Hiatus

As some of you loyal readers may have noticed I didn't post anything last week. I'd like to think that you understand me well enough now to realise something was wrong. Last week I was away on holiday which was lovely. I had prepared some content to schedule for whilst I was away, unfortunately on the Saturday before we were due to go away on the Sunday I experienced a loss. Now, to some it might not seem like a significant 'loss' but to me it felt colossal. I have previously written a post about my pets on the blog so you will know that animals feature in my day to day life. Sadly my hamster Ruben passed away on Saturday. I expect some of you to be sitting here reading think "seriously? She's had a wobble because her rat died?!", not a rat cheers he was a hamster.

I got Ruben at a time when I was feeling very much alone in the world and felt no reason to carry on getting up every day to greet a life dominated by depression. Ruben was my companion in the many sleepless nights brought on from insomnia, he was something I could focus on, something I could take care of when I didn't feel like taking care of myself anymore. He gave me a purpose and brought smiles, all-be them brief ones at times, to my face when I didn't feel like I'd ever smile again. He was a cheeky little chappy that liked being fed from my hand and refused to eat from his bowl. He preferred running on top of his wheel rather than in it. He greeted me when I walked into the office and found him standing on his back legs with his front paws clasped together looking like a waiter waiting to say "I have an excellent table for you here". He scared off predators such as Toby (our puppy) and Kitty (our adopted feline friend) when he rolled around in his ball. He gave me a sleepless night when he escaped from said ball and was nowhere to be found. I loved him very much and he'll be sorely missed. For now I will grieve for him, for his gorgeous expression, silky soft fur and the way he tickled me as I let him walk along my shoulders and back. In the dead of night Robbie and I found a lovely spot in the garden for him where wild flowers grow. He was the first pet we had together, the first pet we've had that has died and so we are very sad about it. However, we have lovely memories with him and in time we will be able to welcome another furry critter into our lives. It can be very hard when you lose a pet, you might feel like you will never be able to have another pet again. That is the grief talking, because we all know that we can feel that kind of joy and love again. Pets will never be replaced, they'll always be remembered and cherished.

I will return to posting regularly, although for now I cannot say when that will be. I need some time to feel teary and work through my low moods. Rest assured that I will be working on content when I can I'm definitely writing something BIG right now *wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more*.

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Stepping Out

For the past month I have been religiously wearing my FitBit again. Last Summer was a big struggle, but I got a small amount of joy each day from seeing my tracker smile at me and showing how much I moved. Bare in mind that I would be pretty chuffed if I managed around 1,000 steps a day. At that time I wasn't going out much and struggled to remove my blank stare from the TV and slight comfort of the indent I'd made in the sofa.

Nowadays I'm moving around a bit more. I push myself further each day, even if that's just from chasing Toby (our dog) around the table or doing one more lap of crazy dancing around the island in the kitchen. Some days I venture further afield for a medical appointment- of which there have been many over the past two months- or to pick up some food shopping, walking back and forth along shopping aisles aimlessly AND forgetting multiple items, having to loop back really builds up the steps! I thought it would be an interesting way to keep track of my moods over the months if I translated my daily steps into a graph to post on the blog each month. In a line graph you can clearly see the peaks and troughs of my moods. Towards the end of the month I introduced the magnesium supplements to improve my sleep, which has in turn meant that I've been getting up earlier and having longer days. I always keep track of my day-to-day activities in a planner/diary. My mind is like a faucet at the moment, I can barely remember what I did yesterday never mind last week. I can use my daily notes alongside the graph to identify which days were really bad, which days I pushed myself despite crying most of the morning and the odd day where I forgot to put my tracker on until 4pm! As I said there were days that I cried a lot, I was on my own in the house and was feeling extremely anxious. In the past I would have drawn a line under the day and headed back to bed. However, I had a few responsibilities as I was looking after to Toby and some chickens down the road, the small walk to feed them left me feeling sick, trembling and crying by the time I reached our house again. I had a couple of those days and I 'rallied' through to the end until Robbie got back from work. I often end up baking my way through the depression...although that doesn't always work in my favour as I'll try a stupidly hard recipe and be left crying over a failed bake and a kitchen covered in a sticky mess.

The path to progress isn't always smooth, and you won't be seeing me consistently reaching 10,000+ steps a day anytime soon. As you can see towards the end of the month I had some really big days, followed immediately after by a lull or a rest day. As good as the victories feel, you need to remember that you are ill and you'll feel the aftermath of a fantastic day when you wake up in the morning. My body usually feels like it has been run down by a bus on my rest days...I couldn't move far even if I wanted to. Just remember it's OK to feel that way and don't allow anyone to push you beyond a pace that's comfortable for you.

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