Sensory overload with the photos?! It was a glorious day up North, days which are few and far between so I took full advantage of having my camera out in the sun.
This is the post that I had intended to write for last week, but alas the sinusitis struck me down! I'm still battling with it but I've manage to compose a 'proper post' for this week. The photos above were all taken whilst on a visit to the Botanical Gardens in Durham. Yes, Durham! I finally made it back up there after a year of being away from university. I'd manged to place all of my bad feelings onto the physical location of Durham as a whole, so for a long time it seemed like an impossible task to visit my friends up there. The reality is that there are a few physical locations in Durham that I'll probably never return to. There are panic attack hot spots for me, places where I repeatedly had panic attacks no matter how well prepared I was for the circumstances. I had been saying that I would try to go back for the college ball at the end of May/beginning of June as I remember it being a really great event despite the headspace I was in at the time of our first ball. Unfortunately we couldn't make it for various reasons, and I was quite relieved. I was aiming far too high for my first visit there. I must remind myself that baby steps are essential during my recovery! Getting up to Durham would be, and was, a massive achievement in itself. The trouble with me is that I'll think that they are achievements and feel pretty chuffed, but as soon as anyone else acknowledges them I'll be quite bashful and downplay those achievements. We eventually decided to head up by train for a long weekend with a stay in a hotel in central Durham so I didn't have to worry about long treks back to our safe place! We could have saved money by staying with friends in our former college, but I have a lot of bad memories of locking myself in my college room for weeks at the end of the first year, so we thought it would be a safer and more positive option to treat ourselves to a big comfy bed!
I wasn't certain that I would even make the trip up to Durham. And hour prior to us leaving I was still in bed crying because I already felt like a failure, I was scared that people wouldn't want to see me and I was more terrified that I wouldn't be able to see them and end up letting people down. I'd been in that state for a few hours before Robbie came home from work before we were supposed to get our train. He's a very chilled, comforting being. Without him saying much at all to me, I realised that I could either spend a weekend without him sobbing in a bed in Epsom, or I could take a risk head up to Durham and potentially just spend a weekend crying up there with him popping in to check on me. Fortunately my reasoning won over the dark monster in my head, and despite a nerve-wracking journey through London, I made it onto the Durham train unscathed. Arriving at a very late hour made it hard to distinguish the surroundings, I hardly knew I was in Durham (!), except for the obvious signs of an illuminated cathedral and castle. We took control of the weekend and all plans. I'd decided that I would do better without having firm plans in place as I could easily fail to attend things if I had too much time to think about them. Instead we opted for a spur of the moment mentality, doing what we felt like. Surprisingly I came up with the idea to head up to the Botanical Gardens which is very close to our former college. It was a trip that we hadn't managed to do as a couple whilst we were at university, despite it being all of a 5 minute walk from our college accommodation. I got trigger happy with my camera. Robbie had to prop me up a bit as there was a fair amount of walking to do, and it was an uncharacteristically hot day in Durham! That combination together with my anxiety left me reaching for my inhaler for relief a few times. I soon got over it as I was super excited to show Robbie the giant greenhouses full of cactus plants and GIANT lily pads, in my eyes the best aspect of the Botanical Gardens which he'd managed to miss out on previous visits with others.
The remainder of the weekend consisted of spontaneous dinners with some uni friends as well as some time spent together as a couple. It seems ridiculous that I can be terrified of seeing friends, but I genuinely was. We managed to keep some anxiety at bay by arriving to the restaurant early and having a few cheeky cocktails to perk me up a bit! Ultimately I had to keep in mind that these people could easily make excuses if they didn't want to see me. I even managed to have some fun with Robbie's former housemates, we were all friends from the same college corridor from our first year, but I always found them a bit intimidating. Deep down I know they're all teddy bears really, and I've managed to comfortablyy have one-to-one time with most of them. I was really happy to spend time with them casually playing the Xbox and surprising them with my skills on a certain game called "hidden in plain sight". I managed to have a really great time with all of them, catching up with some close friends from uni and being really excited for their future plans after graduating. It can be really difficult for any student to meet up with uni friends after graduating, so I'm even more concerned that I won't see some of them again. Hopefully we'll be able to meet up in a convenient location for everyone at some point. I know this seems like a 'me, me, me' post but I hope you can identify where I've attempted to reason with my inner demons to control a potentially stressful trip and end up having an enjoyable time by doing things the way I needed to. It also really helps knowing that everyone up there knows about my situation now, whereas whilst I was at university they didn't have a clue and either thought I was quite shy or may well have never given any thought to it at all! Its never easy admitting to something like that, and you might lose the support of some friends but the ones that matter most will stick by you and hopefully those friendships will last for a lifetime.
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