Dream A Little Dream Of Me

I've been thinking a lot about where my life is going recently. This isn't simply a new year, new me type of concern, its something I consider on a daily basis. A major part of my illness is feeling as if the world and life is passing me by, I can see it happening and yet I feel unable to intervene. I also hold a lot of guilt as I see everyone else in the house getting on with their lives, be that studying, heading off to work or helping out in the community. They all experience stress too, its a normal factor of life. However when you live feeling stressed everyday the body is put under an enormous amount of strain, and it can become impossible to carry out even the most basic of tasks.


When I was younger I was given a postcard advertising an art college in Cambridge, up until then I'd just been doing a lot of drawings in felt tip pens sprawled across my bedroom floor. At that age I wasn't aware that I could study art. I soon became fixated upon the idea of going to an art college. For years I struggled to produce artwork that was deemed "worthy" by my art teacher, I had to win her over to get into the GCSE class, harsh on their end as I was still developing my skills and experimenting in ways they didn't approve of as it didn't match their preferred style. I worked hard to get my way through coursework and exam pieces up until A level standard art. By that point I'd exhausted myself working to meet other people's expectations and requirements, my personal style never had the chance to develop and my creativity and imagination was suppressed. I'd already applied to a foundation course for art and design as I'd been steered in that direction for so long, I honestly believe I wasn't encouraged enough in academia from a young age, by the time I realised I had potential in other subjects it was too late. I'd fully committed to the only identity I'd ever known. So when that started to break down I felt incredibly lost and terrified as I had no idea what else I could do with my life. As a desperate attempt to start on a new path I applied to university to study Sociology, a subject I seemed to take to naturally in sixth form. Unfortunately my illness got in the way of many opportunities available at uni, I watched as my friends managed balance their work and attended other sports sessions ans societies. If I'd been unable to do well with my studies there I thought I could have grasped some of the other opportunities, by getting involved with societies and volunteer work.

Unfortunately, once again, I've had to restart on another path. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, they've lead me towards meeting some great people and I finally sought help for my depression and anxiety. As I've been particularly depressed recently I've only been able to take baby steps, recently my sleeping pattern has been turned upside down and I've barely been awake long enough to achieve any of said baby steps. I'd love to be able to do as much baking as I had been doing, I have an exercise schedule ready for me to start but I don't have enough energy, I'd love to be able to get some good photos for blogs posts, or just go for a walk or a drive without being consumed by anxiety.

To avoid going under completely I've been trying to think one good thing I've done each day, or one good quality I have. Its a lot tougher than it sounds! Trying to compliment myself is like dragging a horse behind a carriage. Even though I don't know where I'll end up in life or when it'll finally get better for me, I can still make a list of the things I enjoy and attempt to think of future plans and opportunities surrounding those interests. If you've been having a difficult time thinking far ahead in the future but not knowing how to get there, try to think of the things that make you happiest in life. Keep the list to yourself or why not share it in the comments below, on the blog's facebook page here or send them to me here. My list is: creativity/crafts, animals, fitness, baking, family and friends.

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