I turned 21 at the beginning of the year. I put a lot of effort into a house party at uni, exhausting myself in attempts to ensure everyone else had a good time. Meanwhile I was having a life crisis, on the verge of a breakdown and was dying my hair pink. All photos of this time have been deleted!
After a devastating doctors appointment I had a severe breakdown in February (of which I will go into further detail in a future post). I'd been told to keep going with a treatment that hadn't been working towards improving my mood. I barely contained my anxiety and tears during the short walk from the doctors to my university house. As soon as I entered my room I saw how dismal my life had become, I was a recluse, bound to my room, surrounded by cereal bowls and quick snacks to eat to avoid meeting anyone in the kitchen. I saw this colossal mess and fell to my knees sobbing, I didn't care who could hear me anymore, it was all too much.
A slight contrast to the previous month...I got engaged. Who knew an anxious, depressed wreck could sustain a relationship for long enough for someone to realise there was some goodness and hope left in me. Of course the naughty voices of depression whispered horrible thoughts in my ears, its a pity engagement, he thinks he'll lose you if he doesn't put a ring on it etc.
The time between April and July has become quite foggy in my mind. A lot happened very quickly. I had to make some serious decisions that would change the way I'd been living. I battled with the workload of university, I'd been housebound for months due to overwhelming anxiety so I was attempting to teach myself how to use a statistics programme to complete coursework and trying to stay on top of all of my other work. I was essentially attending university without reaping any of the benefits. I ended up packing up all of my things and leaving university in June, I hadn't seen any of my friends since my birthday and I was terrified that I had lost them because they didn't know what had been going on. I had intended on taking my exams in the Summer and then taking a year off from studying, putting my final year off as I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with the normal pressures of the course AS WELL AS a dissertation. However, as the exam dates approached I realised I was full of anxiety, I couldn't sleep and the whole thing was making me physically unwell. I made the incredibly hard decision to not go back to university as I need to take some time to improve my physical and mental health. None of it was easy to walk away from, there were a lot of sleepless nights and tearful conversations about what I ought to do. During this year I've had a lot of trouble with addressing my mental health issues, I've seen far too many doctors and psychiatrists that haven't helped me and actually ended up doing more damage to me. I've resolved to carry on taking anti-depressants as I know how badly I feel without taking them. I've also realised that writing is a really useful way for me to address my problems, I also write a lot of letters or notes to family and friends when I need to discuss difficult topics, I have trouble articulating my feelings in person and often get cut off by some more dominate personalities.
Overall this year certainly hasn't been the greatest, although there have been some sneaky pick me ups along the way. Sneaky highlights including getting engaged to my best friend and the most perfect person for me. I was also taken on an incredible holiday by my fiance's family, a location that had been thoroughly pinned onto my dream destinations board on Pinterest, somewhere I certainly never imagined getting to go to! The whole trip made me appreciate how lucky I can be, not just to go on such an amazing trip, but also realising how lucky I am to have found such a brilliant extension to my family, I owe so much to them and yet they want nothing in return except for their son's happiness and a few of my rare smiles. I've also realised how good it feels to have spoken up about my problems, initially I only saw the pain it caused my parents when they realised how long I'd been hiding it and how bad things had become for me. However, since speaking up I've realised who my true friends are, the ones that have stuck by me throughout and now know me better than ever before.
This year has shown me that I have made some good positive decisions. Starting this blog was initially terrifying, but the fear was worthwhile to me when I realised I could help others by sharing my experiences. Talking about my depression and social anxiety has been a difficult but much needed step to take. As a result I have educated a number of my friends and family about what its like to live with these debilitating conditions, and I've also had a lot of conversations with people whom I never knew had/have similar problems. We all just need to talk a bit more about the serious things, not only will we become more informed, we will become closer as a result.
I hope you all enjoy your New Years Eve celebrations, and hopefully 2015 will bring us all some better times.
Keep talking, writing it all down & working it out - you're doing brilliantly lovely, gorgeous you! All best wishes for 2015. We're with you all the way xxxx
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