Hiatus

As some of you loyal readers may have noticed I didn't post anything last week. I'd like to think that you understand me well enough now to realise something was wrong. Last week I was away on holiday which was lovely. I had prepared some content to schedule for whilst I was away, unfortunately on the Saturday before we were due to go away on the Sunday I experienced a loss. Now, to some it might not seem like a significant 'loss' but to me it felt colossal. I have previously written a post about my pets on the blog so you will know that animals feature in my day to day life. Sadly my hamster Ruben passed away on Saturday. I expect some of you to be sitting here reading think "seriously? She's had a wobble because her rat died?!", not a rat cheers he was a hamster.

I got Ruben at a time when I was feeling very much alone in the world and felt no reason to carry on getting up every day to greet a life dominated by depression. Ruben was my companion in the many sleepless nights brought on from insomnia, he was something I could focus on, something I could take care of when I didn't feel like taking care of myself anymore. He gave me a purpose and brought smiles, all-be them brief ones at times, to my face when I didn't feel like I'd ever smile again. He was a cheeky little chappy that liked being fed from my hand and refused to eat from his bowl. He preferred running on top of his wheel rather than in it. He greeted me when I walked into the office and found him standing on his back legs with his front paws clasped together looking like a waiter waiting to say "I have an excellent table for you here". He scared off predators such as Toby (our puppy) and Kitty (our adopted feline friend) when he rolled around in his ball. He gave me a sleepless night when he escaped from said ball and was nowhere to be found. I loved him very much and he'll be sorely missed. For now I will grieve for him, for his gorgeous expression, silky soft fur and the way he tickled me as I let him walk along my shoulders and back. In the dead of night Robbie and I found a lovely spot in the garden for him where wild flowers grow. He was the first pet we had together, the first pet we've had that has died and so we are very sad about it. However, we have lovely memories with him and in time we will be able to welcome another furry critter into our lives. It can be very hard when you lose a pet, you might feel like you will never be able to have another pet again. That is the grief talking, because we all know that we can feel that kind of joy and love again. Pets will never be replaced, they'll always be remembered and cherished.

I will return to posting regularly, although for now I cannot say when that will be. I need some time to feel teary and work through my low moods. Rest assured that I will be working on content when I can I'm definitely writing something BIG right now *wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more*.

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One Of The Greats

When I was younger I never quite understood members of the public grieving over celebrities. I suppose if they were an idol, did incredible charity work, or were great role models it would cause some heartbreak. I experienced my share of heartbreak this time last year. It was totally unexpected in every way, a sudden death and a reaction I hadn't anticipated.

This person was an actor, a true comedian and devastatingly, of a similar mental state to my own. When I was younger, in the days of VHS, I used to have a very small collection of films. The ones I had I cherished. I'd watch them all the way through, rewind the tape to the beginning and watch it over and over again. One of those films was 'Flubber'. Perhaps my childhood obsession over the film was responsible for my reaction to the death of Robin Williams last year. He was incredibly talented. Sadly as often is the case with creative minds, he descended into a deep depression. I recall being so angry hearing and seeing comments about how "selfish he was for taking his life". Getting to that point, falling that far downhill is hard to recover from. Thankfully I was pulled out of those crushing depths. Others aren't so fortunate. Suicide isn't the easy option, and sometimes it isn't pre-meditated, it's being caught in a horrendous moment and feeling nothing but despair. I definitely think that loved ones are constantly on the mind of those contemplating suicide. It's tough. Suicide isn't an easy way out and shouldn't be seen as selfish. We don't say that those dying from Cancer are selfish, even if it's the result of years of smoking or drinking. Depression is an illness, and sometimes it is a killer.

I spent a week obsessing over the details of his death. I read through the Twitter feed of tributes to him. The leather sofa became my second skin as I lied down watching all of my favourite films that he was in. It's hard to know that there will never be any new films with him in, although he will be forever immortalised in the ones we all know and love today.