Life Update

A hearty hello to you all, I know it's been a while since I lasted posted. As I explained in my last post I was having a difficult time after the death of a beloved pet, if you didn't see the post I have linked it here for you to read. I've had a break from both of my blogs as I needed some time to adjust without having the little critter around, that and his little home was in my office so the space left in his wake has been enormous and I haven't wanted to face that room for a while.

Since my last post I've been regaining some control over my life. I say some as it seems as if I have a fair few things hovering beyond my grasp and I can't reach out and grab them all at the same time! I've been seeing an acupuncture therapist for a few months now which has been incredible for me. Just having somewhere else to go during the day is nice and I've established a good relationship with Tracey who presses needles into me like a pin cushion for one hour a week. I'll talk more about that in a future post so if you have any questions about acupuncture please send them to my e-mail cheerfulchelsea@outlook.com or comment below and I'll answer them in that blog post.

After a couple of acupuncture appointments in which I have a 10 minute talk through the previous week's activities, highs and lows, I started to feel more comfortable with the idea of seeing a counsellor again. I've had some pretty horrendous experiences with health care professionals from various departments including counsellors. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to trust someone in that way again after having my words twisted back on me which made me feel worse than ever and guilty about everything I had disclosed to them. Seeing Tracey and becoming so comfortable with her made me realise there are genuinely nice people out there who want to listen and help, it's not just about getting paid at the end of the hour! I'll also be writing another post on how I found my new counsellor and how the experience feels so different this time.

Finally, I've been getting on top of my physical health problems of which there are many! It's hard to believe that I am only 23 years old some times as I feel pretty rusty, broken down and generally in need of a full service and oil change! I've had a bit more energy since I've kick-started my sleeping pattern with the help of magnesium supplements. As a result I've finally felt able to start exercising again. I often discredit myself for the amount of exercise I get just from walking Toby every day, but I haven't felt properly fit or comfortable in my skin for so many years now. It's the classic case of summer is coming and I'm not ready for it. I don't think of it as getting "bikini body ready" because that is applicable all year round, you've got a body, get a bikini and bam done. For me it's about not wanting to have another summer come around only for me to feel uncomfortable, wanting to hibernate and chuck on some winter clothes to cover every inch of my body and wondering why I didn't make some changes sooner.

It seems as if taking some time off can be good for the blog! I've got a lot to write about, a lot to share and hopefully some of it will help someone else. I'm also working up the courage to start filming videos. I think the majority will be beauty based. However, I have a few ideas for some videos that could help the readers of this blog. Some will be me recounting things I've already discussed on the blog. Sometimes people struggle to read long pieces of text and take in details, particularly when they are depressed so hearing those words being spoken and seeing someone they could relate to could be beneficial to them. I'll also produce some videos on things I haven't discussed before. My real aim is to show you that there is a real person behind this blog, that you can trust and confide in me if you wish. Much in the same way as this blog, you will only see what I allow you to see through videos, you still don't get the entire story or what someone is really going through when you only see a small viewfinder of them and their life. Anyway, I think it will be beneficial for me too, being able to flex my creative muscles in a new way through producing and editing videos.

No matter how many breaks I take from the blog I hope you all know that I'll always return to it, the exception being if I fall out of love with writing. I can't see that happening any time soon. In the last post I disclosed that I've been working on something big. I don't want to jump the gun so lets just say it's an extended piece of writing that I've been working on for over a year...

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Time To Talk

A counsellor's office is thought to be a safe place, somewhere you can surrender all of the thoughts that have been recycled over and over again in your head. Perhaps those thoughts and feelings can also later be aired in attempts to help others or to let people know that there are others out there just like you, facing similar problems, someone who can empathise. I hope I can be that someone, so I've decided to share my experience of the first time I said it out loud, three words. I have depression.

I hope that it is already apparent that I'm an advocate of talking about mental illness. It matters, many people experience these conditions and yet there are very few conversations being had about it. For those who have recently realised they have such an illness it can take a while to be able to talk about it with others. I was one of those individuals. It took me three years to fully understand what I was suffering with, and to discover the full extent of my condition. I went through a process of wanting to find out everything I could about it, I probably could have written a dissertation with the amount of research I did! There was also a long period of denial, and eventually acceptance. Perhaps my circumstances were unique in some ways, so please do not fret, it doesn't take everyone that long to realise whats going on and to seek help. I wish I could say that realising what I had was the hardest part, but for me saying it out loud was extremely difficult. I wasn't aware of anyone in my life whom had experienced anything like what I was going through. Perhaps that's because others were afraid to speak up too.

I sought the help of a counsellor at my sixth form college, a service which wasn't well advertised and I had to go searching for. I took advantage of being able to communicate through e-mail. Initially I wanted to know what kinds of problems they could help with. Eventually I let go of what I was holding on to, I wrote about everything that had happened and was still happening to me. I continued e-mailing the counsellor for months, sometimes I'd e-mail daily updates because things were so bad and the counsellor wanted to be informed of anything that was occurring in my life good or bad to help them help me. Eventually I scheduled an appointment only to cancel it after a restless night thinking about it or sometimes I'd cancel it the morning of the session. After a while I managed to make the walk towards the door of the counsellor's office, progress, except I'd then continue walking past the door and would be firing off a quick apology e-mail. Unfortunately stigma against mental illnesses was present within the sixth form, I'd even heard such stigma voiced by someone in my friendship group there. The counsellor's office was in such a public, well-used space with students flowing through and meeting people nearby. Eyes were everywhere and I was very conscious of that. Eventually I found a time when the area was quieter so I could quickly dash into the counsellor's office. The door I'd be so afraid of passing through, turned out to lead into a room akin to the size of Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's house. An ideal place for a highly strung, anxious, fidgeting individual, not. I really hope they didn't encourage claustrophobics to go see them there.

After all of the months of deterring the one-on-one session I said my piece only to receive many "mmms", "mhmms" and "how does that make you feel?" in exchange for my heavy burden. I left crying and headed into the nearby staff toilets to vomit and come face to face with an initially stern member of staff, I think my appearance made them reconsider scolding me and they scurried off. I washed my face and returned to my friends in the library with the lie that I'd been meeting with a staff member about areas for revision. And so I returned to the facade that all was well and the impression that I was "cheerful Chelsea' remained intact.

I don't mean to deter anyone from seeking the help of a counsellor, talking through problems really does help. The first time will always be the hardest, and unfortunately one counsellor does not fit all. Sometimes people get lucky and the first person they meet with will be a perfect match. Unfortunately some people will give up after trying one counsellor that just didn't quite understand them or didn't provide them with the type of help they were looking for. Frustratingly the wait list for meeting with counsellors on the NHS is long and slow, but making the move to get on a list is positive progress and hopefully it means you are one step closer to beginning your recovery. I was initially put off counsellors after my awful session. I never went back to see that counsellor and it took me a long time to accept the amount of help I needed. Sometimes people can pick themselves up on their own and carry on with life. Others struggle a bit more and need to raise their hand and say "I'm stuck here, I could use some help". Ask for help and usually it is given, I certainly like to think there are more good people in this world than bad, and since I started writing this blog I've found those people all over the place. So give it go, take a deep breath and let all of it out.