Birthday Bumps

Everyone experienced the school time ritual of birthday bumps, right? I'm not really referring to those kind of birthday bumps today. Yesterday I turned 23. I still can't quite believe it. Depression has cast a hazy veil across the past couple of years, I can't really remember my last few birthdays. I've actually had a poor reputation of enjoying and celebrating birthdays since I was 16. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts, the company or the birthday parties (or lack thereof because of me). At the age of 16 I realised who my true friends were as we were having a birthday dinner. At 18 I failed my driving test on my birthday (such a bad idea) and didn't want to show my face at sixth form. When I was turning 19 I was in the cinema clutching onto a hot water bottle due to post-op pain. Whilst I was at university I turned 20 and had my first birthday experience of going 'out, out' surrounded by some amazing people. When I turned 21 I had bright pink hair and was more concerned with everyone else having a good time and at 22...I struggle to remember. That year I wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I was feeling incredibly down, self conscious and really didn't want a fuss made of me, the heat would come to my cheeks and anxiety would sit in my stomach and knotted up in my throat as I unwrapped presents.

This year, something clicked in my head. I could make this day enjoyable by having a good time with those around me. I can try to make the day good by controlling as many of the conditions as possible. But I also had to remember that it was just like any other day. It's OK if things don't go to plan, we can't control everything. Depression knows no bounds. Depression doesn't care if it's Christmas, your birthday, someones wedding or whatever other significant event there is. Depression does not discriminate by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, age or class. Depression doesn't subside for whatever is going on in our lives, we can't pick and choose when it affects us. We can do our best, we can push ourselves and prepare as much as we can to delay symptoms and attempt to reduce anxieties. Just remember that we all have a limit, don't push or be pushed too hard because that won't be helpful for anyone.


I'm glad to see that I've made progress. I celebrated my birthday, something which might seem easy to most people. To me that is colossal progress. I went out during the day, twice! I went to busy places, but I made sure we went at times when it might not be too busy and I chose places where I'd feel slightly more comfortable. It can be hard to speak up and take control, but if it gives you a better chance of enjoying a day out or a special occasion, then making your voice heard is worthwhile.

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Book Review vol. 1

As I mentioned before Christmas I was planning on writing some book reviews. I have a stack of books surrounding topics of depression, social anxiety, shyness, introverts and perhaps surprisingly...tidying!

The first edition of these book reviews is on the book that was a sensation in 2015 'The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying' by Marie Kondo. You might wonder how this book comes into relation to mental health. I happen to experience extreme anxiety when it comes to clutter. Unfortunately this anxiety conflicts with my nature of being a bit of a hoarder. I'm terrible when it comes to magazines, magazine cuttings, books, beauty samples and products and clothes. I've previously mentioned on the blog that I experience IBS which causes severe bloating. Due to this I have a range of sizes in clothing. It makes me anxious knowing I have clothing stored under the bed! As much as I try to tidy my space, it soon accumulates again and I'll end up sitting amongst things feeling overwhelmed.

Marie Kondo spent much of her childhood fascinated with housekeeping magazines. She was constantly tidying the cupboards in her family home, and this even extended into tidying up her classroom during break time at school! She soon realised that the 'storage solutions' promoted in magazines actually made the problem worse. We're a part of a mass consumer society, we most likely have far more than we really need. I'm sure you have things tucked away in the back of draws and cupboards that you had long forgotten about. Perhaps you'll be happy to rediscover such treasures, but it's more likely that those things are just taking up space. The 'Konmari' method centres around the process of bringing all of your possessions together from different categories. You start with clothing as this is the easiest area to start with, whereas trinkets, photos and heirlooms are more difficult to part with. It's likely that we have clothing dotted around in various rooms of the house, so it's important to bring them all into one space. The process of being confronted with the volume of clothes you own should by itself flag up a problem. We own too much! We have one body each, I'm guilty of stocking up on my favourite pair of jeans in case they get stained, ripped or worn until they are thread-bare. I've realised that process doesn't help. I end up wearing them all to the point where they are all looking well loved and in need of replacing.

