Cutting Loose

Yes, I'm completely crackers. Disclosure: no hairs were harmed in the production of these photos.

When I was younger I never imagined life without my closest friends by my sides. I barely remember how those friendships began, they simply just always existed. We don't tend to foresee the breakdown of friendships, sometimes people simply drift apart and move towards other groups. These transitions often feel quite natural, but at times they can be devastating and have a long lasting affect upon our lives. Over the years I've had to intentionally break off friendships. In my teenage years I drifted through various friendship groups, this was fairly pain free as I wasn't alone in those transitions. There were times when I had to break away from people as I realised some 'friends' no longer shared the same values as me. At one point someone attempted to bully me into remaining loyal to them despite them behaving in ways I didn't agree with. Those actions were the reasons I was distancing myself from them in the first place.

Sometimes bullies can be halfhearted, they strike out, the result of their own insecurities. Fortunately I was able to brush them off when I first encountered bullying. My second encounter with a bully was very different. They were manipulative, strategic and vicious. I'm often told that I ought to pity bullies, supposedly they must have some deep issues or problems at home, they seek control through bullying in their domain. At the time I didn't realise it was a form of bullying. Yes, it was verbal abuse which I associated with bullying. However, I'd never experienced or heard of psychological bullying, something which would affect me for the entirety of my young adult life. I don't hold onto any angry feelings towards those involved. Mostly I just want to know why it happened, how they could do such a thing and whether there really was something going on with them to cause the attack on me. It was a hard time for me, I isolated myself and walked away from long-standing friendships to avoid causing a 'choosing of sides'. Reflecting back upon that time, I realised that sides wouldn't have been chosen. They were all under the thumb and believed the rumours spread about me. These 'friends' ought to have known those rumours were completely out of character and could never be true. I'm not one to give myself compliments or to 'talk myself up', but I will say that I'm loyal and I care for those I know and love. We don't always anticipate change, we don't expect having to walk away from friendships.

In a way, this post is a letter to my 16 year old self, and advice to anyone experiencing similar problems currently or still allowing problems in the past to weigh upon them today. There isn't much about my 'depression story' that I'd change. However, I would have walked away sooner. You never need to change yourself for anyone. I attempted to change and adapt to please others. I used to stay out longer than I ought to at the weekend to avoid 'missing out' on the laughs, the stories and inside jokes that would be re-iterated for the next week at school. None of it made me happy. True friends don't seek to make you feel uncomfortable, they don't intentionally exclude you and if they love you for who you really are they won't try to change you. The genuine friends will stick with you throughout good and bad times. Long distances and lengthy periods spent apart won't break the bond. My true friends have emerged since I started being honest about my life, the struggles and the conditions I live with.

This post came to mind in anticipation of an upcoming trip to Durham (where I attended university). I'm aware that my friends from uni read my blog and that they're supportive of it. I'm glad that they now know how hard it was for me whilst I was there, and why I wasn't around as much in the second year when I was really struggling. I have reached out to a few of them, but its difficult to maintain contact when we have little to talk about, reaching out sometimes feels artificial. I've missed them more that they know, I cherish memories of my better days with them and value their friendships. I haven't seem most of them for well over a year, a fair amount of fear comes with that amount of time apart. Despite that, I know that the true friends will be there to catch me if I start to wobble.

Seeing Red

Last month I donated blood for the first time, something which I never thought I would be able to do for a number of reasons. I think I inherited my mum's feeling about needles (!) and developed a preference to being horizontal whenever having a blood test. However, after spending some time in and out of hospital in 2012, I had surrendered myself to endless tests and needles in a variety (ahem) of places. For some reason it never occurred to me to give blood. After talking about emergency end of life measures and organ donation with Robbie, I decided that blood donation was something I could see myself doing. At this time in my life I can't see myself registering to be an organ donor due to certain beliefs I have about what happens when we die. Perhaps these views will change with time and if I ever know someone requiring a new organ at some point in my lifetime. An unfortunate aspect of depression is that I spend most of my days feeling rather useless. I experience my symptoms to the degree that some days I'm terrified of leaving the house, the thought of filling out forms for a job or even volunteer work bring me out in a sweat and if my phone starts ringing I have to push it away from me and hide. Its quite difficult to find your purpose in life when most aspects of life bring you out in hives. The thought of becoming a blood donor made me feel useful, its something that if planned in advance I can make myself get up and out of the house for. I'm not saying I've found my purpose in life in the form of a full time blood donor (!), that's just not practical, I need some blood to fill my face up with.

