Head Down

Some people might question my commitment to being a mental health writer as I was silent across all platforms during mental health week. A lot of people I follow on Instagram and Youtube utilised the time to spread messages that support the movement against stigma and silence of mental illnesses. It surely was the perfect opportunity for me to do the same, particularly as the occasion coincided with my usual blog upload day.

Unfortunately my illness doesn't care for what day or week it is, even if it might be the perfect opportunity to post a true account of the pain I experience during a low period. I can begin a week with a seemingly great plan for writing, filming and exercising only to end up diving head first into my duvet. A week spent editing my video on my breast reduction surgery (see it here) that occurred last Summer has put me into a strange head space. Of course the operation was a fantastic moment for me, I was finally taking the steps towards boosting my body confidence and self esteem after feeling trapped in a body I wasn't comfortable with. It's allowed me to push my body beyond what I thought it was capable of in terms of fitness.

However, as I was editing the video I couldn't help but think that I haven't progressed much further since the operation. A week after the operation we were having a party, I was reunited with friends from university and we talked of work and my plans for my book. I've previously said that I would kick myself if I hadn't got everything together by this Summer. It might not be here just yet but it is looming and I've barely touched the pages in my desk draw. I've spent years working through events that transpired long ago, coming to conclusions on how they impacted my mental health and actions. Writing it all down comes easily enough to me, but reading over it all and attempting to put it all into chapters is incredibly overwhelming. Many people who attempt to write their memoirs often fail because it ends up being so damaging to their emotional and mental health. So imagine attempting to do so when your mental health is already in tatters. Despite the pain and frustration of it all, I know that it's something I desperately want other people to see one day. Creating things is what keeps me going and makes me excited. There will always be days when my head goes down, but it will pop up again when I'm ready. I seem to be constantly battling against society's ideas of what progress looks like and what I've learnt; that it takes many forms. Check back in two weeks time for a post on how I track my progress.

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Uphill Struggle

This time of year is particularly difficult for those with depression. January went by all too quickly as did February. I was willing myself to really kick start my 'health kick' all the while feeling incredibly down, exhausted and hopeless. This desire to feel fit and healthy isn't a new year fad, it is a constant desire to be the best version of myself for me. I'm not doing it for anyone else, I'm not attempting to meet anyone elses standards or views of the 'ideal' body. I just want to like what I see reflected back at me, I don't want to feel the pinch of too skinny jeans, I don't want the constant reminder that I'm slightly unfit as I can't catch my breath as I walk up a steep hill. Long ago I mastered the wrong ways of losing weight. I was thinner, I weighed less but I felt awful.

For the past few weeks I've been walking as much as I can. It's alarming to see how little I moved when I was really depressed. I walked my dog as much as I could, others subbed in for me when I was particularly tearful. Other than that my movements were limited to going back and forth between my bed, the bathroom, the kitchen and occasionally venturing out for a food shop with someone. A weekly trip to Waitrose (any other supermarket works just as well) really racked up the daily step count! Nowadays if my step count is lagging a bit I'll go off to ASDA because it's HUGE and pace up and down every aisle, even the ones I don't need to go along, just to push towards my step count. Most people can achieve the daily recommended 10,000 steps fairly easily if they work in the big city or are generally on their feet for most of the day. For me it is one of the achievements that I need to remember and hold on to when I am feeling useless and worthless. The small goals soon add up and as time goes by you'll forget when you last felt out of breath. Despite my good intentions, depression can still get to me, infiltrate my goals and set me way back along my line of progress.

The photo above depicts one of my greatest achievements last year. Surprisingly not mastering how to ski. I tried, I really put every ounce of effort in that I could muster. That doesn't mean that I will never try again. I hope I will. That trip was almost a disaster for me. I didn't feel like I deserved to be there, I failed at skiing therefor I didn't deserve to eat the lovely food or go out to beautiful places with everyone else. My subconscious was punishing me further when I had already been kicked down. I've recently realised that my subconscious frequently meddles with my thoughts.  Any compliment I receive is immediately squashed in my mind, declarations of love are translated into pity, even my own ambitions of losing weight and exercising more are stomped on by the voice telling me "there's no point, you'll always be chubby". It will take me a long time to reprogramme my subconscious, it has been polluted by anxiety and voices that really did tell me I was useless, fat, undesirable, the second choice and first to lose. I'm doing my best to stay on track by creating motivation boards displaying the things I really want to achieve, words reminding me what I enjoy doing, reminders of what I regret not doing during the days I feel down. I've also drawn up the next few months so I can see when we have social events coming up, my motivation to keep doing something physical each day so I feel comfortable and possibly confident when I have to dress up. I'm not going to let another summer come and go by with me feeling uncomfortable in summer clothing, feeling ashamed as my thighs chafe after being liberated from jeans only to feel super uncomfortable in shorts and dresses. Fingers crossed these thoughts carry me through the bad days. I just completed a 30 day squat challenge, I can't say that I've ever done 1,900 squats before! It felt great and after a rest day I will be progressing to level 2 of the squat challenge and adding a abdominal challenge into the mix too!

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Out In The World

 I'm always anxious when attending any kind of doctor, dentist or optician's appointment. However, I used to find it a lot easier to get through them when they started asking their seemingly endless list of personal questions. They used to be able to look at my age and assume that I was a student, which for many years was correct. I can no longer give myself that label without being a fraud, and lets not get started on how uncomfortable and flustered I feel when they ask if I'm a graduate! Nowadays I seem to choose one of a few responses. What I say usually depends upon the kind of mood I'm in and is based on how confident I'm feeling that day. I might say that I'm a writer which tends to prompt the follow up question of what do you write about? Or who do you write for? Someone once assumed that I wrote manuscripts! Sorry pal I'm not all that showbiz.

I usually feel fairly comfortable saying that I write about mental health. More often than not the conversation will end there, a lot of people clam up and find it awkward to talk about. On some occasions I'm not quite confident enough to say that I'm a 'writer', it sounds strange to me. Yes I write, but can I call myself a 'writer'? It's not my occupation, it's more of a hobby and self-help method for dealing with my past problems, current feelings and experiences with mental illness. Even being honest and saying "I'm a blogger" can cause some people to recoil, as if they think "oh here's another wannabe writer trying to earn a quick buck" or "anyone can create a blog these days, no biggy". You'd be right to think that those are just assumptions I've made, but bloggers do receive that kind of feedback regularly. Journalists and writers often see bloggers as a modern form of competition. I just think it's a fantastic platform to share opinions, help people and potentially launch careers from. On the days I'm really feeling down and feeling particularly useless in the world I'll say I'm un-employed at this time. It's easier and provides an immediate end to that topic of conversation. Companies must love me messing up their records as it's likely that over the years I will chop and change my answer depending upon how I'm feeling. Perhaps one day I'll be able to confidently say that I'm a writer. I'm definitely not saying that bloggers aren't 'writers', if you believe in yourself and are happy to declare yourself as such, good for you! Personally I don't think it matters if your answer varies. So long as you aren't pretending to be a Doctor, attempting fraud or meddling with your taxes...simply answer in the way that makes you feel most comfortable. Afterall, those dentist check-ups are only once a year- don't sweat it!