There's a funny smell and a constant tickling sensation in my nose...
I've broken free of the template, I'm no longer ticking my way through life's objectives of passing through various levels of education, seeking an internship, graduating and getting a 'proper grown up job'. I've found myself singing to my own tune, driving along my racing line and cooking without a recipe. I don't have any secure plans for my future, I'm engaged but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a wife any time soon. We're creating a life along our own time-line, making decisions when problems or opportunities arise. I seem to have a discussion with various individuals every couple of months or so, it sounds something like this: I grew up a certain way, I lived with two supportive and extremely hard working parents who wanted the best for my brother and I. I'd say that I come from a working class background, I know how to 'muck in' and I know what hard work looks and feels like. I've always seen myself having an alternative type of career, I'm not seeking the mega money pay cheques and I don't want to live to work. I choose to work to live my life. Or at least that's the idea. I used to see myself working in a creative role. From a young age I wanted to be an artist, I'd draw until my pencils were teeny stubs and until my felt tips were exhausted and could only wheeze out ghostly bits of ink onto a page. However, as I grew up I realised how hard it would be to live in that way, it would be hard to carry out an independent life if I couldn't sell artwork to pay the bills. I've always said that the Foundation Art and Design course felt alien to me, spending hours cutting up bits for a random collage and using up an entire biro for a doodle didn't feel like art to me- the teachers loved it! When I looked around at the other students there, they seemed so enthusiastic, they looked the part and seemed to live and breathe art. I didn't feel like I wanted it enough, so how could I be an artist? I can remember being quite smug when I sat in the library revising for A levels, I only had to worry about getting fairly decent grades for the Foundation course whereas my friends were fretting about UCAS points and conditional university offers. I never foresaw ending up at university. I'm glad I did, I don't regret any decision I've made so far as its got me to this point in my life. I may be weighed down by depression and anxiety sometimes but it isn't constant, I do have a very good life. I'm incredibly fortunate for what I have and that I'm in the position where I can take the time to heal myself after a lot of years of (self) neglect.
Its got to the time of year where I'm becoming surrounded by people that are heading off to 'grown up jobs', they're graduating as undergraduates or finishing PHDs, heading off on summer internships or starting their year in the workplace. Of course its an exciting time for them and I'm happy for their successes. However, its quite unsettling for me. Once again I will have the conversation about where I am in life. I'm hanging out in 'gap year' limbo, I'm focusing on my health, fitness and happiness. I'm making rugs, writing, rearing a puppy, growing sunflowers and entertaining a hamster. I belittle those things, when I compare my position to others. Ask me any other day and I'll be proud of those achievements, seriously check out my sunflower plants, look at the stem on that beasty! But the doubts do creep in and I do find myself asking whether its OK if I end up being a housewife or if I never have a stable career. The answer is always 'yes' and that the support will be there. I've started to realise that perhaps I'm the one that has a problem with it. Why should I be able to have a cushy life? But the sociologist, and feminist in me says that it will still be hard, staying at home isn't easy and there has to be someone to fill the creative roles in the world. I'm struggling to make the transition in my mind, I've gone from living with two hard working role models and believing that I'd live the same way, to considering a very different lifestyle. Neither choice is bad, some of us need more structure in our lives whilst others prefer to be able to drift towards a more unstable but free lifestyle, go where the mood takes them and accept any exciting and interesting opportunity that comes their way. Whichever way I end up living, I'll never see money as a measure of success, happiness on the other hand...
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