Tis The Season To Be Jolly

Seriously though, don't say that to someone with depression...it's unlikely that we'll throw a punch but the thought will occur to us. It's a hard time to be feeling low. Some people might think the festive season would be just the thing to pep us up. In a way it does and can alleviate depression for a time, not forever though. Having the people that love us around can help, it lets us know that there really are people in our corner. Can't it always be that way? Why do we wait so long to have big family gatherings or much needed group catch ups. We all need a support system, and we tend to need that all year round not just once a year.

The glowing lights, warming fires, season of generosity and love should be enough to see us through, right? Unfortunately that's not aways the case. It can also be an incredibly stressful time. Having a sudden increase in the number of people in the household, more voices, more action can leave people feeling flustered and under pressure to be 'on' at all times. I've had relatives ask me why I don't have a smile pinned to my face at all times, where is the merriment and all that. At that particular time I was a few days away from having an operation and I was also desperately trying to hide that I had a serious mental illness. Last year I was adamant that I wasn't 'doing' Christmas, recall that Christmas song "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, but I think I'll miss this one this year". I didn't feel the way I was 'supposed' to feel. We're presented with an image of how things are supposed to look at Christmas thanks to being constantly bombarded with adverts around the clock. I just didn't want to ruin it for everyone else.

I later realised that everyone struggles with the festive period in some way, and it's often the case that they hide those feelings too. What's really required is that we're simply there for one another. The other aspects, the 'magic' of Christmas are bonuses. It's also definitely not about the presents. Try not to get caught up in ideas of how much you ought to spend on someone. The best presents are always the ones with more thought behind them. It's pretty common for depressives to get into debt, especially if they find themselves being too ill to work. The trouble become all the more difficult at this time of year. Loved ones certainly won't want you to get into further difficulty for the sake of buying them something you can't afford. In this age of technology, Facebook and Instagram people have got into the habit of sharing every aspect of their lives, including products they're using and buying. It can create a false impression of wealth and followers or friends that see those posts can feel jealous or a need to meet those standards. What we don't see is how they've achieved that wealth, whether it's genuine or the result of exorbitant pay day loans, temporary fixes that usually generate more problems.

This year I have been more thoughtful that usual, it might seem more generous to some people. I've put a lot of thought into every gift. I'd recommend that's what we all attempt to do. And for those of you struggling with depression, I also advise getting artsy and crafty with your wrapping this year. Set yourself up in front of a Christmas film, or in my case the highly tense bloody drama of 'Grey's Anatomy', and create some bespoke decorations for your gifts. You don't even have to be particularly artistic to do it! I've got the brown paper out, some ink pads and stamps. Standing away monotonously works well for me, the consistency of it calms me down and allows me to focus purely on that for an hour or so. The stamping motion also works well if you're feeling frustrated stamp stamp stamp it out! Oh and that song I mentioned earlier, the final verse adapts into "Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, couldn't miss this one this year".

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. I know there is one more Wednesday before Christmas, but once again I'm taking myself off on a jolly working holiday. Here's hoping for a fantastic 2016 for all of us.

Breast Intentions

During my recent working vacation I had some breakthroughs. Most notably with my GP, if you follow this blog you may remember me referring to a particularly brutal doctor in the past. After inducing a breakdown, being too anxious to attend appointments and generally feeling beaten down by their words, I decided enough was enough. I either had to cease treatment with this doctor and find another one, something which I was reluctant to do, or address this doctor's shortcomings and failures in dealing with me. Despite talking about my mental health more than ever before, it's still very difficult for me to discuss my problems with GPs. I've been through a few doctors now, I understand that some people struggle to talk about mental health and that they might not understand it or may even dismiss depression as an illness all together. Is it so wrong to expect that your GP would be sympathetic and understanding of mental illness? I don't think so. Perhaps it's an area that's skimmed over but covered enough so they have a general understanding of mental illnesses. Either explanation is still unacceptable. 

I decided to face the problem head on, albeit through a letter. I'm not especially eloquent in person, I stumble over my words, stutter and rarely get my point across in face to face conversations. It's not as if I don't know what I want to say, I can go into a conversation having rehearsed every potential scenario in my head, stressing over the details, ifs and maybes are my forte after-all! To compensate for this I decided to write a letter to my GP explaining my thoughts on their treatment towards me. Essentially, several comments were made on my personal life and how I choose to address and treat my mental health conditions. If I couldn't proceed with any further appointments with them I at least hoped to highlight ways they could alter their behaviour for any other patients they might have with depression. Fortunately they responded well, and we've agreed to continue our doctor-patient relationship. I could have easily rolled over on these issues, I could have allowed them to believe that I'm a particularly sensitive individual and that they need to treat me accordingly. This doctor does have a fairly forceful nature in the hopes that they can push patients towards getting better. I know that they have made a real effort to understand every aspect of my life, they've accepted that for now I do not wish to seek the help of a counsellor.

