thats fine by me. Everything I've done so far in life hasn't been set on a straight course towards something, I've detoured along the way so why should I suddenly alter that. Of course I do have concerns about what I'll be able to do with my life, some people seem to know exactly what they want from life and naturally slot into a role. For someone that breaks out into a sweat opening up a job application form online, it doesn't seem likely that I'll find a 'traditional job'. Ideally I'd love to be free of social anxiety, but for right now and potentially longer I must attempt to build a life for myself around my fears, doing only what is manageable for myself and not comparing my limitations to others. 'Dr Life Coach' wasn't satisfied with me just wanting to be happy eventually, he bombarded me with questions about my ambitions and interests. I offered up the idea of this blog, telling them that writing has been helping me in more ways than the counsellors or psychiatrists ever did. Not satisfied with my responses, the doctor pushed further, I remembered them saying in a previous appointment that I should be relieved that I've conquered one of life's main goals, finding a partner to spend my life with. But on that day they were very sceptical about my relationship, stating that not every lasts for ever, "well, we're engaged", I offered, the doctor shrugged and proceeded to bring up one of my biggest fears. What if it doesn't work out with him? What if you lose your mother-in-law, someone whom you confide in and have a good relationship with? To lose them both. This is something I've feared for a long time. After being bullied I was afraid to let anyone in because I was so scared of losing yet another person from my life, I didn't think I could survive another loss. 

When I got back from the appointment I laughed off what had happened. But eventually I broke down, I cried for hours and all of the fear and feelings of helplessness devoured me yet again. I wish this was the only time a doctor has done that to me, but unfortunately I have experienced a doctor even worse than this one. It pains me that there are GPs out there whom we supposedly can confide in about mental health issues, but this one tore me apart. Mental health patients like myself are already incredibly vulnerable, and it takes an enormous amount of strength and courage to go to a GP, so when we pluck that courage out of thin air only to get crushed by those we're supposed to trust, its so frustrating. I have another appointment scheduled with this doctor, I'm not sure if I will go to the appointment or perhaps write a letter to them expressing how bad they made me feel and how I think the way they spoke to me and dealt with me was unacceptable. This is something they need to hear in order to learn how to alter their approach towards depressed and anxious patients. I don't want this to happen to someone else with depression whom could be in a far worse state of mind than myself. 

I feel like I have surrounded so much of myself to various doctors, and so far very little good has come of it. And at this point I don't have much else to offer them. I know that there are other blogs out there that will share their positive experiences with readers, and I hope I'll be able to do the same someday. However, I always want to provide an honest account, and unfortunately that means addressing the flip side of doctors appointments, to fill in the gaps and ensure others are prepared for any outcome. Its not my intention to suck away any hope you have, I just want to prepare and educate people, because living with depression is a drag, but attempting to recover under impossible circumstances is even harder.