Sadness

I've been itching to do this face art for SO long! A few weeks ago I went to see the new Pixar film 'Inside Out'. Even before I watched it I knew that I was going to do a face art inspired by the character 'Sadness'. I hadn't seen much in the way of trailers for the film. Usually if I'm waiting to see a film I will scope out every trailer, promo and TV spot to take in as much as I can. This time I decided not to spoil it for myself!

I had no idea how amazing it was going to be. I loved the concept of there being a control centre inside our brains with different emotions huddled around watching our every move and giving us a nudge in the right direction throughout life. Of course it is a children's film, but as always some jokes go over the heads of little ones and hit the adults with a barrel of laughs. I love the explanation of how we lose memories, as if it's as simple as someone pushing over a shelf and letting memories scatter all over the place. Some get lost forever, whilst others roll under some other shelves to gather dust, they become hazy but we can vaguely recall aspects of the memory.

'Sadness' as a character was me summed up perfectly. Quite frequently you can find me splayed out across the bed laying face down with my arms hanging over the edge, just so I can feel even heavier. I'll sigh loudly without realising, and 'no' will become my most frequently used word. Unlike 'Sadness' I am lacking a dark cloud to float around on though, I think I've earned one from all of the tears I've cried. We can't live with one aspect of our personalities dominating our lives. Nor can we be controlled by one emotion, something which the characters learn in the film. Although my life might often be in the shade, there has to be a light somewhere to cast that shadow. It might sound strange, but I'm grateful that I have experienced so much sadness in my life. Living with depression allows you to truly cherish the happy moments in life. Sometimes a sad memory can transform into something good. Initially we might only remember the joy of that moment, but I can often recall times when something sad enabled me to have a good moment. Sadness brings people together, it creates a calling for comfort, for safety and familiarity. If I suddenly descend into a low mood I usually need to sleep it off or have a good cry. Others might encourage me to try to hang on, to hold off on that nap or to stick around and see that the situation can get better. If I were to follow that advice it's more likely that I would lose the entire day to feeling low. Whereas if I embrace the sadness for a while, cry it out or sleep for a few hours I can bounce back later and enjoy what's left of the day. Don't shrug off the sadness, don't run away from it. Embrace it so the good in life feels oh so much sweeter.

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One Of The Greats

When I was younger I never quite understood members of the public grieving over celebrities. I suppose if they were an idol, did incredible charity work, or were great role models it would cause some heartbreak. I experienced my share of heartbreak this time last year. It was totally unexpected in every way, a sudden death and a reaction I hadn't anticipated.

This person was an actor, a true comedian and devastatingly, of a similar mental state to my own. When I was younger, in the days of VHS, I used to have a very small collection of films. The ones I had I cherished. I'd watch them all the way through, rewind the tape to the beginning and watch it over and over again. One of those films was 'Flubber'. Perhaps my childhood obsession over the film was responsible for my reaction to the death of Robin Williams last year. He was incredibly talented. Sadly as often is the case with creative minds, he descended into a deep depression. I recall being so angry hearing and seeing comments about how "selfish he was for taking his life". Getting to that point, falling that far downhill is hard to recover from. Thankfully I was pulled out of those crushing depths. Others aren't so fortunate. Suicide isn't the easy option, and sometimes it isn't pre-meditated, it's being caught in a horrendous moment and feeling nothing but despair. I definitely think that loved ones are constantly on the mind of those contemplating suicide. It's tough. Suicide isn't an easy way out and shouldn't be seen as selfish. We don't say that those dying from Cancer are selfish, even if it's the result of years of smoking or drinking. Depression is an illness, and sometimes it is a killer.

I spent a week obsessing over the details of his death. I read through the Twitter feed of tributes to him. The leather sofa became my second skin as I lied down watching all of my favourite films that he was in. It's hard to know that there will never be any new films with him in, although he will be forever immortalised in the ones we all know and love today.

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I Wish To Register A Complaint

Monty Python reference, anyone?

