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Image from https://instagram.com/colourpopcosmetics/
Self harm isn't an easy topic to talk about, it's a complex thing to experience and to fathom. Some people may believe that self harm is limited to a certain group of people, wrong. These people may also believe there is only one method of self harm, also wrong. It was something that was associated as being "emo" whilst I was in high school (six years ago), the words "depression" "depressed and "depressing" were used colloquially; used casually and didn't mean that those people were genuinely depressed. When I was 16/17 years old I wasn't entirely sure what it meant to be depressed, I knew that I was sad, alone and feeling empty. Somehow I manage to walk around and muddle through life at that time, but at the time I felt like an empty shell, I allowed people to talk to me in ways that aren't acceptable, I was treated badly and I just took it. I didn't process what was happening, the damage had already been done prior to this, they'd beaten me into submission with their words, shunning and not allowing me to pass by without acknowledging them in some way. The damage was done, they'd hit a home run but weren't satisfied with that, they continued to swing away and the balls just bounced off my empty shell.
After a while, I became desperate to feel something. I had felt a lot of pain before, but now it couldn't touch me. I was invincible or indestructible, I was scared that I didn't feel human any more and just didn't feel anything. The Internet is a fantastic resource for many things, in an emergency we can look up how to put a spare tyre on our cars when one is flat, we can search for how to remove certain stains when our parents aren't available to help us with their wealth of knowledge. It's a fantastic resource, but in the hands of someone feeling depressed and desperate to feel some kind of emotion it can become a dangerous tool. I went searching for answers about what was happening to me, why did I feel like an empty shell? How could I feel something again? Type a question into Google or any other search engine and an enormous amount of information is churned out in front of you. I managed to find myself on a website that was essentially a wordy tutorial of ways to harm myself. If I couldn't feel anything why not inflict pain upon myself to feel?
I'll never provide exact details of what I did to myself, partly because I never want anyone to stumble across this blog and see it as a tutorial to harm themselves, I don't want to became part of that system I discovered. It's also a very private thing to go through, I do get asked questions about it and sometimes I will begrudgingly provide some answers to reassure people. Self harm can occur for a variety of reasons. People harm themselves because they desire to feel pain, some people enjoy the pain and crave it, others use it as a form of punishment for things they've done or failed to do. It's associated with a variety of health problems including (but not limited to) depression, anxiety and eating disorders. I self harmed for a combination of reasons, mostly because I longed to feel something, but also as a form of punishment. Strangely enough I punished myself for thinking certain things about myself, the depression was whispering in my ear and more often that not I believed the degrading things it churned out in my mind. Sometimes I felt the need to combat these negative thoughts by punishing the dark monster of depression, its words cut me deep. I inflicted pain upon myself and subsequently said 'monster', and it would go away for a time. I was temporarily slaying the beast.
When I am in that mind frame it's difficult to think good things about myself, I am the queen of put downs for myself. Not a title anyone should strive to achieve. I've struggled to believe that I deserve happiness, friends, or a future. I struggle to accept compliments because of the hate and put downs I was pelted with by bullies. Perhaps the voice of the dreary dark monster is the bully or at least echoes the voices of those bullies. Do they now exist within me? As is struggle to be kind to myself I find it hard to follow my own advice. A very wise person told me to write down things I'd say to someone who had self harmed so I present you with those musings:
- Don't listen to the people that say you're doing it for attention.
- I know you are hurting right now, but you are strong.
- When you are ready to do so, make sure that you take care of your wounds, wash them, pop on a plaster if need be (a super awesome colourful one if you can) and carry on.
- If anyone asks about the plasters just say a) its an awesome plaster, why wouldn't I wear it? b) tell them the truth about whats its covering, c) say you scraped yourself on a tree branch or make up some badass war-wound story and be the legend you deserve to be known as!
- They aren't really staring at you, your brain and the illness is making you a wee bit paranoid and wants you to hurt some more. DON'T allow it to!
- Perhaps they are staring, or they've drifted off into a day dream and their gaze just so happened to rest upon your badass plasters.
- If they genuinely are staring and you feel confident enough give THEM the look up and down, "yeah, what you looking at punk?".
- It's not a sign of weakness, you are not weak. Yes you harmed yourself and I'm sorry that you felt so badly and that this happened to you. I think you are strong, you may have been sad, angry, desperate but you didn't try the alternative. You were so determined to feel something, you are determined to live and to survive this.
- Cuts and bruises will fade, the biggest wound of all would be if we lost you.
- Wear your scars with pride, you survived, you've healed and you've defeated.