When registering to become a blood donor I was suddenly struck with the panic that perhaps I couldn't help people in this way. There are still some ridiculous ideas surrounding mental illness, some people back away when they realise you have one, its not contagious! I found myself questioning whether depression affected the blood, could my illness be passed on in that way?! Obviously not, but I was having a crisis of confidence at the time. I couldn't bare the thought of giving someone this horrendous illness when they're either already unwell and in need of a blood transfusion, or unknowingly receive blood after being in a traumatic accident. It is worth baring in mind that if you have a mental illness or any illness that might require medication, you should inform someone on the donation team if you experience any side effects from taking the medications to control your condition. It is possible that these side effects could be passed on through the blood.

Overall my first time giving blood was really positive. Its very easy to register, you can make an appointment online to give blood at a local session. These sessions run fairly regularly and you shouldn't have to travel to far out of your way to donate. The give blood website provides loads of information on what to expect including a video of what to expect when you go to donate. The video in particular helped me to attend my session as I was fully prepared and roughly knew what to expect in terms of questions with a nurse, a small pin prick in the thumb for an iron test and an example of what it looks like when sitting down to give blood. They are fully aware that donors have fitted their session into their busy days, so they aim to get you into the donation chair within 20 minutes of you signing in. Obviously certain times may be busy when sessions have walk in donors as well as those with appointments. There may also be a longer wait if someone has trouble giving blood or if the world starts to go sideways when they move you up from the horizontal position to sitting upright, i.e. ME! If the latter happens to you, don't worry at all, just be honest with the nurse and they will tip you upside down like a bat and may even tend to you with a nice sweet drink and a straw! Most people have no problems donating, but I did see a few people with their feet in the air when I walked in for my appointment! You can find out everything you need to know about donating and registering to donate blood in the UK here. It is a very worthwhile and easy thing to do. It's easy to forget where blood comes from in an emergency, there isn't an endless store of it somewhere. Blood donation doesn't discriminate against gender, ethnicity, age, religion or sexual orientation and preference, at some point in our lives it's possible that we or someone we love could need a transfusion, you could well have the rare blood type needed in an emergency situation. It's a really worthwhile thing to do, plus you get stickers to declare to the world "I'm a badass, I donated blood today"...OK perhaps that's my suggestion for a sticker, but they did have one saying "be kind to me, I donated blood today". Perhaps I could start a range of stickers and badges for people with anxiety and depression...

Keep Calm, Carry On

I have previously mentioned that I have had panic attacks in the past. I always intended to do a post covering panic attacks, having a handful of them recently has prompted me to write on the topic. I first experienced a panic attack when I was in sixth form. I'd just started there and had gone from a school with around six hundred students, to well over a thousand. I tended to avoid the over-crowded areas due to my fear of large crowds and the noise they tend to produce. However, some times I couldn't avoid passing through such areas in order to get to certain classrooms, if I had the time I would go the longer way, but at times this wasn't possible. I remember dodging in and out of the crowds in the atrium, pushing my way through and faintly saying "excuse me". I was getting worked up over the amount of people, the amount of eyes on me, feeling awkward, the loud music and conversations and my fear of being late to class which would induce the next load of anxieties. I felt flustered, incredibly warm despite only wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I made a break for the nearest toilets, and looking in the mirror I saw the red faced, clammy, panting reflection of someone that looked like they had run 10 miles rather than a hundred feet or so. I felt the gazes of other girls present so I hurried off into a toilet cubicle. I simply couldn't catch my breath, I constantly blotted my face with toilet paper, sweat was running down my back and my hair was glued to my face from the wetness of my forehead. My first thoughts were that perhaps I was getting a fever, maybe an asthma attack could explain the shortness of breath. And then a pain struck me in the chest, I felt winded as it doubled me over. Nowadays I often say "I feel like I've been hit by a bus today" whenever I feel extremely fatigued with heavy limbs despite only just getting up from bed. The pain felt like someone sitting on my chest and I could hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears. I was convinced I was having a heart attack at the age of sixteen/seventeen.

It took me a long time to discover that I had experienced a panic attack. It was all induced by the loud, hectic environment I was passing through. I soon learnt to leave places ten minutes early so I could take the quieter staircases and long twisty corridors to get to my next lesson. I've learnt to avoid the situations that have triggered panic attacks in the past. If I can feel one coming on, if my mind is restless and I can't fix my eyes on one thing for more than a few seconds, I know that I need to remove myself from the situation and find a quieter spot. Its a very frustrating thing to go through, just when you think you've isolated all of the causes of your panic attacks, something will come out of the blue to trip you up. Sometimes I realise I'm having a panic attack or one is imminent but I'm in a busy area with no clear places for me to duck into and escape. I end up walking with a far away destination in mind such as the car parked in the multi storey car park. It feels like I'm walking whilst being under water, when you've dived under the water's surface and can feel the breath in your lungs starting to escape from you, your head suddenly starts to feel full and heavy from the pressure of being deep underwater. Not a sensation you want to feel whilst walking for 15 minutes until you are safely inside the car wheezing in and out, with jittery knees and feeling unsure as to whether you're about to projectile vomit into the windshield or burst into tears. Fortunately I seem to be a crier, although I do often feel sick throughout and for a long time after having a panic attack. As always I do not intend to scare, I just want to educate people on what its like so people can either realise that's what they're going through too or so friends and family, or even passing strangers may be able to help someone experiencing one in public. I do love a good list, so below I have provided my 'cheat sheet' to helping someone having a panic attack.