This week I am faced with a 'very British problem'. Some of us are lucky enough to escape symptoms of Britishness which include: wanting to avoid a fuss despite being inconvenienced, having someone 'accidentally' join what they thought was the end of the line and inwardly feeling frustrated by this but not expressing said frustrations, and embarking upon a lift sharing scheme which only leaves you wondering why you're still paying just as much for petrol. As most of you will know I have had my fair share of doctors throughout my mental health care. Unfortunately I've had a few that have either left me feeling baffled by their 'advice' or have caused full on breakdowns due to their incompetence or inability to treat me with sensitivity. Since moving to Surrey I have been seeing one doctor, I have referred to them in previous posts. As doctor-patient relationships go, this one has been about as turbulent as my mood swings. They have been incredibly patient with my slow progress and understanding about my need to avoid counselling and CBT for now due to very bad experiences in the past. When speaking of my living situation and approach to treating depression they call it a very "unique approach", one which could easily be disturbed and all come toppling down on me at any moment. Of course what a depressed person needs to hear is their worst fears confirmed (seriously not true), that I could be left without a fiance and his mother whom I've confided in and become friends with, and the progress I've made would cease.

Patients of any kind shouldn't have to fear going to see their GP, the process is worrying enough if you are going to talk about serious conditions and queries. Unfortunately we can't always pick and choose who we get to see. I am fortunate to be registered with a surgery that always have appointments available to see someone quite quickly. However, the last thing I need is to be getting anxious over is seeing someone about my social anxiety and depression! I'm faced with the problem of getting so anxious about seeing this doctor because in the past their behaviour towards me has left me crying for hours and spending days in bed recovering from an appointment with them. It would be very easy for me to write a letter to the surgery to state my reasons for needing to be allocated a different doctor. They have caused a lot of upset and have behaved inappropriately towards me. This includes a recent appointment in which we  spoke of us moving house and the doctor saying I am "a piece of old furniture they are taking along with them, but who knows whether it will suit the new house or be kicked to the curb". Delightful, uplifting chat.

My 'very British problem', is that this doctor happens to be head of the surgery, and so will see any letter I write if I wish to change doctors. Despite all of the inappropriate and upsetting comments, I believe that I have made a certain amount of progress this year and that it is still very hard for me to go over the details of my illness and past experiences with anyone new, whether that be a doctor, counsellor or psychiatrist. Although I know that there are some great doctors out there I'm not sure that I want to find a new one only to realise that once again they aren't the one for me. I think that it would benefit me, and potentially others more if I write a letter directly to this docroe to state what I believe they have done wrong so far, that I feel discomfort whenever I have to go see them and that my anxiety over going to the doctors often escalates to a point whereby I have to cancel appointments and go without treatment for months. If I address the problems directly perhaps they will adjust their approach, perhaps they have been treating all of their mental health patients in this way and my letter could improve care for others too. It would be very easy and oh so very British of me to simply give them one more chance because they may have been having a bad day when they saw me last... and every time they have seen me for the past year. I say that something needs to change. Perhaps next time I have an appointment I will have something to be truly anxious about, facing them after they have received my letter!

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Love Letter

A phrase about love is thrown around a lot, that being "we accept the love we think we deserve". In my case I'm frequently rejecting the love I (possibly) deserve. I'm often trying to convince Robbie that he needs to find the receipt and get an exchange due to receiving faulty goods. When I'm in a really bad place I'll consistently do a few things: I'll eventually reach out to Robbie, usually with some kind of cryptic message rather than saying "I'm balling my eyes out, come help". I'll sob uncontrollably and almost choke on the amount of liquid pouring out of my face and saturating my pillow. I'll somehow choke out the words "I can't do this anymore", "it hurts so bad", and "just let me die". None of which are pleasant phrases to hear from the person you love.

There have been many times when I have pushed Robbie away. I say hurtful things because I want to protect him. Twisted logic. I want to protect him from me, from 'it'. When I'm in that state I decide that hurting him is the only way to convince him to leave me. Regrettably on a couple of occasions in the past I have physically pushed him away. Something which ended up causing me more pain. All of this is to no avail. What actually hurts him the most is finding out that I've been suffering and haven't told him. He only ever wants to help, finding out too late is what truly wounds him.

To all those suffering and still have loved ones that remain by your side, do not push them away. Their love should be accepted. As resilient as they may seem, if you (we) continue to push them they may just let you defeat them one day. Learn to accept the love that is present in your life, the love you obviously deserve.

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