I was supposed to start this year by going to the Harry Potter Warner Studio tour. We received two gift tickets from my parents last Christmas, as in 2015. Initially our tour was booked in for October as I'd heard that death eaters roam the Diagon Alley set. Unfortunately I got super anxious in the weeks leading up to it. Fortunately the tours can be rebooked up until the evening before in case of sickness etc.
Sometimes I set myself up for setbacks and failure. Whenever we're expecting guests at the house, I either go into hibernation mode with intervals to dash to the kitchen for food in stealth mode OR I throw myself into baking in batch mode, cooking up a storm and generally exhausting myself right up until they're on the doorstep. Neither are ideal. Baking is usually a good coping mechanism for me. However, it's not wise to do so when I do it to the point when I've been on my feet for hours without a break, my body is trembling and I've managed to work through all meals of the day. That right there is setting myself up to fail. Of course I'll be more prone to anxiety and dips in my mood if I haven't eaten, my body is already trembling and I haven't taken a second to breath and prepare myself for a wave of people coming into the house.
When I rebooked the studio tour I set myself up once again. I reschueduled for another early morning Saturday tour. That's red flag number 1. First thing after I wake up, I'm more likely to be convinced that the day ahead will be a diaster and that I am already a failure. Also, Saturdays will be SUPER busy with families that can't go during the week. Combine that with the Halloween season and we have a potential meltdown scenario. I was also going to be driving solo to Watford for the first time so we could stay there the night before to avoid having to get up super early to drive. So that would be a solo drive, a brand new route, Friday evening rush hour traffic and picking up Robbie from a busy train station. Of course all of this produced the same amount of anxiety I felt the first time around. Fortunately we were able to ammend the booking once again. That alone is progress as before I would have eaten the cost of the tickets and purchased new ones just to avoid the high level of anxiety I often feel when I have to make a phone call.
The evening before I was due to post this, I very nearly set myself up for a setback again. Some of you will know that I am a creative person. After burning myself out over the years of art exams I wasn't certain that I'd find that desire to create again. Over the past couple of years I've dabbled with small projects and started creating on my face (!) I've really enjoyed it but there have been times when I will go months between creating anything. Yesterday one of my favourite makeup brands announced the opening of their annual competition, the NYX Face Awards. For years I watched the American competition and hoped that it would happen here too. In the midst of depression I completely missed the first one, nothing was on my radar at that time. Last year I decided to create my entry, I was excited initially but I realised that something wasn't quite right. I wasn't enjoying the process of creating something exciting. It was causing sleepless nights as I attempted to squeeze out some creativity, something original. I ended up working throughout the nights whilst everyone else was soundly asleep. It simply wasn't doing me any good, my health was in decline again as were my spirits as I doubted my skills. I wish that I had been working on developing my skills over the past year, gaining confidence ready for this years competition. Perhaps if I didn't have a mind fogged up by depression I could have figured out when the competition would fall this year. This time last year we were on holiday in Switzerland. I can recall furiously checking and refreshing the Instagram post of my video entry to see how many views and likes I was receiving. Part of me wanted some kind of recognition, a vote of confidence to say that I had some talent worth honing. The other part of me was in sheer bloody panic at the thought of getting through to the first round only to realise I'd exhausted my ideas already. Last night was a restless night as I saw the announcement, submissions for the competition are now being accepted. My mind was a flash of colours and shapes as I closed my eyes ready for sleep. Rest did not come until the early hours of this morning when everyone else was getting up to start their day. I came up with some options for my plan of action. Either I accept this challenge and do my very best BUT risk the progress I've made in the improvements to my lifestyle including exercise, healthy eating at 'normal' times of the day and getting restful nights sleep. OR I watch as others enter, take inspiration from that and attempt to use this year to hone my skills at my pace whilst maintaining the progress in other areas of my life. I think the choice is obvious. The competition will be there next year and perhaps I might be more prepared for it when it does come.
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