Head Down

Some people might question my commitment to being a mental health writer as I was silent across all platforms during mental health week. A lot of people I follow on Instagram and Youtube utilised the time to spread messages that support the movement against stigma and silence of mental illnesses. It surely was the perfect opportunity for me to do the same, particularly as the occasion coincided with my usual blog upload day.

Unfortunately my illness doesn't care for what day or week it is, even if it might be the perfect opportunity to post a true account of the pain I experience during a low period. I can begin a week with a seemingly great plan for writing, filming and exercising only to end up diving head first into my duvet. A week spent editing my video on my breast reduction surgery (see it here) that occurred last Summer has put me into a strange head space. Of course the operation was a fantastic moment for me, I was finally taking the steps towards boosting my body confidence and self esteem after feeling trapped in a body I wasn't comfortable with. It's allowed me to push my body beyond what I thought it was capable of in terms of fitness.

However, as I was editing the video I couldn't help but think that I haven't progressed much further since the operation. A week after the operation we were having a party, I was reunited with friends from university and we talked of work and my plans for my book. I've previously said that I would kick myself if I hadn't got everything together by this Summer. It might not be here just yet but it is looming and I've barely touched the pages in my desk draw. I've spent years working through events that transpired long ago, coming to conclusions on how they impacted my mental health and actions. Writing it all down comes easily enough to me, but reading over it all and attempting to put it all into chapters is incredibly overwhelming. Many people who attempt to write their memoirs often fail because it ends up being so damaging to their emotional and mental health. So imagine attempting to do so when your mental health is already in tatters. Despite the pain and frustration of it all, I know that it's something I desperately want other people to see one day. Creating things is what keeps me going and makes me excited. There will always be days when my head goes down, but it will pop up again when I'm ready. I seem to be constantly battling against society's ideas of what progress looks like and what I've learnt; that it takes many forms. Check back in two weeks time for a post on how I track my progress.

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Memoirs Of Depression

It might seem counter productive to read about other people's experiences of depression, particularly if they are in depth and auto-biographical. There can be triggers within the contexts which poses a threat to the recovering and well-being of readers that are depressed. However, I find them to be highly informative. I recently started browsing for books on mental health, in particular those surrounding the conditions of social anxiety and depression. I had previously been given a book of this nature before. Initially I was reluctant as I've been bombarded with studies, theories and books with contradictory claims and it just puts my head into a faster spin cycle. Sometimes it can be hard to accept help from others. Of course support is welcomed, but in most cases it is likely that the person experiencing depression has done a fair amount of research into the illness themselves.

The books I've come across vary in their approaches to the condition. Some have been written from the perspective of the psychiatrists sharing how they feel seeing patients with similar issues day after day and how that affects them. Something which could be an interesting read as a high proportion of psychiatrists have gone into their profession due to a personal experience of mental illness.

I prefer to avoid being bogged down by the science of depression. Instead I have a few books that are memoirs, in depth books providing an insight into the author's experience of depression, what worked for them and what didn't, how bad things got for them and in some cases how they escaped the dark depths of depression. I love seeing people's reactions to the cover of the book I have my nose in, the titles aren't exactly cheery so it's funny to see them recoil with wide eyes. I think it's worthwhile for anyone to read these sorts of books, you may well find yourself in a similar position one day or come across someone in your life experiencing depression. If anything, the discussion of symptoms will help you to recognise them in yourself or others. Of course certain parts of the book can be quite distressing to read, yet I find comfort in knowing that someone else knows how badly depression can pollute the mind. And I'm glad that these authors have managed to express themselves for their own benefit as well as getting their stories seen by thousands of other people.

In the coming weeks I am going to be posting short book reviews on the titles I've been reading recently. Hopefully this will act as a guide to anyone interested in reading about depression in this way. The reviews will also highlight whether sensitive issues and potential triggers such as self harm are mentioned.