I wasn't sure how they'd react to my letter, before I received their response I was convinced that I was going to have to search for another doctor. Fortunately bridges hadn't been burned. At the end of the letter I decided to address something I'd been too nervous to discuss in an appointment. The addition of which turned the one page letter into a three page essay! It's something that I have previously discussed with other doctors only to be shot down with their personal opinions. During the height of the bullying I experienced, I turned to food for comfort and up until that point I'd never really understood the term 'comfort eating'. I suppose I just felt some immediate satisfaction and happiness after each forkful of cake, cheesecake or whatever else I was sneakily shovelling in after school. This routine soon took it's toll on my body, and without realising I had become 2 stone heavier and had gone from a B cup to probably around an F cup. I was mortified, I didn't want to have my breasts measured properly to reveal the true extent of how big I was. I received even more attention and scrutiny. I was called out on by my P.E. teacher in the changing room because my sports top was now "inappropriately tight", cheers for that. I avoided P.E. lessons when our group of girls was suddenly mixed with the boys because of bad weather. At that time I favoured getting a 'no kit' mark against my name rather than bouncing on a trampoline in front of the boys and giving myself black eyes.

Six years on and not much has changed. I still avoid getting measured properly as they are still growing. I've had breakdowns in changing rooms because of them and would rather avoid crying in front of a lady with a measuring tape and enormous bras. I managed to lose most of the weight I had gained, but I never regained the confidence I once had nor the pleasure of buying and wearing clothes that made me feel good, and I certainly haven't lost the other two things I gained *ahem*. Since I was 16 years old I've wanted a breast reduction, for many many reasons. I've been told that I should be grateful for what I have, that I should flaunt it and that they really "aren't that big". I've also been told that due to being severely depressed I was "a suicide risk and it would be a waste of NHS funding", and yes that comment was made by a Doctor! GPs haven't exactly been my biggest cheerleaders on the matter. I understand that it's a slightly controversial thing to get funding for, but it's not for cosmetic purposes. My quality of life isn't what it ought to be because of how much I am limited by having a big chest. I am going to be turning 23 in January. I feel like I haven't even had a chance to feel like a young person, a young woman. During these years I haven't developed a personal style, I don't experiment with clothes or have fun with them. I simply hide my large chest and feel quite frumpy.

If you want an extensive list of all the reasons behind me wanting and needing a reduction I will happily provide it for you. I'm prepared to fight my case for this. Usually I wouldn't think I was worthy of anything, I'd think that there must be people worse off than I am. For once I'm saying "sod it, why not me?"and finally I have the support of the doctor I thought would sack me in as a patient. They are in my corner and ready to do battle with the NHS board of referrals, it might be a long battle but for me it's worth it.

Memoirs Of Depression

It might seem counter productive to read about other people's experiences of depression, particularly if they are in depth and auto-biographical. There can be triggers within the contexts which poses a threat to the recovering and well-being of readers that are depressed. However, I find them to be highly informative. I recently started browsing for books on mental health, in particular those surrounding the conditions of social anxiety and depression. I had previously been given a book of this nature before. Initially I was reluctant as I've been bombarded with studies, theories and books with contradictory claims and it just puts my head into a faster spin cycle. Sometimes it can be hard to accept help from others. Of course support is welcomed, but in most cases it is likely that the person experiencing depression has done a fair amount of research into the illness themselves.

The books I've come across vary in their approaches to the condition. Some have been written from the perspective of the psychiatrists sharing how they feel seeing patients with similar issues day after day and how that affects them. Something which could be an interesting read as a high proportion of psychiatrists have gone into their profession due to a personal experience of mental illness.

I prefer to avoid being bogged down by the science of depression. Instead I have a few books that are memoirs, in depth books providing an insight into the author's experience of depression, what worked for them and what didn't, how bad things got for them and in some cases how they escaped the dark depths of depression. I love seeing people's reactions to the cover of the book I have my nose in, the titles aren't exactly cheery so it's funny to see them recoil with wide eyes. I think it's worthwhile for anyone to read these sorts of books, you may well find yourself in a similar position one day or come across someone in your life experiencing depression. If anything, the discussion of symptoms will help you to recognise them in yourself or others. Of course certain parts of the book can be quite distressing to read, yet I find comfort in knowing that someone else knows how badly depression can pollute the mind. And I'm glad that these authors have managed to express themselves for their own benefit as well as getting their stories seen by thousands of other people.

In the coming weeks I am going to be posting short book reviews on the titles I've been reading recently. Hopefully this will act as a guide to anyone interested in reading about depression in this way. The reviews will also highlight whether sensitive issues and potential triggers such as self harm are mentioned.