I've been trying really hard to write this post for months now. I had written content prior to launching the blog in October. My writing process varies from drawing upon memories and experiences of my own, reacting to mental health coverage online and in the news and sometimes finding unexpected triggers of inspiration in objects, TV programmes and quotes. Most often something will come into my head when I'm suffering from insomnia, I know I have to get it down immediately in case I suddenly drift into sleep and wake up not being able to recall those thoughts in the morning. Sometimes an entire post will come to me immediately, I'll write it in the notes app on my phone and barely edit the wording when it comes to typing it up on my laptop. There are occasions, like this one, where I've been desperate to discuss an important topic, most likely a sensitive one too, and I'll just be stumped by it. The sentences form very slowly and I'll trip over the wording, really beating myself up over the quality of it all. I've attempted to write this post four, perhaps five times. Some of my notes were lighthearted in attempts to skim over the darkness of the content, whereas other notes go into a dangerous amount of detail which could trigger a period of depression or self-harm for those with mental health conditions. I started writing this post thinking I'd finally worked up the courage to discuss my experience with and knowledge of self harm. I'm afraid I haven't quite managed that today, some areas are easier for me to write about but self-harm is an incredibly serious, sensitive and tricky subject to manoeuvre around and I don't want to cause any harm to anyone by not wording it correctly. Its also still an incredibly raw nerve for me. I often say the last time I harmed myself was this time last year. But to be honest I somehow manage to block out that it happened not so long ago, so please give me time to do the subject justice. My main motivation behind this blog is believing that I could help just one person with my words, so someone knows that they aren't alone in what they're going through. I know how that feels, I didn't have any idea what was happening to me when I was 16, I just happened to stumble across the lovely Zoella who had just posted about panic attacks. That's all it took, it clicked in my head. I am not alone in this, and neither are you.
As I tried to write this post I felt myself slipping into a dark spot, feeling sore around my eyes, waiting for the tears to form and thinking that closing the laptop lid and retreating was inevitable. It seems ridiculous to me that I can become so tongue-tied even when it comes to a subject which I'm very familiar with, painfully familiar with. This is my duty, my job as such to help people with my words and hopefully educate those who don't quite understand aspects of mental illness. So when I feel like I'm failing at that I plunge into the dark pits of depression and submerge myself in it feeling desperate to scream at myself, but the pit won't let the sound bounce back to me, I can't hear the scream, or perhaps I just can't let it out for everyone else to hear. It can be incredibly hard to write it down accurately, or to the level I expect from myself. I don't want to skimp on the details or publish anything until its just right. Sometimes I wish I could video myself talking about all this, but I'm usually just as inarticulate when I speak out loud, although perhaps those reading would actually feel like there is a real girl behind all of this. I use blogging as a way of expressing myself when words fail me when interacting with others in person, I head a Youtuber say something that rung true and applicable to me the other day "I mean, I'm on Youtube because I don't know how to interact in the real world"(Thomas TomSka, 2015).
I often forget how hard this process can be, I'm pouring out my soul, my past, my present to hundreds of readers each week, I am thrilled that my blog generates on average 1,000 views each month, thank you to everyone who reads my ramblings. I don't want to give up on writing the blog, I don't even wish to take a break, but I do want people to realise how difficult it can be. I may be 'Cheerful Chelsea' but the truth is more often than not, I can be far from that persona. This was evident when I was trying to arrange this post in my mind for the thousandth time. I'm a hardcore fan geek when it comes to video extras of films and TV programmes, and I was watching a behind the making of Game of Thrones prior to writing this, and I just zoned out. Around twenty minutes of videos passed me by and I wasn't jumping for joy with my nose pressed against the screen to take in every detail. Not like me at all, I usually re-watch these segments at least five times. So when that happened due to stressing over a blog post I did question whether this all does more harm than good. I really hope it helps someone. So perhaps I didn't quite make it to writing the self harm post I had intended, perhaps I've just discovered that fretting about things too much can be a form of self harm in itself. Just know that the intended post is coming. Also, on a final note, try to keep this in mind "everything will be fine in the end. If it is not fine, then it is not yet the end"(quote from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel).
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