The Konmari method encourages us to spend time touching, looking and feeling our belongings and asking one question "does this bring me joy?". The answer may come to you quickly. Sometimes it might take longer and we'll end up with a pile of 'maybes'. We usually hold onto things due to memories, because they were from our childhood or because they were gifted to us.

I was sceptical about this book at first, the process of holding belongings and asking yourself if they are loved or neglected and could be cherished elsewhere is a slightly strange process. Well, I ended up devouring this book in 2 days. I'm a convert! I seem to tidy up at least once a month. I'll get the bin bags out, turn up the music and blitz my room. I'll end up with several bags full of rubbish, yet I feel like there is still clutter surrounding me and it clogs up my mind too. When adopting this method, the aim is to undertake your tidying in one hit. This doesn't mean in one day, it could day between a few days to a maximum of 6 months if you are tackling an entire house full of clutter! I'm focusing my efforts on the bedroom and office. I find I can't relax in the bedroom due to clutter and I get distracted in the office and I'm unable to start the projects I want to do because of limited space and a lack of organisation in the room.

There are plenty of reviews for this book online. Most accept the method. Some people have problems with it because they feel it's too severe, that they will end up throwing away things and regret it later. I think you can follow this to a 'T' or take and leave the bits you want to. For instance there is an advised list of areas to work through. I've already strayed from this as I'm almost pre-tidying various bits of rubbish, boxes from Christmas deliveries etc. before I start tackling belongings I've had for a while. I'm hoping that I'll end up with two well organised rooms, places that I find relaxing but can also work in when I need to. Kondo's belief is that when there clutter in a room our thoughts are often directed to the mess. When you remove the mess you are left with your thoughts and anxieties that you've been avoiding for a while. There are also reports of people looking better physically, taking control of their lives in other ways. Also, removing clutter from a room and whipping around a room allows the settled dust to move, air to circulate and fresh air to come in- all of which can benefit the skin, bonus!

I'd give this book a 4/5. It's really easy to read. If you aren't interested in the approach as a whole you can skip to sections that appeal to you most e.g. organising your sock draws or desks.

I've included a photo of how many pages I've turned down to give you guys an idea of how useful I found this book. I'll be doing the same for every book review I post in the future.

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New Me

I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions. I'd occasionally think to myself "this year I'll lose weight" or "this year I'll eat healthier". They never really worked out, maybe because January is my birthday month and why wouldn't I indulge a bit more. Perhaps it's because my heart is never really in it. I don't think it's the best idea to take on resolutions whilst living with depression. That's my personal preference and opinion of course, but allow me to explain why I think that way.

You can have periods of depression that last for weeks or months. I can go to bed feeling OK, I might have plans for the next day, I might be feeling hopeful about my long-term future. Then I can wake up the next morning feeling like the world has fallen out beneath me. It happens in any pattern, it can happen after a week or so of feeling OK, of feeling 'fine' in terms of being depressed. I can go to bed hyperventilating, choking on my tears and holding on tightly to the bedspread as if that's the only way I can keep a grip on my life and then wake up the next day feeling better.

My point is that everything can change in an instant. What might seem like an important resolution to make in the New Year may become irrelevant when measured up against everything else going on in life. There's nothing wrong with having goals. There's also nothing wrong with taking things as they come, one day at a time. I'm trying to follow one of the principles of the AA, to take each day as it comes. They hold on to the thought of "I will not drink today". Drink, drugs, an eating disorder they all apply to the same principle. Trying to accomplish something one day at a time is more likely be a success as opposed to saying you won't drink or harm yourself for an entire year. A year can be hard to envision for anyone that is struggling in life. Take it day by day and eventually you'll be able to look back and realise you've gone a week, a month, half a year.

So maybe just go one day at a time. Even if it's just for healthy eating, having one healthy day is something you can hold on to. Slipping up or having a cheat day will feel better if you tell yourself your efforts haven't been wasted, because tomorrow is a new day with more chances to succeed.

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Comeback

Apologies for the lack of content on the blog. I was taking a working vacation over the holiday period. I was intending to resume posting this week, but due to having a rough time personally I am taking an additional week to get myself back on track. See you next week!

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