In Peak Health

Somehow a year has passed since I started my 'year off' from everything. This might sound like a lazy lifestyle, but for me it was well needed and for the most part well deserved. Since I was 16 years old I put an enormous strain on my life by attempting to function normally with every day life and the stresses of education. I was doing this whilst attempting to hide that I was incredibly depressed and anxious on a daily basis. I hid my conditions from my family and friends, not due to fear of rejection or stigma, but instead due to my internal instinct to protect everyone in my life even if that's at my own expense.

Some pressure was lifted when I finally started being honest about how unwell I had become. I thought that I could still cope with the pressures of university, but the reality was that I had become reclusive, scared to leave the house and to interact with others. Despite disengaging with the social aspects of university I was still trying to keep up with my workload and attempting to teach myself an entire statistics module without the assistance of lecturers. All of those factors coupled with my declining physical health lead to a colossal breakdown and finally needing to put my hand up and ask for help.

I left university in April/June of 2014, the whole time was a bit of a mess for me so I can't recall the exact time that I left. I learnt to refer to my time out as a 'gap year'. I certainly wasn't gallivanting around the world and marvelling at new sights and experiences. Instead, I took time for myself attempting to enjoy the smaller things in life again and trying to regain some control over my mental health.

Nowadays my depression is kept at bay for the most part. I still have down days as that's part of the progress of moving towards getting better, it isn't a clean straight line to being on the up. If there was a line graph to show my progress it would show a zig zag darting up and down all over the place. The down points are often influenced by my physical health. For years now I have been plagued with physical illness in various forms. In 2013 I had an operation to remove an ovarian cyst that had grown to the size of a grapefruit, it was incredibly painful and caused me to walk along like an old woman and post-op was even more of a nightmare. Since that operation I have had IBS which is a daily inconvenience and sometimes limits how far I am willing to stray away from the house. During particularly bad flare ups it's unlikely that I will leave the house for around a week or two. I've also been prone to sinus infections since I was 15 years old. They certainly aren't your average cold, sinusitis causes an unbearable amount of pain which is barely touched by painkillers. I've spent many years attempting to convince doctors that something isn't quite right with me, my immune system, something! I get sinusitis at least five times a year, and I lose two weeks or more due to feeling so unwell. The pain is debilitating and has an enormous impact upon my mental health. I am very happy to announce that a doctor finally listened to me. After a few inspections of my nose, blood tests and a CT scan it has become apparent that I have a deviated septum which has been causing a LOT of trouble over the years.

Since I first started writing this blog post things progressed very quickly. In a very quick turn around of a couple of months, thanks to a cancellation I had the operation at the beginning of October. With the exception of a fair bit of pain, things seem to have gone well. I had my post-op check up at the weekend and the surgeon was very happ with his work. I had a lot of queries as I did get a sinus infection immediately after the surgery, unfortunately the surgeon I had doesn't have the best bedside manner and was shaking my hand and ushering me out of the door before I could ask most of my questions. I easily get overwhelmed by dominant personalities, especially those in the medical profession. Hopefully that sinus infection was the last hurrah, so fingers crossed some luck will be thrown my way and I will never get a sinus infection again. So far this year I have tackled my mental health and a few physical illnesses that have been affecting my quality of life for many years. This could be me on the up.

Wrap Me In Cotton Wool

I'm currently being reminded of just how bad and maddening depression can be to live with. This wasn't exactly the post I was hoping to publish today. My mentality with blogging is that I post what feels right at the time. I do have a lot of pieces written and scurried away to post when it seems appropriate. Most bloggers produce posts on mass and schedule them weeks in advance to relieve some of the pressures that come with producing a blog. I seem to be able to write in this way, but I like to post on the basis of whether the written material matches how I've been feeling and thinking that week. 

Unfortunately my shoddy immune system or lack thereof has been under attack since my surprisingly proactive weekend (to be commented upon in a future post). I've been plagued with sinusitis multiple times a year for a long time. Apparently I broke my nose at some point in my life, I cannot recall this ever happening, which has left me with a deviate septum. Woop woop in need of a nose job, but it's risky and could leave me with a botched nose in the centre of my noggin. I'm nowhere close to having enough confidence with my appearance to warrant risking the worst case scenario. So instead I'm left with feeling like my head is trapped in a mace, every bone in my skull feels like it's been battered and should leave me looking mottled with bruises on my face. It's another one of these delightful illnesses that you feel a great deal on the inside, but it doesn't look like I'm going through hell on the outside. Combined with an increased sensitivity to light and sound I'm left to wallow in pain in bed for most of the day with my gloomy thoughts to torment me. My mood swings would make for an impressive line graph. The good comes with the bad, the higher you climb the further you have to fall.