Everyone experienced the school time ritual of birthday bumps, right? I'm not really referring to those kind of birthday bumps today. Yesterday I turned 23. I still can't quite believe it. Depression has cast a hazy veil across the past couple of years, I can't really remember my last few birthdays. I've actually had a poor reputation of enjoying and celebrating birthdays since I was 16. It doesn't have anything to do with the gifts, the company or the birthday parties (or lack thereof because of me). At the age of 16 I realised who my true friends were as we were having a birthday dinner. At 18 I failed my driving test on my birthday (such a bad idea) and didn't want to show my face at sixth form. When I was turning 19 I was in the cinema clutching onto a hot water bottle due to post-op pain. Whilst I was at university I turned 20 and had my first birthday experience of going 'out, out' surrounded by some amazing people. When I turned 21 I had bright pink hair and was more concerned with everyone else having a good time and at 22...I struggle to remember. That year I wasn't in the mood to celebrate. I was feeling incredibly down, self conscious and really didn't want a fuss made of me, the heat would come to my cheeks and anxiety would sit in my stomach and knotted up in my throat as I unwrapped presents.
This year, something clicked in my head. I could make this day enjoyable by having a good time with those around me. I can try to make the day good by controlling as many of the conditions as possible. But I also had to remember that it was just like any other day. It's OK if things don't go to plan, we can't control everything. Depression knows no bounds. Depression doesn't care if it's Christmas, your birthday, someones wedding or whatever other significant event there is. Depression does not discriminate by gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, age or class. Depression doesn't subside for whatever is going on in our lives, we can't pick and choose when it affects us. We can do our best, we can push ourselves and prepare as much as we can to delay symptoms and attempt to reduce anxieties. Just remember that we all have a limit, don't push or be pushed too hard because that won't be helpful for anyone.
I'm glad to see that I've made progress. I celebrated my birthday, something which might seem easy to most people. To me that is colossal progress. I went out during the day, twice! I went to busy places, but I made sure we went at times when it might not be too busy and I chose places where I'd feel slightly more comfortable. It can be hard to speak up and take control, but if it gives you a better chance of enjoying a day out or a special occasion, then making your voice heard is worthwhile.
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