1. Don't ask if they are OK, its quite obvious they aren't.
2. Its tempting to bombard the person with questions, but its likely they will be unable to answer you and they probably need some quiet to focus on their breathing and calm down.
3. Do not flap about or tell them to calm down. Annoying!
4. If they seem to be hyperventilating/can't catch their breath for a long time, gently suggest deep calming breaths and do this alongside them.
5. Once they seem to be doing better offer some water, a tissue (sweat, tears and snot are a delightful combination), some kind of snack if they can manage it, somewhere quiet to sit down. 
6. Ask if they need help getting somewhere they would be more comfortable.
7. Ask if there is anyone you can call/text for them.
8. For future reference, and if they are comfortable discussing it, ask them what would help them the most if they have a panic attack again and you are present. 
9. Help them avoid the situations that induce their panic attacks, forethought and a small amount of planning in advance goes a long way.
10. Encourage them to take a 'survival kit' with them when going out i.e. water, tissues, an emergency snack.

I am by no means an expert of this matter. I still have slip ups, silly moments when I should have realised I could be prone to having an attack. Only a few weeks ago I had an attack in the car as we drove by one of two car parks at a place where we walk our dog. I saw that the first car park was heaving. It was a bloody bank holiday Monday and the sun was out. Of course people would spend it outside with their family, friends and dogs. And although I knew there were areas we could walk to avoid clustered spots, I couldn't get out of the car. I had even considered the fact that it was a bank holiday, the weather was nice and that the walking spot is popular before we left the house. For some reason I failed to raise my hand and say BAD IDEA can we please go to somewhere quieter. Oops. No one is a pro at panic attacks, why would you even want to be?!

Feeling Blue

 I'm lacking the height of an Avatar.

Do you remember the days of over-evaluating poems and literature in English lessons at school? Most of us accept the words in front of us for what they are, but sometimes we had to delve deeper to find the true meaning behind the author's words. "The room was blue", so apparently this means the author or poet was in dispair or sad at the time of writing the piece, or perhaps the room was just BLUE and they were setting the bloody scene! Colours seem to be used to describe certain feelings and emotions; red with anger, green with envy and blue with sorrow. 'Feeling blue' is actually listed under the NHS definitions/symptoms of depression, a fairly limiting description of how it really feels to be depressed. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw a video campaign discussing depression in the doctor's waiting room. It started off well enough, providing the statistic that 1 in 5 people will experience depression at some period in their lifespan. They proceded to highlight the depressed people in the advert by tinting their images in blue. Yes, its that easy to identify those living with depression, we all have a blue tint in our skintone. To any outsiders Robbie and I probably looked very unsympathetic towards the advert and the illness it depicted. I'm thrilled that these adverts are put up in doctors surgeries, it may be the difference between a patient going in to see their doctor to finally discuss their mental health concerns or they, like myself, may go in and end up discussing some other minor ailment. In a way its great that I can now laugh at these attempts to address mental health conditions, it means that I've slightly moved away from feeling incredibly uncomfortable in a waiting room. It also shows me that perhaps those who are dealing with mental health conditions may be able to help with the production of these adverts and posters, to ensure that they speak in the correct way  to those who need them most. If only it were so easy to identify, if I'd developed a blue tint to my skin all those years ago perhaps someone would have jumped at the chance to help me as it would have been SO clear that I was depressed. I mean well with this post, I'm making fun of all those people that have said THE most unhelpful things about my illness.

Looking at the 'blue' feeling from a different side, this word doesn't have to be associated with sadness, desperation, low moods and depression. I've recently started attending yoga sessions as a way of reintroducing some activity into my life, to improve my fitness and also as a way of relaxing. At the end of each session we have a 'body check' and relaxation period laying down on our mats. We're encouraged to allow our legs to flop in whichever way they feel natural, and also to stretch out our arms. From an aerial view I probably look like a fly that's been swatted against the ground. Somehow I'm talked into a very relaxing state, not quite to the point of being asleep, but in a way that I feel both inside and out of my body. Our instructor started talking about feeling blue, "eh?!" I'd gone to escape that for a bit. However, she continued to talk about a blue aura, a feeling of peace, of refreshing waves washing over our bodies to cleanse us and to feel anew. A total flip side of the usual use of the phrase 'feeling blue'. I left the session feeling thoroughly worked out, rather sore in places, but also feeling very relaxed and peaceful.