The Reality Of It All

Recently I've fallen down the rabbit hole. It looks like I've been making progress, but inside I feel worse than ever. Other people have such busy lives and yet I feel exhausted at the thought of my minor commitment to writing one blog post a week. Although I know people read the blog I don't get much feedback from people. I can understand why, especially if readers are experiencing similar problems to my own, it can be scary and hard to speak up, even online. I have thousands of page views, yet I feel like no one is out there. I hear no reply when I call out, but I never want to skip a week of posting. I don't care about how many followers I have on various social media platforms, I'm not the type of person or blogger that is driven by gaining hundreds of followers. Of course each page view and follower I do have I am very grateful for. The thing that keeps me going and motivates me is the idea and hope that at least one person benefits from reading these posts, that makes it all worthwhile to me. 

My apologies if these ramblings don't make sense, my waking hours are few in number these days. You'd think I'd be bright eyed and alert, but I'm more tired than ever and it only takes me being up for an hour before I'm crawling back upstairs to bed. 

Of course it can be motivating, inspiring and uplifting to read the words of someone who is recovering from a mental illness. It provides hope and confidence that you too will succeed in defeating the dark monster. I used to find it equally helpful and reassuring to read about other people's worst times too. Sounds terrible to most people, but just knowing that you aren't alone in what you're feeling can also be helpful.

My cheery thoughts this week are on some of the (simple) truths of depression. I'm overwhelmed by everything, yet I have nothing going on in my life. I frequently feel very lonely, but I'm terrified of leaving the house and meeting new people. I want to be up and about getting on with tasks, but I'm confined to my bed. I want to watch a funny film, but even the lighthearted moments make me sad. My mind is racing, but I can't fixate on a single thought. I don't want to waste time, yet I sleep the day away. I feel disgusting, but I don't have the strength to stand in the shower. I have lots of ideas but no self belief. My life isn't bad, but I'm so unhappy.