Out In The World

 I'm always anxious when attending any kind of doctor, dentist or optician's appointment. However, I used to find it a lot easier to get through them when they started asking their seemingly endless list of personal questions. They used to be able to look at my age and assume that I was a student, which for many years was correct. I can no longer give myself that label without being a fraud, and lets not get started on how uncomfortable and flustered I feel when they ask if I'm a graduate! Nowadays I seem to choose one of a few responses. What I say usually depends upon the kind of mood I'm in and is based on how confident I'm feeling that day. I might say that I'm a writer which tends to prompt the follow up question of what do you write about? Or who do you write for? Someone once assumed that I wrote manuscripts! Sorry pal I'm not all that showbiz.

I usually feel fairly comfortable saying that I write about mental health. More often than not the conversation will end there, a lot of people clam up and find it awkward to talk about. On some occasions I'm not quite confident enough to say that I'm a 'writer', it sounds strange to me. Yes I write, but can I call myself a 'writer'? It's not my occupation, it's more of a hobby and self-help method for dealing with my past problems, current feelings and experiences with mental illness. Even being honest and saying "I'm a blogger" can cause some people to recoil, as if they think "oh here's another wannabe writer trying to earn a quick buck" or "anyone can create a blog these days, no biggy". You'd be right to think that those are just assumptions I've made, but bloggers do receive that kind of feedback regularly. Journalists and writers often see bloggers as a modern form of competition. I just think it's a fantastic platform to share opinions, help people and potentially launch careers from. On the days I'm really feeling down and feeling particularly useless in the world I'll say I'm un-employed at this time. It's easier and provides an immediate end to that topic of conversation. Companies must love me messing up their records as it's likely that over the years I will chop and change my answer depending upon how I'm feeling. Perhaps one day I'll be able to confidently say that I'm a writer. I'm definitely not saying that bloggers aren't 'writers', if you believe in yourself and are happy to declare yourself as such, good for you! Personally I don't think it matters if your answer varies. So long as you aren't pretending to be a Doctor, attempting fraud or meddling with your taxes...simply answer in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. Afterall, those dentist check-ups are only once a year- don't sweat it!

I Wish To Register A Complaint

Monty Python reference, anyone?

This week I am faced with a 'very British problem'. Some of us are lucky enough to escape symptoms of Britishness which include: wanting to avoid a fuss despite being inconvenienced, having someone 'accidentally' join what they thought was the end of the line and inwardly feeling frustrated by this but not expressing said frustrations, and embarking upon a lift sharing scheme which only leaves you wondering why you're still paying just as much for petrol. As most of you will know I have had my fair share of doctors throughout my mental health care. Unfortunately I've had a few that have either left me feeling baffled by their 'advice' or have caused full on breakdowns due to their incompetence or inability to treat me with sensitivity. Since moving to Surrey I have been seeing one doctor, I have referred to them in previous posts. As doctor-patient relationships go, this one has been about as turbulent as my mood swings. They have been incredibly patient with my slow progress and understanding about my need to avoid counselling and CBT for now due to very bad experiences in the past. When speaking of my living situation and approach to treating depression they call it a very "unique approach", one which could easily be disturbed and all come toppling down on me at any moment. Of course what a depressed person needs to hear is their worst fears confirmed (seriously not true), that I could be left without a fiance and his mother whom I've confided in and become friends with, and the progress I've made would cease.

Patients of any kind shouldn't have to fear going to see their GP, the process is worrying enough if you are going to talk about serious conditions and queries. Unfortunately we can't always pick and choose who we get to see. I am fortunate to be registered with a surgery that always have appointments available to see someone quite quickly. However, the last thing I need is to be getting anxious over is seeing someone about my social anxiety and depression! I'm faced with the problem of getting so anxious about seeing this doctor because in the past their behaviour towards me has left me crying for hours and spending days in bed recovering from an appointment with them. It would be very easy for me to write a letter to the surgery to state my reasons for needing to be allocated a different doctor. They have caused a lot of upset and have behaved inappropriately towards me. This includes a recent appointment in which we  spoke of us moving house and the doctor saying I am "a piece of old furniture they are taking along with them, but who knows whether it will suit the new house or be kicked to the curb". Delightful, uplifting chat.

My 'very British problem', is that this doctor happens to be head of the surgery, and so will see any letter I write if I wish to change doctors. Despite all of the inappropriate and upsetting comments, I believe that I have made a certain amount of progress this year and that it is still very hard for me to go over the details of my illness and past experiences with anyone new, whether that be a doctor, counsellor or psychiatrist. Although I know that there are some great doctors out there I'm not sure that I want to find a new one only to realise that once again they aren't the one for me. I think that it would benefit me, and potentially others more if I write a letter directly to this docroe to state what I believe they have done wrong so far, that I feel discomfort whenever I have to go see them and that my anxiety over going to the doctors often escalates to a point whereby I have to cancel appointments and go without treatment for months. If I address the problems directly perhaps they will adjust their approach, perhaps they have been treating all of their mental health patients in this way and my letter could improve care for others too. It would be very easy and oh so very British of me to simply give them one more chance because they may have been having a bad day when they saw me last... and every time they have seen me for the past year. I say that something needs to change. Perhaps next time I have an appointment I will have something to be truly anxious about, facing them after they have received my letter!

Doctor, Doctor

Deer in the headlights pictured above.

Last week I was left feeling incredibly shaken and well, feeling like a deer in the headlights. I'd had a very bad encounter with my GP, someone whom I believed had my best interests in mind, perhaps they still do but that particular appointment left me feeling downtrodden and hopeless. Its extremely difficult for me to even schedule an appointment as I have no idea how I'll feel by the time it comes around, and social anxiety cripples me with fear to the point I'm unable to actually ring up the surgery myself. This appointment was supposed to just be a check up after coming off one of my medications. However, it turned into more of a confrontation and altogether unpleasant experience.